Scared of PTSD

[taraNcognita]

Somebody please talk to me? I'm not doing so good today. I know none of you know me yet bc i'm brand new, but I know now I've suffered MDD almost all my life. I've known I had PTSD for about 7 years, but not until about the last year and a half has it gotten so bad i finally had to confront it. Started therapy and meds almost a year ago.

It's one-thirty and I still haven't technically gotten out of bed, except to make some tea and stuff. < removed suicidal references >
I am so tired of feeling this way, and I get afraid I'm going to feel this way the rest of my life. I can't do anything, I can't handle anything, and the part of myself that berates me and calls me lazy for not working, for not being able to get out of bed unless absolutely necessary, (i.e. picking my son up from school), for crying all the time, won't shut up no matter how I try.

I just had my first EMDR session yesterday, and it was really intense. I am working with a memory from my early childhood which i've been in denial about until now. So I just realized yesterday that it's not my mind making up the "worst case scenario" just to be dramatic. It really happened, and I'm scared to death. The EMDR seemed to be effective in one aspect, but I had to really focus on that memory and it messed me up bad.

I'm so frustrated bc i know that I'm an outgoing, fun, loving person underneath all this, and I wish I could get to know the people in this forum on more positive terms, but I guess I found you guys just in time.

I don't know if I'm making much sense, I just need to feel I'm not all alone in this world.

love, tara

 

[anthony]

Hi Tara, if you have not yet read the FAQ section, I strongly advise you to do such now before attempting to post in a manner that draws attention and makes reference to suicide. It is not allowed here. Please read the FAQ section thoroughly or your posts will be deleted if they mimic behaviours deemed non-acceptable here.

I understand your having a hard time with your PTSD, though so are a lot of people here. If it was allowed to draw attention then you would have hundreds all doing the same thing, talking about suicide or the like. You are here amongst people who understand, please do not attempt to play the sympathy card here. Members understand, they will respond if you just post openly and honestly, not sympathetically.

Please do not think I am dismissing your trauma, far from it. Your trauma is quite valid here, and understood. Your EMDR session obviously worked as it was meant to work, which is great. Your supposed to be in pain after facing trauma Tara, that is the exact idea. It is about making you face it, forcing you into the trauma in order to discuss it. Your thinking may be quite negative right now, though let me reassure you that you will come through this, you will come out the other side providing you keep working hard on yourself and don't give up on yourself.

Emotion is the root of all pain, you need to identify and talk about what you feel, not just the problems. You can talk to death all your trauma, though if you do not process things at the emotional level your talking serves little purpose.

 

[EmoxxKid]

Hi,

I really understand how you feel...I have been not really able to do much as of late either. I am not working and I feel horrid....

It all passes however. I can assure that if nothing else.

I would love to chat more sometime=)

Geneva

 

[morgan]

Hi, I just want you to know that you are not alone and this too shall pass. Therapy doesn't feel too good but, it is for the best. Feel your feelings reach out and you'll get through it.
Take care, Morgan

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Tara,

Yes therapy makes you feel like shit. Shit that has been stepped in a few hundred times. But in the end it will be worth it. You will go through hell and back through therapy, but it will get easier and easier with time, hard work and patience.

Hang in there, vent when you need to, and try and ask your therapist to teach you some coping skills to ground yourself during this time.

We really do understand....

 

[TDurden1937]

Hi Tara - :smile:

I'd like to address the getting down on yourself for not being able to function at the higher level you want to.

I'm in the same boat, but I for some reason take the attitude that, man, if I weren't sick then I'd be out doing things. Its not because I don't want to, its because I can't, I literally can't . . .

You didn't ask to be sick. It was done to you. You are not your sickness a psychologist told me once and it really helped.

I've been in the deepest darkest places I wouldn't want anyone to suffer through. I've cursed God, God forgive me, everyone and everything. Yet I believe that there is nothing, right, nothing that can defeat the human spirit. If you have the will to get better . . . damn girl, you will!!!!:thumbs-up

Hang in there . . . you can do it. You can! I have and I am getting better and you can and will too!! :clap: :clap:

 

[upstream]

Hang in there Tara! I've been there a few times, the storms did pass. I have faith that you will find your way.

 

[taraNcognita]

Thank you, everyone for your kind words. Sometimes it can help so much just to hear "it's going to be ok". I forget that it's normal to be really freaked out during therapy, it just overwhelms me. I am working on not beating myself up for what I can't do, but really lowering the bar and feeling good about what I am doing. Therapy is by far the hardest work I've ever done.
I'm feeling a lot better today, I hung out with a friend who's especially good at distracting me, so I got out of my head a bit.

Anthony, I think you took what I wrote the wrong way. I wasn't saying anything about a desire or intent to commit suicide, I wasn't really talking about suicide at all! Just the feeling that when everything is so overwhelming I sometimes don't know where I'm going to get the strength to keep doing this, and the image of a black hole of sadness, pain and confusion inside yourself that you're afraid you're going to spiral into.

You are here amongst people who understand, please do not attempt to play the sympathy card here. Members understand, they will respond if you just post openly and honestly, not sympathetically.

Post openly and honestly. That's exactly what I was trying to do. I dont understand why what I wrote, describing my feelings, which I have very rarely been able to do, is considered "playing the sympathy card". Isn't that part of the reason this forum is here? It took a lot for me to write what I did and post it for the world to see. To be berated for it is an all too familiar consequence. I'm not trying to draw attention to myself with this post either. I just don't understand.

tara

 

[linasmom]

Hi Tara,

I'm new here, too. I first posted on a day that was unbearable and I found solace in just being amongst people who suffer like I do. You sound so very alone in your pain and I'm sorry for that. Read around the board a bit, that's what I've been doing, it might help you. There are tons of stories and questions and just general rants that might help you with your struggle. I find that knowing I'm not a freak, that I haven't made feelings or pains up in my head is extremely comforting. Read, read, read, you might find some answers without ever having to ask the questions. It's difficult to not be so hard on yourself, but you're obviously taking steps to heal.

Best,
Rachel

 

[sunnydaze]

Tara,
I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot believe how many are like us or worse. I am 55 and have been suffering since I was 7 or early from P.T.S.D.. We all are feeling like we are different than others, we are! This forum made me realize in this world we live we are not alone. I was diagnosed around 12 years ago that I know of. I have been unhappy with myself seems all my life. I am my worst critic. Take one day at a time and express yourself within the rules of this forum. I too need to read all the rules as I am somewhat new here. I personally like to skip over all that and get right into reading and writing however I would feel real bad if I broke the rules unintentionaly and was warned publically. I have seen a few put back in moderation and that would probably be the beginning of another deep depression episode for me. We can only learn from our mistakes.
My depersonalization takes me back to being a child crying for days or weeks as if scoulded my parents.
I pray,I don't cross the line. May we all be peaceable and helpful to each other. Anthony means well and wants all to enjoy this site not to upset. Don't take it to heart just learn from it.
sunnydaze

 

[pandora]

Welcome to the forum.....you are doing a great job and i agree with sunnydaze.....don't take what Anthony said to heart....he is only protecting the forum......keeping it safe. Sometimes what you write is intepretedly in different ways by different people.

Just move on.....focus on your trauma and keep working hard...it feels bad right now but I assure you writing, talking, processing will make you feel better in the end.

Please remember......you are not alone.

Take Care
Pand

 

[csac18]

re

Hi my name is Anton and I am a medical student and a bit traumatized by these studies myself :crazy:. I plan to write about PTSD. So may I ask what exactly was Your trauma and how u got acqainted to it. Thanks