Sad

[Chava]

Lost relationships due to friends moving on for better careers, my moving into semi physical isolation (I asked for it) and now I can't afford to move out of it, losing a chunk of my work and passion and "self" due to chronic injury, and I feel like all my defenses are not working well...like I am too aware, but don't have new tools yet, so everything just feels like a joke. Or pointless. I'm lost but not restless about it, like normal. Just sad. And I feel like my therapist thinks I'm an idiot for caring so badly about understanding everything versus somehow accepting the process. I know half of what I just said isn't probably real...but how it feels...and I'm not feeling a "process" so much as I feel like nothing is working out for me and maybe I can't change because, whoa...I've been trying to do that for my whole adulthood.

Not sure if it's mostly new awareness lacking in direction or action ideas. I just feel stuck, out-of-reach, and like everything just slips away from me...sort of because I let it because I'm just kind of tired. I'm not normally quite so depressed, so I don't know if this is sort of how it goes when defenses start feeling idiotic or meaningless, or when we notice our long and sad patterns of non-relationships (or whatever), if it's a part of the process that will simply smooth over or if I'm slipping down hill (and partly hormones kicking my ass, but my options are really limited at this point...basically I can choose between lower mood or lesser functioning and greater panic in that area...I also feel like the hormone stuff is sort of magnifying what was already there beneath the surface and now it's just becoming hard to tolerate).

My garden is dying because I don't really care to enjoy these beautiful days of summer. I feel like I'm kind of hanging on, just trying not to make things worse. Okay, sorry to cyber cry and be all negative. I think I'll be okay. Just really low feelings scare me because I didn't deal with them well in the past, and I don't know yet how or if I will get beyond them. Just feeling stuck in almost every way, and partly like I don't want to move either (yuck). I have like one or two things I kind of still enjoy, so will stick with that. In all other situations I am becoming a zombie.

 

[The Albatross]

So you're saying your in a down cycle? What are you going to do about that? What techniques have you used successfully before to pull yourself back up by the bootstraps? Start there.

 

[Chava]

That's where I'm at a loss. I've never successfully pulled through this sort of thing...it always morphed into eating problems or physical pain or some other destructive pattern. In the past I've over done stimulants, over-worked...all kinds of busy-ness to distract myself, run on fumes, feel useful, etc. (and my body burnt out). So, that doesn't work. Starving doesn't work (numbs me out like I'm doped, but no, not an option any more). And suicide isn't an option either. But those are ways I've dealt in the past with hopeless sort of sadness+emptiness that I can't seem to get away from. I think I'm done running away from it, which might be good...but at the place where I don't know what to do. I'd certainly be doing the right thing, if I knew what it was.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow and will talk about it. But I have to live with myself every second and I feel tired of the process. I want to fill all my moments with distractions, and while it all seems meaningless, I'm going to keep doing that to a point. I'm doing a pretty good job of not just turning into some new version of an addict, like an exercise junky (though it's tempting).

 

[The Albatross]

Okay Chava... so there are two ways to look at this thing. A slide into cyclical thinking/feeling... OR an opportunity for initiating change.

You are in a unique position in that you have the benefit of awareness... many people are unconscious of their cyclical thoughts/feelings/behaviors.

Your post shows that you are very good at finding out by experience, what doesn't work. What does? Talking with your therapist, and doubtless others will come on here and share their experiences... well that is an "opportunity for change". Change, in this case is GOOD gal.

 

[The Albatross]

...I'm done running away from it, which might be good...but at the place where I don't know what to do. I'd certainly be doing the right thing, if I knew what it was.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow and will talk about it. But I have to live with myself every second and I feel tired of the process.

Yeah it sucks when that happens. It's my life and I have to learn how to live with myself. It ain't every second though... thank God for sleep. Change, initiating some change, is knocking at your door. Will you answer and rise to the occasion?

 

[Chava]

I don't know what works yet. Hoping I find out. Does therapy make things worse, like realizing how stupid all our years of defenses were and how meaningless they were?

p.s the bootstrap comment felt a little flippant. If I could pull myself up by my bootstraps I wouldn't be in therapy. I had to do that all the way through my childhood and it isn't working right any more.

 

[Bookoffee]

When we moved into our new place, it took me a week to walk into the living room (it faces the street). I took small step in that direction every day until I was able to sit in my chair and relax.

I think we are in our down, scared, lonely cycle, it is important to find small steps to make it. I hate the saying but it works sometimes, fake it till you make it. (UGH!)

My last major panic attack, I took out paint and a canvas. I have no idea what I painted. It looks like a mess but at least I did something. I gave myself a time limit that I would play with the paints for 30 minutes to help me relax. I always need noise on so I either have music, NPR, or the TV on.

This is me. I do stuff out of my comfort zone that I am having in the moment and sit with it. I do the first thing that comes to my mind and refuse to let the loud "NO" take control.

 

[The Albatross]

Bucking up and pulling myself up by the boot straps is something I tell myself. It is not in my nature to rely heavily on others. Think of it what you wish but the intent is not to demean your personal situation. Picking at a stickling point is a way to undermine the whole message by the way.

 

[Chava]

@The Albatross why so insensitive? I have a hard time even knowing if it's "okay" to feel sad. And if you don't want to rely on others, that's okay. But I'm on a web forum, where the assumption is I can ask for help. And it's something I'm really, really bad at...working on...and proving sort of awkward with your responses. I won't take them personally, but if you don't like my post or think I'm a wimp or an idiot or somehow repulsive, please just let someone willing to hear me respond,, okay? (I mean what advice did you offer other than for me to just sort of suck it up or get over it....does that work for depressed people in your experience?).

You undermined my whole message. Telling anyone here to pull themselves up by their bootstraps...wtf

What a joke "support" forum. If I don't want to kill myself or starve this time I could just try PULLING MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS. Duh.

HOW is that not supposed to make me feel worse, and please, please, please wonder why you are digging at me.???? I'm repulsed by needing help, too, if that's the issue. And personally, it's not working for me at all. And I felt a little less terrible before I came here hoping to find a little support and strength for moving on to appointment tomorrow.

Thanks to others but I don't need this

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I'd say you're definitely in a down cycle. Just keep in mind that those things can go on for weeks or months, so it could be that you've been fighting one for quite some time and now the exhaustion is getting to you... And it is exhausting, in a very real and physical way. The stress you feel in your mind is echoed in your body, which in turn burns more energy than normal, which leads to exhaustion. That's how you can feel fried out as if you've run a race even though you haven't left the couch in 10 hours. But it does pass.

I don't know what works yet. Hoping I find out. Does therapy make things worse, like realizing how stupid all our years of defenses were and how meaningless they were?

Your years of defenses weren't stupid or meaningless. This is where your down cycle really shows; to me at least. Those defenses and compensations and battles weren't useless. They kept you alive. They are the mind's version of the immune system. And it's clearly been working very hard.

Just tell your therapist all of this, with the same level of candor that you're telling to us. They need to know.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think she has a point. What she is saying this that you need to get moving. If you don't find something (your garden for example, taking a walk) everything will get worse. Be honest with your therapist in the meantime, always be honest with your doctors.

You are asking for help on a forum. We can support you by giving you advice but we can't read your mind.

 

[The Albatross]

Sympathy is not my forte'. Problem solving is. I treat myself and my friends that way, my spouse and my own family. It is not viewed as insensitivity. It is viewed as caring and assistance. When I lose myself, my own default is to the last place I had a success of a reasonable duration. That is all.

You attribute to me more than is intended. So therefore I withdraw.