Scaring Myself

[desiderata310]

I've been low for a bit. Trying to ignore it and push through hasn't been much help.

Today, decent mood. One think goes sideways and BAM. I f*cking want to die. Or cut. Preferrably die. Spent the last hour trying to fight through both.

I still want to cut. I may still trying not to. Running out of alternative ideas.

To be fair, I wasn't ok. I was in a shitty head space but I was faking it well.

Went around with Char. Got posses at him because he ate the shit out of the cat box when I went outside for a moment. Was very rough with him . How can I have a dog help me if I lose it when he does something.... Dog like?

Immediately wanted to run over and hang myself. Or cut. Or I don't know.

Texted z. No response.
Couldn't text my therapist... Just... He thinks I'm getting better and I am... Right???

One more minute.., just trying to wait it all out and im so f*cking sick of me.

 

[Friday]

Waiting is.

I'm with ya. I usually want to die at least a few times a day, no biggie I ignore it and it passes, but this past week it's been durn near constant. Ideation that dips into more. Tried sleeping it off, running it off, music, etc.; my whole bag of tricks and nothing for it but waiting. Came close a few times.

Breathe. Run. Shower. Repeat. Doing the things that are good for me when I want to die? Don't come easy. It gets easier. It does pass. Storms fade. If I can let it play out.

 

[desiderata310]

ok.. a few times a day... that sounds about right. Sometimes more intensely than others.
waiting it out? Harder than usual. Still there, in the background. Slightly better but still making enough noise to distract the living hell out of me and make me feel really fake trying to carry on a conversation at work.

It's definitely EVERY f*ckING NIGHT.
EVERY night.
I try to distract. Usually I can get about an hour out of TV and dog snuggles before I start to fight all the urges again. By the time "normal" bed time has hit I'm in full fledged suicidal mode. I cry. I surf. I come on here. f*cking color in a f*cking coloring book... anything....


Beauty Pageant tonight.

Oh sweet baby jesus.

Still angry with Char. Unreasonably so. finally got him calmed down at work. lying on his bed. Too much stimulus with everyone cooing over him. I'm exhausted. He's keyed up. Been doing that high pitched puppy whine that makes almost me wish that I couldn't hear in the 18-20,000 hz range. he's finally being quiet and lying on his bed. I've had to manhandle him to get him to chill.

I was SUPPOSED to run this morning. Then I was GOING to go do a group ride. I wound up just cleaning house and stripping my linens and going to work. I've done nothing strictly for ME. I didn't go running because I couldn't manage Char and a run. If I run with him right now it's all about HIS training- not mine. It stresses me out and hurts my shoulder. He's damn strong for a pup.

Fighting off tears. Text from Z finally. I think I scared him. I actually googled suicide and LOOKED at and THOUGHT about calling the National Suicide Hotline. Thought about it and got f*cking paranoid at the thought that they could probably trace the call/locate my IP address. All I need are the police showing up to 5150 me.

I don't HAVE a way... just a really strong desire.
At least that has eased off a tiny bit.

Broke down and sent my therapist the OP.

I'm certain he isn't checking email right now so I'm ok with not hearing from him

 

[KwanYingirl]

I get it. The clue is the desire to cut. When I get that urge it's my clue that I'm spiraling down. Irritable, frantic, floating in and out of my body, please end this bullshit. It passes. I don't know how, but I know it does. I slip up with cutting.

If I can pull it together and get out to walk my dog, maybe chat a normal chat with a neighbor, check out the ocean and salt marsh. I usually feel more grounded. If I crawl into bed and let my self destructive voice chatter on endlessly, then I either cut or drug.

I started a small journal of affirmations. When I remember to read them, it helps me change my brain waves and reduce my stress hormones. I always email my therapist when I'm suicidal. Usually he reminds me to get grounded, to breathe, to self care. Sometimes I take his advice and the bad feelings pass.

I learned in AA that it's perfectly ok to fake it til you make it. When we go to work and repress our distress, we carry on jobs that afford us food and shelter. So what if we're not a hundred percent authentic. We know enough to not sabotage ourselves and i see that as a positive.

I have a young dog that is my therapy dog who is naughty too. They are dogs doing what dogs do...
I hope you feel better soon.
Namaste, KYG