Where to start...
I managed to hold down a part time job considering my ailments (PTSD, Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc.) since 2016. I was proud of myself and slowly improving until I was laid off in July 2017.
Unfortunately because of the lay off & working part time my Employment Insurance was extremely pitiful. So ONCE AGAIN into my parents house I move.
I enjoyed the summer and fall, it was nice to connect with myself and make progress. Have time to put together the pieces of myself.
Winter rolls around and I'm losing my mind, bored as heck. I need a job & money.
I jokingly applied for my dream job at a Manufacturing facility.
I got a position, not THE dream one, but can move to it after 4 months of employment there.
Fulltime.
45 minute drive there
I have NO licence due to medical and can't find a ride.
Managed to hitch a ride to Orientation yesterday and did fairly well considering I didn't sleep the night before due to small waves of panic and fear. I was sick to my stomach and unable to eat.
Ate a small chicken pot pie last night somewhere around 7PM.
Sleep was few and far between, ended up taking a Lorazepam (0.5MG) for the first time since May of last year. When I did finally fade into sleep I had horrid nightmares of my ex/abuser.
I awoke to a tear stained pillow and my stomach turning this morning.
I procured a ride and went to my shift anyway. Was there 10 minutes early as was requested.
It was chaos, the person who was supposed to train us didn't get the memo it was today and just silly stuff.
At one point I tried to lay down on a bench and focus on my breathing, that helped a bit. I rallied and trudged off to the work room. The one we saw on the tour of the facilities was massive. Something like 60' x 120'. MASSIVE warehouse.
The temporary room we have to use for the next couple months while that's set up is a small 15' x 15' room with ALL the things, Technology and about 30 people. It was unbelievably hot, cramped and loud. I straight up said to the lad they assigned me to "I'll be right back, I'm going to the washroom" and left. I took off my work clothes, threw on my street clothes and just kept walking, I don't remember most of the walk. It was sheer reflex. I was triggered, panicked and apparently claustrophobic? I walked briskly until I noticed I was at the far side of the smoking area. I sat and had a smoke. It helped the tiniest bit.
I spoke to my manager and advised her of what had happened and talked to a bunch of people in HR about changing to a different position or something. They want to discuss it on Thursday. They told me to take the rest of the day off and to get feeling better. Wednesday the supervisor is away so we have the day off.
I'm so terrified to try again on Thursday. HR offered to move me but my sup. wants me to try it one more time with a slightly smaller group of people.
I'm terrified and still panicking. I feel like a useless piece of shit, I'm so pissed off at myself and disappointed. I haven't been able to eat yet, anything I consumes comes right back up.
I tried to make an emergency appointment with my T but soonest is 10 days from now.
What the heck do I do?!?!
I managed to hold down a part time job considering my ailments (PTSD, Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc.) since 2016. I was proud of myself and slowly improving until I was laid off in July 2017.
Unfortunately because of the lay off & working part time my Employment Insurance was extremely pitiful. So ONCE AGAIN into my parents house I move.
I enjoyed the summer and fall, it was nice to connect with myself and make progress. Have time to put together the pieces of myself.
Winter rolls around and I'm losing my mind, bored as heck. I need a job & money.
I jokingly applied for my dream job at a Manufacturing facility.
I got a position, not THE dream one, but can move to it after 4 months of employment there.
Fulltime.
45 minute drive there
I have NO licence due to medical and can't find a ride.
Managed to hitch a ride to Orientation yesterday and did fairly well considering I didn't sleep the night before due to small waves of panic and fear. I was sick to my stomach and unable to eat.
Ate a small chicken pot pie last night somewhere around 7PM.
Sleep was few and far between, ended up taking a Lorazepam (0.5MG) for the first time since May of last year. When I did finally fade into sleep I had horrid nightmares of my ex/abuser.
I awoke to a tear stained pillow and my stomach turning this morning.
I procured a ride and went to my shift anyway. Was there 10 minutes early as was requested.
It was chaos, the person who was supposed to train us didn't get the memo it was today and just silly stuff.
At one point I tried to lay down on a bench and focus on my breathing, that helped a bit. I rallied and trudged off to the work room. The one we saw on the tour of the facilities was massive. Something like 60' x 120'. MASSIVE warehouse.
The temporary room we have to use for the next couple months while that's set up is a small 15' x 15' room with ALL the things, Technology and about 30 people. It was unbelievably hot, cramped and loud. I straight up said to the lad they assigned me to "I'll be right back, I'm going to the washroom" and left. I took off my work clothes, threw on my street clothes and just kept walking, I don't remember most of the walk. It was sheer reflex. I was triggered, panicked and apparently claustrophobic? I walked briskly until I noticed I was at the far side of the smoking area. I sat and had a smoke. It helped the tiniest bit.
I spoke to my manager and advised her of what had happened and talked to a bunch of people in HR about changing to a different position or something. They want to discuss it on Thursday. They told me to take the rest of the day off and to get feeling better. Wednesday the supervisor is away so we have the day off.
I'm so terrified to try again on Thursday. HR offered to move me but my sup. wants me to try it one more time with a slightly smaller group of people.
I'm terrified and still panicking. I feel like a useless piece of shit, I'm so pissed off at myself and disappointed. I haven't been able to eat yet, anything I consumes comes right back up.
I tried to make an emergency appointment with my T but soonest is 10 days from now.
What the heck do I do?!?!
