Scared/nervous About Therapy Tomorrow

[WillowMarie]

I am nervous to go to therapy tomorrow morning after last week. I wouldn't let myself open up emotionally and did my best to distract or detach from what I was feeling. I feel like my therapist was a bit disappointed in me when she told me I need to try harder next time to look around the room.

On one hand after my appointment, I am hoping she wanted me to come in on a Wed. instead of a Mon. this week because she tends to bring her dog to appointments on Wed. and hopes this will ground me. I remember this after she asked if wed. was okay because she didn't have anyone else on Mon. morning except for me, so she will not be sitting around waiting for her afternoon appointments, where as wed. she has other people in the morning. I am trying not to read into things because she is always telling me I don't need to find meaning in things. Well, maybe I want to hope I am special enough she would try to surprise me with her dog to help me ground myself during next session, just bring in the dog for me. I know it is silly to think.


Before my last appointment, I had a two weeks in between instead of just one. Maybe it was because I had let myself be vulnerable and just spout out all the stuff that was swimming around in my head two appointments ago even though I thought I would pass out from anxiety and I was hardly there when I was letting it all out.

But during the two weeks after that appointment, out of no where one day, I started to freak out. Emotions just hit me, I felt hopeless and abandoned and scared. Out of no where I was playing in my head that my therapist was telling me that I wasn't working hard enough and we weren't making enough process and she didn't want to see me anymore.

I knew it was ridiculous after it started and snapped myself out of it, not letting myself feel or think about it. I don't remember what sparked it, where it came from. It seemed out of no where.

So this last appointment I felt that I didn't do a good job at all. I felt like she was scolding me for not doing a good job. I didn't trust her or myself in opening up. Especially if I open that locked box, people tend to look at me like I am crazy because I sound so irrational if I start saying what comes to my head if I start getting emotional and let it flow.

Another thing that didn't feel right during my appointment at the end, she said something about how my other family members remember things differently from me. I hate, hate, hate, hate when people say stuff like this to me. It makes me feel like they think I am lying and that I shouldn't be feeling so emotional over things. It was the first time that it felt like she was saying maybe I over reacted.

I have been trying not to let the seed of doubt grow. Trying to remind myself that she is a good fit for me and understands me. But I am scared for tomorrow.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Does she work on CBT skills with you? I think they may help the negative thought patterns.

It's true that we all remember things a little bit differently. I don't think your therapist meant anything negative by saying that. I don't think she was trying to discount you.

Recently a distant relative showed me a pic of my family at an event. My brother was in the pic, but the other 3 people in the pic believe he did not attend. There was no other family event anywhere close to this time, so we know it was indeed the event in question. It baffled us all. How could all 3 of us block out my brother from the event completely? The proof was right in front of us. My distant relatives remember him being there. My point is that people do indeed remember things differently.

Our memories are not perfect pictures of the past, rather are shaded by emotions. That's why two people can remember the same event very differently. That doesn't mean one person is necessarily right and the other wrong.

I think CBT can help as this seems to be all or nothing, black and white thinking.

 

[ill]

Sometimes I can open up and be vulnerable in therapy and sometimes I can't open up because I'll just fall apart. Some of my therapy sessions involve more tangible progress than others. Everyone, even non-sufferers, have off-days, where things just don't go as well as we'd like. You're allowed to have off-days and it doesn't mean that you're not trying or that you're not doing well enough. You're going to therapy and sometimes just being willing and able to attend the appointment is an achievement. And sometimes when there's a break, especially after we've allowed ourselves to be vulnerable, it's a little harder because the routine's been altered, we feel exposed and uncertain, and we just need to regain our balance again. We need to re-experience the safety and stability before we can let ourselves be vulnerable again.

I think it's okay to tell your t that you hate when people say those things and why. She may not have meant it in the way that you understood it, and talking about those feelings - which sound like big, painful feelings - might be an important part of working through your experiences.

 

[WillowMarie]

Does she work on CBT skills with you?

I just looked up CBT stuff, and read about someone giving meaning to something that happened. Which is what we talk about, and she tells me to stop putting meaning on things/events/things people say.

She's also told me to imagine a stop sign when my head starts giving meaning to things and stuff, or starts racing. I have been telling myself to stop thinking, like when I got upset all of a sudden when I imagined her telling me I wasn't working hard enough.

To me it feels like another way I chase away my emotions, to push them away, to forget about them. I donno, I guess I thought I had to work through all these feelings.

 

[Seasounds]

It seems to me that you are doing a very good job. I felt similar (insecure, anxious, etc.) when I was getting use to feeling freer with therapists. It is also so natural to 're-live' anxious feelings-that you felt when you last risked expressing yourself freely. Also, it takes TIME to build the inner security,in order to let other people's comments be about themselves. You are Not the problem!

Your therapist seems to NOT know how to adjust her comments and behaviors to help you feel more secure.
It is her job to create an environment that invites you to share, in your OWN timing. Therapists can be so impatient!

Since therapists are usually doing their best, I have often been met with resistance when I have criticized them. Therapy became more troublesome. It would've been better for me to just leave.

If you find yourself feeling consistently insecure, you might check out other therapists, since SHE may have problems of being insecure and of creating secure bonds, herself.

 

[samson]

I have been in therapy for almost 2 years - a baby by some standards - but I can relate to the feelings you have about your therapist. In my case it was all me. I viewed things through a very negative lens and was always convinced that I wasn't performing up to some invisible standard that he had for me. I used to have dreams about not being able to get to my appointment with him or he insisted on having a session while we were at his son's basketball game (which made me feel completely detached). I think about that now and feel like it was a time of learning to trust him. It's really hard to show yourself to someone and be honestly emotional. Especially if you've been abandoned and hurt by people you trust before.

Be as honest as you possibly can with your therapist and if she tells you that she doesn't feel this way about you - believe her. If she says you are right - I agree with Change - find a new therapist. T should be on your time table. They have to push us sometimes, but at the end of the day this is your journey and they are here to come along with us.

Don't worry - this is "normal".

 

[WillowMarie]

t's really hard to show yourself to someone and be honestly emotional. Especially if you've been abandoned and hurt by people you trust before.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I had a feeling it was just me freaking out. She has been amazing and seems to understand me and takes me seriously which I am thankful for. Even though I know she understands the emotions/reactions that come with trauma, I am still scared to let lose.

Don't worry - this is "normal".

It is always a nice reminder to hear this.

Your therapist seems to NOT know how to adjust her comments and behaviors to help you feel more secure.

I realized a few days after I posted this (I was super dissociating during my appointment), that her comment about everyone remembering it differently or something, might have been about the reaction I had to what my mom said and did to my younger brother at a recent family gathering. She may be right, I was the only one to get upset by it.

At the end of the next appointment, she did remind me that I have made so much progress so far and that I am doing a great job. She either is totally in tune with my needs, or reads my posts here, ...lol? And at the beginning of the appointment, she asked what came up over the last week, what was on my mind, as if to ask about my doubts. <--- Might be me just being paranoid.