Sad

[Chava]

Feels like I'm starting all over, so trying to think of it as a really, really low point as a prelude to hopefully transforming. But I need to also work on uplifting my mood, because I'm realizing it won't all feel like puppies and rainbows any time soon. I feel like I'm "breaking up" with a group of friends, too. My best friend from the group moved and I've felt so awkward ever since...and realizing it just might not be a good fit for me and that I can only push myself so far with the social gatherings, etc. But it's really hard not to get tangled in all kinds of old crap about being unwanted and unlovable, and then terrible and disgusting and unworthy of participation in life...I sort of got sucked into a tidal wave. Thanks @Bookoffee for listening.

 

[Bookoffee]

Oh that tidal wave! Yes I am there with you @Chava. I hope today works out for the better for both us. Cheers

 

[StellaBlue]

You have been in my thoughts all morning @Chava. I'm glad you "uncancelled" your meeting. So much of what you've described that you're going through right now resonates with me. I actually set up an agreement with my therapist regarding cancellations that makes it very difficult for me to do so unless I have a truly legitimate reason. I needed to make a commitment to myself to stick with it.

It also sounds like you are going through a lot of transitions right now, both in your physical and internal worlds ...and that can be very painful and disorienting. Transfomation is not easy. There are all these cutesy posters and whatnot about caterpillars turning into butterflies but if you look at what really happens during metamorphasis (the caterpillar literally consumes itself), it's not very pretty.

Anyway, from what you've posted here and elsewhere, it seems like you have quite a bit of self-knowlege...now it might be a matter of figuring out how to stay out of your own way :). You are in my thoughts.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @StellaBlue my therapist helped me refrain everything, including this wicked depression and my avoidance into my complex trauma and reassured me I can work on relationships, but will take practice, and may be an area I always struggle with. But I was already less sad going to the appointment...like "I'm NOT giving up"...so there is always a shred of hope when I don't give up. And we had a helpful session. I'll post in relationship forum in a bit.