I hope this is OK to have on here. This particular post isn't really regarding sexual abuse I don't think. I hope that is OK.
Back in July I found an old journal that I wrote as a child and there were things in it that I had written that I forgot about or pushed down inside. I re-rememberd something... It was so scary and sad. It's not as bad as many people's memories are I am sure but it still had my mind in shambles and I was panicky and very jumpy. It was painful to relive in my mind... I don't understand....
Memory: Possible trigger warning for physical child abuse
I was maybe 6 or so when this happened... Maybe a year younger, perhaps a year older... It takes place at my grandma's house... How I loved that house and her!!! I was there everyday almost from birth until 13 or so...
*Background information: Just down the street from grandma's house was a a place called Ellis' Tenderloin. They served pretty much everything, it was like a burger joint... Grandma and I used to go there at least once a week. We would walk down together and get malts and a burger. It was our time together. We loved it♥. On the side of the building was a huge pig made out of plywood. It was Porky the Pig off of Loony Tunes. I LOVED that darn pig. DOn't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. It just made me smile everytime we went there and I would always, without fail, comment to grandma about how much I LOVED that pig. It meant so much to me I can't even explain it. It is stupid I know. Children are facinated by the silliest things it seems...*
OK now back to the memory... I am with my dad in his Broncho and we are driving to grandma's house. We turn onto her street and I see the pig is gone. It is no where to be seen. My heart crumbles. I start hard core bawling. Sobbing and everything. My dad tell me to stop. I don't.
I don't remember getting out of the car or anything but I remember being in grandma's living room and runnning to her bawling my eyes out. She holds me and sits with me in the rocking chair and rocks me. She asks me why I am crying... I manage to get out in between my hiccupy sobs "Our pig is gone." I start wailing again. She knows exactly what I mean. She just keeps rocking me... After awhilemy dad gets pissed off that I am still crying... I don't know if he grabbed me out of the chair or if I followed him or what but next thing I know I am in the kitchen being taken onto the back porch... Dad grabs me and rips my pants off then my panties. I am completely bare. For some reason I know what was coming. I am not sure how I know but I do. I am cowared in the corner and really hysterical.... He takes his belt off (which is constructed of multipls tiny thin strips of leather that is woven togethert. Some of the strands are loose as it was a very old belt, they acted as mini whips) and looks so mad at me right now... I am crying so hard... The kind of sobs that don't even sound like sobs. I can no longer stop them even if I want to... They are the hiccupy, involuntary, diaphramatic sobs that cannot be controlled. Like a dry heave. Anyway, he says if i want to cry then he will give me something to cry about. He grabs me out of the corner and hits my across my bottom with the belt. He hits me again. Each time he hits me he is saying that as long as I am crying he will keep using the belt... At this point I am no longer crying over "our pig" I am crying over the excruciating pain that he is inflicting. I am hiccuping rather... He just isn't stopping. i am begging him in between breathless sobs to stop, that I can't quit crying. Oh my f*cking gof I tried so hard to please him and wuit crying. I tried to quit those f*cking hiccups. I couldn't At one point the belt got my genitals and it hurt so bad I almost passed out....
I am not sure what caused him to stop. It goes fuzzy. It seemed like forever... I don't know if I just wore myself out from crying so hard, he got tired or bored, or what. I just know I am lying on the porch shaking. I am looking around it hurts to move really. I throw up from the pain. I don't remember what happens after this... Wait, I do remember grandma trying to soothe me and she said that I should have listened to daddy and stopped crying and he wouldn't have had to do "this" meaning the belt...
My heart is breaking...
Why did I have to remember this? I always wondered why when I watch Loony Tunes and Porky the Pig comes on my stomach get a tight feeling... I guess maybe this is why....
There is so much anger I have inside of myself...
I am not even sure where it all spurs from!!!
Grrr....
I love my dad and my mom a lot...
My dad would never do this to me... he is so nice... So, why DID he DO it? I just can't see him being mean like that... bue he was... Why? I still love him...
Well, there were other times he did this but I was REALLY little. Like maybe 3 or 4 because during this memory I am in my old house and we moved from there right when I turned 4 is what I am told. I do remember the oddest things lol. Anyway, he did it then too. WHo knows actually how many times. I don't really remember WHY he did it this time but it is more like I remember the pain and it is like snapshots of it. I am seeing myself cowering. It is hard to explain. I wrote two different posts that explain other physical things he did although I can't decide whether or not they were physically abusive.... Those posts are called Struggling. Feel Crazy.... : ( and then Struggling. Feel Crazy... : ( Part Two. There were other times he hit used the belt on me on numerous ocassions but maybe a quarter of those times I deserved it... Although I DO think he still used it excessively... But I was a kid.... He probably didn't I don't know... It always seemed that he did it with a lot of anger and it seemed like he hit as hard as he could but like I said when you are the one on the receiving end it ALWAYS seems worse maybe? Idk, I am ALL mixed up.
Chantel ♥
Back in July I found an old journal that I wrote as a child and there were things in it that I had written that I forgot about or pushed down inside. I re-rememberd something... It was so scary and sad. It's not as bad as many people's memories are I am sure but it still had my mind in shambles and I was panicky and very jumpy. It was painful to relive in my mind... I don't understand....
Memory: Possible trigger warning for physical child abuse
I was maybe 6 or so when this happened... Maybe a year younger, perhaps a year older... It takes place at my grandma's house... How I loved that house and her!!! I was there everyday almost from birth until 13 or so...
*Background information: Just down the street from grandma's house was a a place called Ellis' Tenderloin. They served pretty much everything, it was like a burger joint... Grandma and I used to go there at least once a week. We would walk down together and get malts and a burger. It was our time together. We loved it♥. On the side of the building was a huge pig made out of plywood. It was Porky the Pig off of Loony Tunes. I LOVED that darn pig. DOn't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. It just made me smile everytime we went there and I would always, without fail, comment to grandma about how much I LOVED that pig. It meant so much to me I can't even explain it. It is stupid I know. Children are facinated by the silliest things it seems...*
OK now back to the memory... I am with my dad in his Broncho and we are driving to grandma's house. We turn onto her street and I see the pig is gone. It is no where to be seen. My heart crumbles. I start hard core bawling. Sobbing and everything. My dad tell me to stop. I don't.
I don't remember getting out of the car or anything but I remember being in grandma's living room and runnning to her bawling my eyes out. She holds me and sits with me in the rocking chair and rocks me. She asks me why I am crying... I manage to get out in between my hiccupy sobs "Our pig is gone." I start wailing again. She knows exactly what I mean. She just keeps rocking me... After awhilemy dad gets pissed off that I am still crying... I don't know if he grabbed me out of the chair or if I followed him or what but next thing I know I am in the kitchen being taken onto the back porch... Dad grabs me and rips my pants off then my panties. I am completely bare. For some reason I know what was coming. I am not sure how I know but I do. I am cowared in the corner and really hysterical.... He takes his belt off (which is constructed of multipls tiny thin strips of leather that is woven togethert. Some of the strands are loose as it was a very old belt, they acted as mini whips) and looks so mad at me right now... I am crying so hard... The kind of sobs that don't even sound like sobs. I can no longer stop them even if I want to... They are the hiccupy, involuntary, diaphramatic sobs that cannot be controlled. Like a dry heave. Anyway, he says if i want to cry then he will give me something to cry about. He grabs me out of the corner and hits my across my bottom with the belt. He hits me again. Each time he hits me he is saying that as long as I am crying he will keep using the belt... At this point I am no longer crying over "our pig" I am crying over the excruciating pain that he is inflicting. I am hiccuping rather... He just isn't stopping. i am begging him in between breathless sobs to stop, that I can't quit crying. Oh my f*cking gof I tried so hard to please him and wuit crying. I tried to quit those f*cking hiccups. I couldn't At one point the belt got my genitals and it hurt so bad I almost passed out....
I am not sure what caused him to stop. It goes fuzzy. It seemed like forever... I don't know if I just wore myself out from crying so hard, he got tired or bored, or what. I just know I am lying on the porch shaking. I am looking around it hurts to move really. I throw up from the pain. I don't remember what happens after this... Wait, I do remember grandma trying to soothe me and she said that I should have listened to daddy and stopped crying and he wouldn't have had to do "this" meaning the belt...
My heart is breaking...
Why did I have to remember this? I always wondered why when I watch Loony Tunes and Porky the Pig comes on my stomach get a tight feeling... I guess maybe this is why....
There is so much anger I have inside of myself...
I am not even sure where it all spurs from!!!
Grrr....
I love my dad and my mom a lot...
My dad would never do this to me... he is so nice... So, why DID he DO it? I just can't see him being mean like that... bue he was... Why? I still love him...
Well, there were other times he did this but I was REALLY little. Like maybe 3 or 4 because during this memory I am in my old house and we moved from there right when I turned 4 is what I am told. I do remember the oddest things lol. Anyway, he did it then too. WHo knows actually how many times. I don't really remember WHY he did it this time but it is more like I remember the pain and it is like snapshots of it. I am seeing myself cowering. It is hard to explain. I wrote two different posts that explain other physical things he did although I can't decide whether or not they were physically abusive.... Those posts are called Struggling. Feel Crazy.... : ( and then Struggling. Feel Crazy... : ( Part Two. There were other times he hit used the belt on me on numerous ocassions but maybe a quarter of those times I deserved it... Although I DO think he still used it excessively... But I was a kid.... He probably didn't I don't know... It always seemed that he did it with a lot of anger and it seemed like he hit as hard as he could but like I said when you are the one on the receiving end it ALWAYS seems worse maybe? Idk, I am ALL mixed up.
Chantel ♥
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