equinox92101
New Here
I have been humiliated many occasions in my life, and often pre-occupied with fantasies of revenge against the people who hurt or humiliated me - the fantasies usually take the form of verbal and emotional abuse at the person who humiliated me, either taunting them or explicitly hurting them. Sometime it is also physical violence, and I'll start flapping my arms randomly. Pure hyperarousal.
There are a few different persons who are the target of these fantasies, but one girl in particular largely disrespected me one night when we were casually seeing each other - she is a recurring theme. I don't want to go into the details of what happened, but she disrespected me and sort of humiliated me in the process - there are many things which act as a trigger for it and remind me of the event.
Any way, the recording: In my job we have a recording system to monitor our performance during calls. On this particular day, the person who was supposed to join the call with me didn't join, but I didn't realize the recorder was still on. I work from home, and was doing the usual stuff one does when working from home... lounging around, maybe signing to themselves. But in the case of myself, I was also doing a few other things which I realized 1 hour later when I went onto the call review dashboard and realized the call had recorded despite nobody joining.
I was doing a few unusual quirks like anyone who is not in a 100% mental state does - such as talking to myself - but I also went into my violent revenge mode. There I was, in the recording, pretending the girl who hurt me was sitting on the couch in front of me and I was calling her a s**t. This girl was beaten by her dad when she was younger, and one part of the recording showed me looking into the vid cam as if she was there and reminding her of the fact her dad abused her when she was young. I know how terrible it is to minimize physical abuse, particularly from a parent or caregiver - but this girl made me feel helpless and I guess this was my way of finding some power over the situation.
When I saw the recording, I felt like a monster. I asked our admin to delete it giving the reason as because because the person didn't join the call, luckily he deleted it straight away without watching it or questioning it. No doubt I would have lost my job if somebody saw it.
I avoided the real world consequences then, but it drove home to me just how f*cked up my mindset is and how I desperately need to manage these violent thoughts and urges and pre-occupation with revenge.
I know the true root cause of this; the root cause is not what she did that night in particular, but the fact I feel inferior and inadequate. Understanding the root issue is always a good head-start, but I need actionable steps. I meditate daily and practice mindfulness, but I am explicitly seeking advice here from people who also have these extremely anger and violent thoughts. This girl is only one example, there are countless people who have disrespected and humiliated me, so this could very easily become an endless cycle.
Can anyone relate and can anyone help? Thank you.
There are a few different persons who are the target of these fantasies, but one girl in particular largely disrespected me one night when we were casually seeing each other - she is a recurring theme. I don't want to go into the details of what happened, but she disrespected me and sort of humiliated me in the process - there are many things which act as a trigger for it and remind me of the event.
Any way, the recording: In my job we have a recording system to monitor our performance during calls. On this particular day, the person who was supposed to join the call with me didn't join, but I didn't realize the recorder was still on. I work from home, and was doing the usual stuff one does when working from home... lounging around, maybe signing to themselves. But in the case of myself, I was also doing a few other things which I realized 1 hour later when I went onto the call review dashboard and realized the call had recorded despite nobody joining.
I was doing a few unusual quirks like anyone who is not in a 100% mental state does - such as talking to myself - but I also went into my violent revenge mode. There I was, in the recording, pretending the girl who hurt me was sitting on the couch in front of me and I was calling her a s**t. This girl was beaten by her dad when she was younger, and one part of the recording showed me looking into the vid cam as if she was there and reminding her of the fact her dad abused her when she was young. I know how terrible it is to minimize physical abuse, particularly from a parent or caregiver - but this girl made me feel helpless and I guess this was my way of finding some power over the situation.
When I saw the recording, I felt like a monster. I asked our admin to delete it giving the reason as because because the person didn't join the call, luckily he deleted it straight away without watching it or questioning it. No doubt I would have lost my job if somebody saw it.
I avoided the real world consequences then, but it drove home to me just how f*cked up my mindset is and how I desperately need to manage these violent thoughts and urges and pre-occupation with revenge.
I know the true root cause of this; the root cause is not what she did that night in particular, but the fact I feel inferior and inadequate. Understanding the root issue is always a good head-start, but I need actionable steps. I meditate daily and practice mindfulness, but I am explicitly seeking advice here from people who also have these extremely anger and violent thoughts. This girl is only one example, there are countless people who have disrespected and humiliated me, so this could very easily become an endless cycle.
Can anyone relate and can anyone help? Thank you.
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