Relationship Sad Break Up ..need Help Coping...ex With Ptsd

[Random girl]

My ex husband has ptsd and TBI ...he doesn't really go to therapy since he thinks I need to change. He doesn't take meds because he says it's bad for him. He says I need to back off, but all I'm really doing is caring. Even after our divorce was finalized he came back trying to work it out and since I love him I did, but not too long after that he broke out with another ptsd incident even after he promised me that he can control his emotions. Started screaming and yelling in the middle of a parking lot and then wanting to be alone. He left suddenly over something so small, i was shocked as to why something so small turned into a huge thing for him. He has not tried to contact me since. I called, emailed and texted and got nothing. It's as if he doesn't even care about me which i know is not true because he does love me. It just doesn't make sense, when everything is happy he tells me all these great things, but when one small thing goes wrong it's as if he's a totally different person. I was so mad and shocked... we were soooo happy during his good times and made the perfect couple. It's so sad and now I'm trying to move on and am having a hard time. I know this horrible cycle will never end (since it happened during our marriage multiple times and i tried everything to help fix it) and I'm just not emotionally strong enough to deal with it all. I'm sad, heartbroken, and hurt. We never had kids and i can't imagine bringing kids into this picture living this way. I don't know how to move on or cope and I feel like we had some amazing times and he is such an amazing guy..if only ... Can anyone help me get over this feeling :(

 

[asldjfasldjf]

Hi, so sorry for what you're going through.
It's very sad that your ex-husband suffers from PTSD and TBI, but it's even sadder (for both of you) that he denies his need for therapy and medication (or any other kind of support).

The biggest issue seems to be that, yes, you need to process and move on from this relationship.
Reasons:
1) your divorce is finalized
2) he insists that you get help while refusing to do the same
3) you have tried everything, with no improvement
4) you imagine and deserve a future with a loving partner and perhaps even children, neither of which your ex can give you
5) keeping this wound/relationship open-ended is hurting you deeply.

I think the best thing is to view this experience as an obstacle that you will turn into a stepping stone. Perhaps go into therapy or do work on yourself, but use this situation as an opportunity to recognize and heal those aspects of yourself and your behavior that are unhealthy. Then you can proceed to live and pursue a life of love and fulfillment, having utilized your difficulties to grow yourself as a person.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

From your description it sounds like what your ex has is pretty classic fight/flight behavior - I myself having done it (that same flight/fight behavior) many times. And many times it has been over small things - but even tiny things can trigger someone with PTSD to act that way.

I understand how sad it is cuz when you find someone who is so wonderful most of the time you want that to continue especially if you love them - but from what I have learned is that if someone really does love you back, they will meet you half way.

If he is not ready to work on himself, there is really nothing you can do - except wish him well and pray that he finds the strength to come to terms with his own role and recognize that just because he was the victim at one time and has PTSD, does not mean he must always play the victim role. It is possible to heal from that - he just has to want to badly enough. And that has to come from him. It is really hard to let go of the victim mentality but it is possible.

In the mean time, I hope you find peace to let go and move on with prayer that he too will let go and grow.

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

@random girl.
When I read your post I felt like it was my husband writing about me. It mirrors us so much.
I have cptsd , and as a result of my continuous explosive outburst from something that was usually so small we sadly decided to seperate two years ago Eventhough we loved each other deeply. It was too much for both of us, unhealthy and our 9 year old son was been affected .

The realisation of him leaving was scary, lonely but also refreshing in some ways because I knew I had to have some therapy if I wanted to salvage my marriage and if I loved him enough I would do this, however I do refuse to take any form of medication but would accept any other help that was on offer . My husband left nov 30th 2012, on my middles son his stepson 16th birthday.

Fast forward two years , I have completed an immense amount of therapy, anger management and learnt coping techniques, my husband also has learnt how to deal with me and be more supportive, he moved back in a month ago, I still suffer from flashbacks , anxiety and other symptoms of cptsd but I've calmed down a lot, and before it becomes explosive we can usually nip it in the bud. I'm not saying it's a bed of roses but it's a million times better. We have learnt to respect each other again, listen to each other and talk about what's bothering me so I don't bottle it up and explode . Our 9 year old is really happy and settled again.

IMO If you love someone so much you will try and rebuild it, sadly , there may be occasions when there's too much water under the bridge to salvage. Each day is a new day and hopefully we will continue to work together and not get to the point of destroying each other again. So I totally understand what your saying and I feel your husband should have met you half way if he really wanted to hold on to his marriage. Using PTSD as an excuse is not acceptable especially when there is help or medication available. I think you should focus on yourself for a while and see how things pan out.good luck , in my prayers .

 

[Random girl]

Thanks to everyone who responded! I really needed some advice to figure out what to do in my situation. I spoke with my ex and I told him that in order to get better he must go to therapy and that is the only way we might have a chance of being together. He was for it, but usually he is and then nothing comes out of it because he won't stick thru it. It's so difficult letting go and I wish for just one moment he could take my advice. I guess for now I'm going to have to take care of myself and pray that maybe he will change for the better. I feel so much better being able to speak with someone who has experienced the same as me and is able to provide feed back. I felt so alone :( thank you

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Where rooting for you x good luck.