Screwed Over.. Betrayed..angry..anybody Else?

[Bill Dickerson]

Can't sleep and I was thinking about the time when my glass ran over. I had seen things and people close to me had died but I think a big part of the overflowing was brought on by being mistreated.

I think on top of all of the other crap I was dealing with many things happened right before the dam busted.

I felt betrayed on several issues and I was very angry. Hell I'm still angry and it was years ago. Being passed over for promotion after being told I was the best man but it was political decision. Being falsely accused of sexual harassment. Getting demoted primarily because I was accused even though it was found the accusations were completely false. The underhanded way the whole situation was handled.

All this in a period of about six weeks. I was so angry for the six weeks I could have chewed nails.

I'm angry about the stuff I saw and the things I feel I should have prevented but I feel hugely betrayed by people and organizations. Knowing how PTSD screws with your head I've thought about the issues. I've tried to determine if me being ill tainted the perception of these events. Was there something I could have done differently. There is a lot of self doubt. Years later I always come back to I was mistreated.

I've come to the realization I was arrogant and full of piss and vinegar. I needed some humility but I had been that way for years. I was honest and good at my job. All kinds of awards and commendations so I wasn't a complete loser. Did something change?

Anybody else have this type of thing happen? Did it trigger the latent PTSD or exacerbate it? Does anyone else feel completely betrayed.

 

[intothelight]

Bill,

For years I was angry and many times played through my head "what if". Ultimately, there comes a point where we have to accept what happened and take whatever lessons we can from it. Whether it is setting boundaries to where we will never accept that type of behavior without being assertive, to finding things we can change in ourselves, to recognizing environments that we cannot function in, etc.

But eventually the "anger" has to be let go. For me anger was just an expression of a lot of different emotions. Perhaps the sense of betrayal is coming out as anger? The problem with being angry is that it doesn't really hurt anyone but ourselves and eats up a lot of our life. I am not one that believes in forgiving and forgetting, but I also don't believe in banging my head on the wall. For me it was an acceptance of what was, changing what I could change, and taking the lessons from the past and moving forward.

Sorry if this is a bit convoluted, but it is hard to verbalize.

 

[MagiLisu]

I spent so much time being angry and not even realizing it. I'm not good a letting my emotions out so all my anger I directed inwards, but it was still there.

I am still angry, and I am still learning to express this. A lot of the things I am angry about I cannot change, and this in itself makes me angry. My biggest issue at the moment is how people seem to be able to do what they want and I just have to 'accept' it. They get on with their lives and I am left here, and I have to 'deal' with it ?! To me that is unfair and yet I can't do anything about it.

I find speaking to my therapist however helps, even if it's just for a little while. I'm not sure how to get to the point where I'm completely anger free however, I'm not sure if I will ever get there.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I see my Therapist about once a month now if for nothing else but stress reduction. It's much less than it has been in the last few years. I guess that is a good sign.

I think the deranged cop (Christopher Dorner) out in California that made me think about it. It seems he let his anger overwhelm him. I know at first I had fantasies about getting even. I know I want slap around a Sgt. who was a racist SOB and that him good qualities. I think I feel sad for him now since he seemed to be consumed by jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. He had the stupid part right. I remember he would read the prior shift incidents to the next shift and kept pronouncing office suite as office suit. Every so often a new guy would correct the mistake but he was so unable to accept he made a mistake he arrogantly continued to repeat the mistake over and over and over. Oy Vey I digress.

Most of my fantasies regarded going to court to reclaim my pride and self respect and the respect of my peers. I have no idea the thoughts of my peers since I just disappeared one day. This is all occurs in my head. I never had the opportunity to consider this in a real sense. I was sick for several years before I could even think of dealing with lawyers and court and by that time the time frame had elapsed.

I know I can separate my life into periods of anger. The teen years were consumed by my parents divorce and the challenge of just showing up for school. The second was the failure of my marriage. The third the last was all of the work and life stuff that brings me to where I am now.

I have to be careful since each seems to build on the others. Like an avalanche each layer of snow builds until collapse. I don't see it as a nice pretty white avalanche it feels like a pyroclastic flow from a volcano consuming everything in it's path.

I do fear that pyroclastic flow coming out on others.

 

[MagiLisu]

I know I can separate my life into periods of anger...I have to be careful since each seems to build on the others. Like an avalanche each layer of snow builds until collapse. I don't see it as a nice pretty white avalanche it feels like a pyroclastic flow from a volcano consuming everything in it's path.

I feel exactly the same, like my life is separated into chunks of hurt and anger.

I would love to say that life will get easier and everything will go away but I don't believe that about myself. I suppose we just learn to carry around our baggage.

I hope in time though it gets easier to carry around your baggage, maybe even one day it'll be a light suitcase.

 

[winterose]

Oh yeah anger has been my friend/enemy for a longtime. Why I have a punching bag.

 

[Britt.f7]

Anger is a difficult one for me. I tend to turn it inward rather then outward. I think there are some people who know that and try to take advantage of that.

There are definitely some deep sense of betrayal, but what can I do there? I can't go back and turn it around. It seems too late to confront the betrayers. Then, I wonder, who have I betrayed? I'd like to think no one, but that is probably not true.

I haven't met a person who wasn't screwed one way or the other. It's what we do afterwards that makes all the difference. We can wallow around in our angry, self righteousness, pity, but after that what is left? We go on because we have to. No choice but to go forward even if you continue to drag all that crap with you.

I'm trying to learn how to move on. I don't want to drag all that baggage with me. Right now, there is some baggage I'm going to have to carry until I can unpack it. I want to get rid of all the unnecessary stuff. My load is heavy enough.