Scared of PTSD

[anthony]

Hi Tara,

Firstly, no you have not damaged yourself here... your not the first person to come upon this forum and have teething problems with me surrounding sympathy... you won't be the last. That is not a reason to reject you, nor will I typically reject any person looking for help. That is the point though, your looking for help and we can help you, but I just don't allow sympathy here because it does no good for the sufferer. I have PTSD, your not talking to someone who doesn't understand. I know all too the well and have been in the sympathetic stages of PTSD. Someone kicked me in the arse also to wakeup to myself and get out of it. What is sympathy vs. empathy you ask;

Sympathy has a few meanings, though the most used and common is: A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration.

Empathy means: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Statements such as you made in your first post, beyond just the suicidal aspects I removed include:

• Somebody please talk to me? I'm not doing so good today.
• I can't do anything
• not being able to get out of bed unless absolutely necessary

These are sympathetic traits... along with all or nothing statements, which are negative thinking styles directly corresponding to sympathy. That is what you where in denial about, wanting sympathy instead of empathy. You want people to pity you is what I was referring, from the statements you made. Obviously those around you read you exactly as I did, as they said the same thing... you want people to feel sorry for you because of what you have endured. About right? You believe you deserve special attention even from friends because of what you have endured. Getting closer?

You have an affiniative power within you Tara to really help yourself, and your doing that by working through your issues with a therapist and having EMDR, however; you can be in therapy a lifetime and be none the wiser if your therapist also enables your sympathetic viewpoint. Sympathy has a time and place, it truly does, but with PTSD sympathy is a negative trait that feeds PTSD. If you have people enabling your sympathetic desires, which many therapists often do, then your actually never going to get better because your being enabled.

I am sorry that you feel attacked Tara, but I really am quite pushy towards people ensuring what is in their best interests with PTSD. There are certain [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread171.html"]thinking styles[/DLMURL] that are viewed as negative or unhealthy. I think that would be a good start for you to be reading, along with many other of the information topics as they contain a good proportion of the basics required by every PTSD sufferer. Theres a pdf document, [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2296.html[/DLMURL], explaining what goes on within you that you may want to also read, if not already.

We are here to help you Tara, trust us on that, but helping you does not include enabling you, which is why I tackle problems straight up, no settle in time... sorry, but that is my approach. The faster you nip negatives in the butt, the faster you improve for your own benefit....

 

[taraNcognita]

Thank you, Anthony, for the explanation. That helps. I mean, I really did not know I was doing that, and that it's bad for me. That's the reason it bothered me sooo much.
I'm still not clear though. Reading here, I see a lot of people venting when they're having a particularly bad day, like I was. "somebody please talk to me, I'm not doing so good" seems like it would be a normal thing to say here. asking for support because your PTSD is really going to town. "not being able to get out of bed" seems like what I've seen a lot of people write about the way their PTSD is affecting their life, making their days very difficult, preventing from doing things they want or need to do. Can you explain the difference?
I'm sorry I'm so totally clueless, I guess my therapist must be the type that enables sympathy or I would have known about it, right? I will ask her about it when I see her tomorrow.
You're right about wanting pity from people, now that I think about it. I guess I've always felt that I deserved a little sympathy and sorrow from people around me because of everything that's happened in my life. As far as expecting special treatment, really all I want is for people to make an effort to try to understand. To try to accept that my PTSD/depression is a real reason to not be able to work, for crying all the time, etc etc etc. Is it wrong to ask for that?
Gotta go now, but again thank you. I wish you'd been able to explain what you meant sooner, when it was clear I didn't know what the hell was going on and was flipping out about it so much, but oh well.
I'm sure you're really busy so sorry for taking up so much of your time.
I'm trying here, I really am.
ps I'll say again, I did not mean for my original post to sound suicidal. despairing and desperate, yes. but like I said I agree 100% with that rule and I wouldn't break it on purpose even if I did feel that way. (btw i read in the FAQ that venting about suicidal nightmares, etc is acceptable, i better make sure I'm clear about that whole issue too before I screw up cuz I have 'em.
humbly,
tara

 

[anthony]

Reading here, I see a lot of people venting when they're having a particularly bad day, like I was. "somebody please talk to me, I'm not doing so good" seems like it would be a normal thing to say here. asking for support because your PTSD is really going to town. "not being able to get out of bed" seems like what I've seen a lot of people write about the way their PTSD is affecting their life, making their days very difficult, preventing from doing things they want or need to do. Can you explain the difference?

This is some of the confusion, in that when you first come here there is not history, though; when you combine all things into one post you can read it as "wanting sympathy" vs. venting. Venting is venting... usually comes with history I guess or people say, "I am venting" because the written word here is not the same as saying it face to face, no emotion passed in written context so you need to be quite expressive and outline emotion to words ensuring a reader understands. I would say it is impossible to master, though definitely achievable to get right the majority of the time. I guess its one off those things that comes with writing online.

I'm sorry I'm so totally clueless, I guess my therapist must be the type that enables sympathy or I would have known about it, right? I will ask her about it when I see her tomorrow.

Telling yourself your clueless does not help your self esteem. This is another aspect I will not enable, allowing people to put themselves down as PTSD feeds from this. If people don't kick you in the arse and put you in the right direction, such things would not allow you to build your self esteem, to build your self worth, which are important parts of healing because trauma takes so much from you in the first place and then progressively over time. I won't make judgement on your therapist though, but I will say you will likely do so the more you read here and determine whether the therapist is best for you and your condition.

Therapists are not created equally.... you want one who does not tolerate your shit, you want one who is empathetic to you, however; pushes you even when about to break in order to face your fears. PTSD feeds from fear. Unfortunately there is not such thing as facing your part of your fear, you have to face it all so you no longer fear it, which means its going to hurt you and make you ill at the mental level and physical most likely. You have an incurable disorder, it only manifests itself the more you leave it, the more you ignore it, the more you lie to it... it builds greater and destroys you. That is a harsh reality of PTSD... PTSD is a killer, have no doubt. It takes many lives.

You're right about wanting pity from people, now that I think about it. I guess I've always felt that I deserved a little sympathy and sorrow from people around me because of everything that's happened in my life.

My question to you is this. Has this actually done anything positive for you other than feed a negative desire? The negative desire to to fuel your self pity to excuse your behaviour, your actions, your reactions!

To try to accept that my PTSD/depression is a real reason to not be able to work, for crying all the time, etc etc etc. Is it wrong to ask for that?

Yes and no. It is a legitimate reason that you may not be able to work, though it does not mean you cannot work. You may not be capable of work right now, but if you get out of this sympathy stage and into actioning, you could likely begin working in the future.... actually, highly possible. PTSD is not necessarily an excuse for crying, as crying is an emotional outlet, yes... and PTSD feeds from negative emotion, yes. Though that is a touch and go type question I believe. If your crying a lot, then is it excessive? If it is, then what could you do to rectify that?

I know you might be unsteady here presently, though I have seen people come here from 20 years of therapy and walk away from here six months later a completely different, more focused, confident and able to manage their PTSD more effectively, all because the community empathises but pushes one another as a whole. I think you will be just fine Tara... learn, learn and learn from the information sections.

 

[sunnydaze]

Tara,
I personally feel the first few times one writes and tells their story they do want sympathy because nobody ever gave it to them for what they endured in the past. Maybe, this is a first time of even exposing ones past in this forum. After that then one can get built up and encouraged by what they write back to you and be supportive in your thoughts or ideas. I did not read your origional thread as Anthony reviewed and edited it but this going on and on with everyone has to stop. it is starting to bother me. So you wrote something unappropriate the group should let it go enough is enough already.

We are like children inside wanting someone to say "how terrible what we endured but things will get better. We feel your pain." Than get onto the healing process. I am starting to get depressed from this forum. I understand rules need to be set but alittle compassion at the beginning of signing up there is nothing wrong with it. We need to take baby steps so we can understand each move forward that we make. Many times when someone leaps into changes to fast they fall backwards due to lack of understanding.

Stay with the forum things should get better.
sunnydaze

 

[Jonathan]

harsh

I would just like to say i know how you feel i have felt that way myself we are all here for you

i would also like to say i feel the folwing quote is quite harsh i dont feel sympathy was what was intended by the post and personaly if this was said to me i would be hurt and feel attacked i also feel the responce could have been said more tackfully with the same meaning :dontknow:

You are here amongst people who understand, please do not attempt to play the sympathy card here. Members understand, they will respond if you just post openly and honestly, not sympathetically.

 

[anthony]

You are right John, I could say things better, but I am usually just very straight forward, which also often includes my lack of tact. I own that part of my personality.... that is for sure. Not very tactful here...

 

[taraNcognita]

to Anthony: thinking, thinking, thinking...

to Sunnydaze & Johnathan: I'm glad other people understand what I felt like at the beginning of this thread.

I'm sorry this is bothering you sunnydaze, and that this forum is depressing, I feel the same way, but I gather that is part of the point of this forum, not to be depressing exactly, but to face your fears and problems and "push" yourself to get through the pain for a better future life. I'm with you.

 

[taraNcognita]

Also, sunnydaze, I'm actually learning something from this thread, as unpleasant as it's been. like I said, I'm sorry that it's bothering you, can you maybe just ignore it? if it's not something that you think you need to be thinking about maybe it's better not to think about it?

 

[sunnydaze]

Tara,
No problem, I'm letting it go just felt I had to stick somewhat up for you and the others. We all want sympathy, we all want pity and we all want to get well. It is just human nature! I am going to be a slow learner getting well, I can see that but as long as there is progress time is not wasted. I wish you the best on your recovery.
I just got a phone call from my health insurance who has a program to motivate me in putting the past away and setting goals. With this forum, my 2 T.'s and insurance program , I looking forward to begining a new journey of well-being.
sunnydaze:clap:

 

[Jonathan]

Tara,
I'm letting it go just felt I had to stick somewhat up for you and the others. We all want sympathy, we all want pity and we all want to get well. It is just human nature!

here here i agree i would have been so anoyed if this was my thread, Bt i also see what your saying antony this is your forum but i would have thought setting a example would have been key.

Anyway i have nothing else to say on the subject keep in there people:occasion:

 

[taraNcognita]

So basically I've come to a compromise in my mind about this whole thing.
Anthony, you're right, I do want sympathy to some degree, I think that's natural, though I agree it probably doesn't do me any good.
But that was not the motivation behind my original post. I was venting.
"Venting is venting... usually comes with history I guess or people say, "I am venting" because the written word here is not the same as saying it face to face, no emotion passed in written context so you need to be quite expressive and outline emotion to words ensuring a reader understands. I would say it is impossible to master, though definitely achievable to get right the majority of the time. I guess its one off those things that comes with writing online." (sorry whoever's editing, I still havent figured out quoting yet)

I've never been involved in a forum, never even spent much time online, so I don't know the etiquette etc. That's why I kept saying "I just wrote about what I feel!!"; I didn't get why MINE got rejected.

Your reply was kind of nasty, and it hurt, but I get the feeling I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology or anything. I respect what you're doing here very much, but what happened here was pretty much my worst nightmare about writing this stuff in public come true.

I have to write this all out bc I have a super intense reaction to not being truly heard, to being misunderstood; I'm sure that's from all these years of trying to get people to understand what happened and is still happening to me, and no one until very recently REALLY HEARING ME. So I'm sorry everyone for this long, drawn-out crap fest.

My sincerest prayers of healing to EVERYONE here.
the end.

 

[anthony]

Tara, I have no issue is saying sorry to you, sorry. I call it as I read it, I accept that. You don't have to worry about others understanding here, as trauma is their world, my world, we have all suffered in our own unique and individual ways. But here is the best thing from this Tara. You now accept that sympathy has done you no favours. My exact aim then is achieved, because within a few pages you understand it has not helped you, most likely only hindered your progress actually.... so that is the positive you have gained already from being here, and yes as unfortunate a little pain can be, by me poking you about it you have found this now yourself. I nor another can solve your problems, but you can be pushed in the right direction to find things yourself, which only then will you understand and adapt to your healing journey. For that Tara, well done.... short time here and you learnt a very good positive.... sympathy does not help our PTSD.