I sort of agree with that you might be overthinking it a little (but I do that all the time myself.)
A part of me thinks it would be good that it is time to get down to the business of processing things so that I don’t continue in therapy forever. Most of me though questions if this is just another way that I would be sabotaging development of a solid therapeutic relationship by trying to force things to soon and then blame him if it fails or I fall apart.
Sure. I’ve tried to jump in too deep and too quickly. A counterphobic urge to jump in and just get it done... only to be met with: “this doesn’t work this way.” Ugh.
Sometimes though, a good way to build up the relationship is to get right to the heart of things. Avoidance is a hallmark symptom of PTSD. Maybe you are simply ready to stop avoiding this work, and it feels really new and strange and you are looking for where the danger could be in doing this... and it might not actually be that dangerous.
Sabatogy or not, thing is, you don’t actually have to figure out the right pace of the work all on your own. A good trauma therapist would work with you to pace the work. That’s part of their job.
It strikes me as a good step forward to do this:
I have had this overwhelming urge to revisit with him the idea of CPT which I ruled out at this stage until I felt I trusted him.
.... and to visit the urge to jump in more quickly than you thought you would. The urge might be a way you are looking to resolve anxiety about the relationship. I usually counterphobically push too fast too far when I’m most anxious about the very thing I’m trying to do. I also am extremely reluctant to touch the trauma without some kind of safety or trust built up in the relationship.
That being said, not all counterphobic urges to jump into trauma work are bad. It can be sabatogy, but it can be managed in a way to help actually do the work. It can be very helpful to unhook the belief that dealing with the trauma = possible destruction of the relationship or pushing people away or etc.
CPT is a therapy I’ve looked into myself. Many people who do CPT, start it right at the first session. I personally could not do this, but it was actually designed to start off right at the first session or so, even for people who struggle with trust. There is even a version of CPT than can be done without disclosing details of the trauma history. It simply jumps right into thought patterns. CPT can also be done on “smaller” traumas.
Module 8 of 12 in CPT is about trust and relationships - and it strikes me as strange that they put it so far into the process. But, seems like they understand trust could be difficult and yet good work can be done prior to sorting that out, which does make sense to me. With the trauma therapists that I’ve talked to over the years, all of them seem to expect times of the client flat out distrusting the therapist, but that good work can be done anyhow. I’m not suggesting you jump in to it now, but trying to suggest the idea that maybe it’s ok to take small risks about trauma work now as a way to see if the therapist is trustworthy and to build up that trust. Some therapists are willing to do CPT in a way where you don’t have to jump into the core of the worst trauma. CPT might actually help you build up the trust in the relationship.
You’ve got a busy schedule and I know this therapist is not the most convent. Strikes me maybe as a healthy urge to want to just get to it, even if it’s out of some anxiety about the relationship itself.
