Searching In Vain For Some Relief

[11Cw/PTSD]

I found this forum by googling this idea: "falling apart, ptsd."
Everyday is a struggle. I find myself going through cycles of depression, or depressed symptoms. I can't get out of bed, I abuse substances to deal with anxiety, I am always on edge. I am falling apart. I have a wife and a little baby and I feel so guilty for feeling like crap all the time. I can't be a good husband or father because I can't keep myself together anymore. I have no idea what to do. I fear I'll end up losing my job soon as my performance has begun to shift from less than stellar to borderline terrible. Luckliy, several veterans I work with understand a bit. Still, I feel so ashamed with where I find myself that I conceal the true gravity of the situation. Even the therapist I see isn't helping. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for the forum to do so.

 

[Hashi]

Wow, I really felt for you, reading the search terms you used.

Is the therapist you see a trauma therapist? Can you talk to them about the fact that it's not helping? Maybe you could work together in a different way, or maybe you need to see someone else.

I also wondered if you could get some prescribed medication, or get a review of your medication, to help with the anxiety rather than self-medicating.

It can be a real struggle, and I'm sorry things are so bad for you.

 

[nimkekaa]

Even the therapist I see isn't helping.

Sometimes a therapist is not the right fit for you. I have had a few therapist and some I didn't connect with and some were amazing. I have been in some sort of therapy for about 15 years now.

There is lots of information and support on this forum. I'm glad you found it.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Still, I feel so ashamed with where I find myself that I conceal the true gravity of the situation.

You are so not alone in this! There is much information here, and so many people to connect with - I hope you can find some support and help - you deserve it!

I have been "falling apart" for quite awhile - to varying degrees each day, and having this forum has been a life saver - literally, so I know that being here can work wonders if you will let it.

 

[11Cw/PTSD]

Thank you to those who responded with supportive comments. I refuse medication as I feel the VA here in the U.S. pushes medication without any real attempt to deal with the problem--they are masters at treating symptoms, not issues. When I have accepted medication, I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions. I felt even more disconnected from reality, myself, etc with each pill I took.

The therapist I see is in the PTSD team for the VA. Still, the therapists in the VA system are doctors, not Veterans usually. And, those that are Vets usually aren't combat veterans like me...so our common ground is essentially a desire for mental health. I have tried meditation, yoga, etc etc etc...anything that I think might work I try. Some things relieve stress, but the common factor in all of this is my mind...and my mind is just so f'ed up, I don't know.

The biggest issue is my level of candor. I have explained, in a round about way, that I feel suicidal and have directly detailed my use of certain drugs to alleviate stress---mainly alcohol and marijuana. But, I haven't explicitly said I am nearing a point where my options will be zero. My biggest fear is that addiction will take over and I will have no other choices.

I feel so guilty...what I experienced in Iraq, what I saw and did are with me every day, ever second. I still hear sounds, smells, etc from Iraq even though I'm home and have been for years. I just feel like such a failure...I was a soldier and was trained to deal with the insurmountable...now, life feels that way and I can't get back to where I want to be. I am numb constantly. My only real concern is my baby daughter and the shame I feel for not being the father I wish I could be for her. She deserves better than what I am doing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome 1Cw/PTSD.

You were trained to deal with the insurmountable, but we are not machines, and I see no shame in your humanity showing through. Traumatic stress is a normal reaction to abnormal events and stress. I think you are recognizing and identifying your need, I hope you will be able to 'force yourself' to cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. Then it will be easier to begin to reduce your stress levels, and face the self-medicating first, if you fear or realize that is going to jeopordize your relationships and self. I think you will find much support and help here for yourself, to deal with the ptsd symptoms and help yourself and your family. You are not alone.

Peace to you. :)

 

[jswife]

Hi 11Cw/PTSD. My husband and I have been living with combat ptsd for 8 yrs now.

The first 6 years we were pretty much in denial about how bad it was. He tried self medicating with alcohol but that made him more depressed. He tried different drugs and did talk therapy one hour every 3 months at the VA, but he felt like a lab rat (with the drugs) and he isn't a talker.

During his last tour in Afghan (almost 8 months ago) he was medivacced out after a rocket landed fairly close to his building and caused flashbacks of Iraq that were so bad he literally broke down. I thank God for this every day because it made us "face his demons". I told him that we needed to stop denying what was going on and deal with it otherwise we wouldn't make it.

He refused to go back to the VA so we researched counselors outside of the VA and found one who dealt with combat ptsd. He has been doing EMDR therapy (which the VA does not support even though it is evidence based) for the past 6 months and it has really helped. We still have tough days but he is talking a lot about his feelings with me and the therapist, which sound similar to how you are feeling.

We have some ground rules in place that his therapist recommended for when he talks to me. I ask him if he just wants me to listen of if he wants me to comment on what he tells me. I NEVER make a judgement or tell him how he should or shouldn't be feeling.

I guess my point is don't give up and if you are not comfortable with the treatment at the VA, look elsewhere if you can. I hope this helps.