Secondary Wounding - Blaming Mental Health or Personality

[upstream]

I've read that disbelief and blaming the victim are harmful forms of secondary wounding, and in my experience I find that to be true. But here's the one that has done the most harm to me by far....

Shifting the problem from your environment to your mental health or personality. Or perhaps, denying the problem and instead pointing the finger at your sanity.

For example... "You're too sensitive" "You're paranoid" "You need to toughen up" or "Your depression is causing you to misinterpret their actions" "Your judgment is way off" "You need to change" ...ways of invalidating the trauma, taking the attitude that the main problem is that you're messed up.

My dad often times does this, it's the form his disbelief takes. My mother did something similar when I was physically injured or sick. All this when others in my situations have not only confirmed my perspective but believe it is worse than I do.


At my last job, when management ran out of ways to scapegoat me they started pointing the finger at my personality... turned out the problem was sabotage and rumor.

Anyone else have people in their lives who do this?

 

[2Peanut]

Oooooo I get that so much. "You're too sensitive" or "It's because you feel so badly about yoursel and that's why you see things this way", "Why are always so jumpy?" "Why are you so nervous?" "Don't be nervous!" etc etc I absolutely hate it when people say this because I feel like people don't take my feelings seriously.

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya

I have had problems with people believing what has happened to me - doctors mainly. And yes, it does do so much harm. What I am starting to believe now though is that they are the ones with the problems. They are the ones who cant handle the truth. So they lash out and say nasty things.

I'm taking one doctor to court over this so that she knows that she cant get away with treating people like this. That she has to learn to deal with ALL patients in a professional way, regardless of her opinions. I might not actually get what I want out of taking her to court but I'm sure she will have regrets and a few sleepless nights over this. Only a miniscule part of the damage she caused me.

I have also had someone tell me "you should be able to get over this", " you should just put it all behind you, its in the past" and "its a silly way to think". In my opinion he has said that not because he doesnt care but because he just doesnt understand how something like this can affect you. I'm glad he doesnt understand in that I would never wish him to have gone through something that would mean he does understand. But on the other hand, yes it does hurt...a lot

Anyway, my point is that we are trying to face this and are stronger for it. Others that havent faced this react in a way that hurts us but it is them that have a problem dealing with this, with handling their thoughts and their feelings.

I hope that has come out right and that it makes sense. Peoples attitudes are something that I am now learning (the hard way) how to cope with.

Anyway do take care

 

[Marlene]

I've heard a lot of the same words listed here from friends and associates when I revealed my PTSD.

I think a lot of times people get scared and running their mouth is a way to distance themselves from a problem. You put the word 'mental' in front of anything and people freak. Mental health, mental illness, mental issues, etc. It's almost like they're afraid that something will rub off from us onto them. Also, since most of us are really, really good at putting on that 'normal' mask, when they find out that we have any sort of mental issue, it stops them in their tracks. Almost like 'OMG...if it could happen to him/her (and s/he's so normal!)...it could happen to me'. With PTSD-yeah it could, sunshine.

Human beings have a tendency to try and destroy what they don't understand. And since we're so civilized now, they try and do their destroying in subtle, civilized ways.

Lisa

 

[kers]

Anyone else have people in their lives who do this?

Yeah...me. I abuse myself with those same phrases.

 

[mouse]

Reading this post was just perfect timing for me, as like kers said I say all those things about and to myself, and am trying hard not to believe them.

I hate to admit that for so long I was one that felt uneasy when ever the words mental health or illness were mentioned even after it included me...

My favorites that friends or family have said, would have to be
" aren't you better yet!!"
" how much longer does this take, till your normal"
and the best
" could you stop being so jumpy, and on edge people are going to think your crazy"

 

[Awakening]

Kers, so true, so true. Well said.

 

[upstream]

I have also had someone tell me "you should be able to get over this", " you should just put it all behind you, its in the past" and "its a silly way to think". In my opinion he has said that not because he doesnt care but because he just doesnt understand how something like this can affect you.

Yes! My old therapist used to say that kind of thing to me... get over it. I would always respond with the opinion that he might as well have pointed to a broken leg and yelled "Heal! You shouldn't be broken!"

Marlene... stigma bites. Tolerance of mental illness needs to be taught... in schools and in diversity training. Just like tolerance of Race, Sex, Religion, Orientation...

And Kers, thanks for that brave insight. I've told myself a lot of really abusive things too.

Thanks for all the responses! I wish I could talk to all these people your dealing with and make them understand.

 

[anthony]

Upstream, well said. It is typical for those who have not experienced for themselves to say such things, though when the shoe is on the other foot they learn its not that simple at all. Many veterans with PTSD try the "get over it" approach and fail every single time. You cannot invalidate one's trauma, instead you must acknowledge it, embrace it, accept it has occurred and you cannot just forget it, remove it or the like, instead these are your individual experiences, memories as such, which must now be faced and worked through.

Anyone who says you can go around trauma, over it, under it, ignore it or suppress it are idiots and have no idea what their talking about. They give soldiers beta blockers on return from operations in an attempt to suppress their traumatic memories, all of which the Government are doing is creating more pharmaceutical dependancy along with delaying the overall problem. But then I can see why they do it. If they delay then they have further grounds to argue that the PTSD was not caused by their operational experience, thus they can dismiss it in a decade and wipe their hands of guilt compared to now, just ignore it and society is rebelling against the Government for action from the neglect US soldiers endure. I say US, as not all countries neglect their soldiers problems on return to that extent. (different topic though that one)

Trauma must absolutely be validated.... it cannot be healed unless such.

 

[Deleted member 487]

After 30+ years of PTSD it becomes your personality.

 

[Grama-Herc]

This thread has brought out any interesting memory from that blank space I call my childhood.

My dad was always acussing me of faking my stomach pains and other symptoms. He called me the "Prima dona". He belittled me quite a lot in many aspects of my so called life when he was home.

 

[rt1967]

yes people including me sometimes,thankyou for your post .

The principal causes of mindlessness are systematic lies and discounts which are characteristic of oppressive environments. We are all familiar with lies; a discount occurs when someone denies the validity of our experiences often by way of a lie. Systematic discounts and lies when we are alone, afraid, hungry or sick—in short, powerless--can combine to interfere with our thinking functions and can, if severe enough, lead to total mental breakdown.

When people's perceptions of mistreatment, deception, oppression or outright persecution, are ignored and squelched this most often leads to a confused state in which the person feels stupid and unable to think. Others can respond with large-scale obsessions which evolve their discounted perceptions into hyper-aware systems which become fantastic and unreal; at this point these fantasies are called "paranoid delusions." Claude Steiner