Seeing My Therapist On Tuesday...

[Deleted member 26314]

I'm terrified. I feel like I have posted in here quite a lot (though in reality, I've only posted one or two others). Anyway, I'm meeting her on Tuesday. I've avoided her appointments for the month or so which means when I go on Tuesday, I'm going to be asked why etc. I am nervous about that, obviously, I have trouble talking to people and especially when being asked about why I did or didn't do something. It makes me anxious and scared and I end up shaking and feeling sick until hours after I have left. There is also the fact that my therapist doesn't think anything major is wrong - emotional difficulties is all she has mentioned (aside from PTSD being mentioned once or twice which I covered in my other post). I understand why, I do have anger issues and I am over-sensitive, I over-react and I over-exaggerate everything. So I do understand her judgement. However, I feel as though she doesn't understand how badly [what happened] affected me.

She doesn't think anything bad happened, just that I went through a tough couple months, but it was much more and I just haven't had the courage to talk to her about it. And being honest, I don't see myself getting the courage anytime soon. Which scares me more than speaking to my therapist about it. I know there is something not right with me and my behaviour and my mind, and I can feel myself going down hill. I want help and I want to talk to her about it but I'm scared.

I worry that if I start bringing up all these effects of [what happened] on me, she'll be a bit thrown off at the fact I have 'changed' over the last couple months since we last talked, when in reality I have been this was for the last year and a half and just not spoken to anyone about it. My boyfriend and family see how I act and know something is off, but my therapist doesn't live with me or see me that often so the only way of her learning about how I act and feel and the effects etc, is by me telling her. Which is what I am nervous about doing.

It gets to the point where I feel as though I can't speak or I have forgotten how to speak english when it comes to saying anything about myself and whats wrong.

I don't know what to do? Any advice?

I was thinking of asking to see her much more frequently - maybe once a week or twice even, that way I could build up much more trust with her and start of slowly. However, she is with the NHS and has a lot of people to see so I'm not sure of the availablity of this.

I'm thinking that this appointment on Tuesday, maybe it could just be me finding my footing again and getting used to speaking to her - about anything - then, after asking about having more appointments, I guess I could then slowly start to ease my way in and talk a little more. Maybe? I don't know..

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

She doesn't think anything bad happened

Just out of curiousity, how did PTSD come up if nothing bad happened? Are you sure she thinks that or have you jumped to that because she hasn't pushed you on it?

Therapy is as useful as you make it and your therapist can only work with what you tell her. You'll be doing yourself a favour to start bringing little bits of this to therapy. For me after even just one session out of sync it takes me a while to be able to go deep again. Also I personally go really deep for a session or two and then back off for a while, whist I recuperate. Also I'm the NHS and I've got a set number of 48 sessions which are for the most part weekly.

 

[Seasounds]

I would trust your sense that she doesn't hear, nor validate, you. I'd ask for a referral.

I've found that as therapists can give useful perspectives, and that they can also add to denial systems-about their own traumas. I think you've broken through denial systems, and your therapist hasn't. Some therapists have difficulty, and/or are not encouraged to, trust client's sense of things, unknown traumas, etc. It is so great you are relating to what is. I hope you find a therapist that can hear you.

I understand why you would avoid this therapist-even as she may have good intentioms. For that reason, it may pay off to be gracious, to get a referral; you could say some polite excuse for missing the visits (like needing time to build up courage to ask to work with someone else-a trauma therapist), and save the truth for this forum. (Therapists are human and often can't handle criticism.) This may help her be more cooperative with you.

Your sensations are your guide to your personal experiences and reactions to your life. They are your truth, no one else's. Look for someone who can help you explore them, not try to limit your search or perceptions.

This is how I came to understand what was behind my presenting depression and anxiety. I think you are well on your way!

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Just out of curiousity, how did PTSD come up if nothing bad happened? Are you sure she thinks that or have you jumped to that because she hasn't pushed you on it?

After I told her, very breifly, about what happened she said asked if I had heard of PTSD and said that I was behaving and feeling similar to how someone with PTSD does (generally). I asked what she meant and she said that she thought PTSD could be a possibility and that she'd have to think about it and wait and see what happened. That was quite a while ago and PTSD hasn't been brought up since. When I was referred to a psychiatrist for depression, the psychiatrist said that nothing was wrong (no mention of PTSD), I knew I wasn't depressed. She noted down a history of trauma on a letter she sent to me detailing what she thought, and said that I had emotional difficulties. My therapist agreed.
Though like I said, PTSD hasn't been brought up for ages, as in months and months and months.

Thank you for the comment Change. I dislike my therapist, I don't want to seem rude, but I don't think she is good at her job. When I spoke, in quite an upset manner and on the verge of tears, about how I just wanted to forget everything (I know I can't and wont be able to for a long time, but I just needed to vent), she brought her own events into the conversation and started talking about her own problems with remembering it. I know she was just trying to help, by making what happened to me seem more normal and the effects seem more normal, but instead it made me feel a bit belittled. That and I don't think, as a therapist, you should involve your own issues into a clients life.

I do want to find someone else, however the NHS is very limited and I don't think I'll be able to find a therapist specialising in trauma, who doesn't cost. So.. I might have to stick with her until I save up for a couple sessions with a trauma specialised therapist.

I'm not sure if you know about the NHS so ignore this if you don't, but is it possible to get a refferal to a trauma focused therapist from a GP?

 

[shimmerz]

@Katarina19, can you ask her the status of her having mentioned the PTSD and ask why she has not focused on it? Can you make up a list of what you want to focus on? I get that you don't like her but I am a bit caught between @Kas_Can_Fly and @change. Both parties have a responsibility to get to the end goal which is healing. You are saying you are keeping things from her as you don't really feel safe BUT she threw out the PTSD thing and left it. Do you want to focus on that (assuming you do as you are asking about trauma based therapy). I would call her on it before you make a move. Many therapists keep away from the trauma piece until the client is ready to address it. Maybe you just need to tell her you are ready?

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Thank you for your post. I am hesitant to talk about what happened, who wouldn't to be honest. However, I do need to and do want to, which makes me think that I need to find someone who knows about how to handle a client who has been through something traumatic and knows of specialist ways to help that my current therapist (a clinical nurse) might not.

I told her I was ready about 3 months ago, before that we'd talk about nothing (i.e. the weather or school or friends) and it was getting on my nerves, so my mum rang and spoke to her and said that I wanted to talk about more significant things. She then spoke to me about my desire to talk more about other things, I agreed and she said the continuing appointments would be more focused on that but they never were.

She mentioned PTSD when I first started going to her appointments, I think it was the third appointment or something. I've seen her for about 7 months (not continuiously) weekly, sometimes fortnightly. Since then PTSD hasn't been brought up, so I am unsure (however it is unlikly) that it's on her mind at all anymore. I'm not sure, she might still be watching and waiting, but it has been 7 months and not one word or an indirect suggestion at it has been said.

I will probably write things down I want to focus on and maybe just give it to her. It might help me get the courage to talk about it if she is able to bring the subject up first.

 

[shimmerz]

and knows of specialist ways to help that my current therapist (a clinical nurse) might not.

Yes. Absolutely.

I told her I was ready about 3 months ago,

Gottcha! Okay, sounds like you have covered your bases.

I will probably write things down I want to focus on and maybe just give it to her.

So much easier. I find when I do this I am not 'under the gun' so to speak to perform. I tend to freeze or remember afterwards what I should have said.

Sounds like you have thought this through very well. Best of luck in finding someone who can take you further on your journey!

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Thank you very much shimmerz, I tend to over think things but I guess in this case it's proved helpful. I have the same problem as you, with the freezing up and I always end up forgetting how to speak, so to say. So hopefully this method of writing just the topics I want to bring up might help. :)

Thanks again!

 

[shimmerz]

@Katarina19 I think you manage better than you give yourself credit for! You seem very clear about what you need. ;)

 

[ghotiff]

I do want to find someone else, however the NHS is very limited and I don't think I'll be able to find a therapist specialising in trauma, who doesn't cost. So.. I might have to stick with her until I save up for a couple sessions with a trauma specialised therapist

I just want you to consider that for some situations no therapist is better than a not-working-out-therapist. I have no idea if this is true for you, but I wanted to point out that third option (in case you hadn't recognised it as an option).