Seeing red flags everywhere

[TruthSeeker]

Yeah, my thought was in the “flirting part of relationships” there is a yes/ no dance- often in the lust stage. I’d just be sure of what you really want, no means no, follow through and not give in ( which only positively reinforces that no means yes). Talk like a duck- then walk like a duck.

 

[PandaPower]

Thanks for your replies Wilbur, zoogal and ronin ! I do think it’s a factor of both communication gaps where there are gaps in how we read each other, plus the fact that I am more assertive on text as I have time to respond carefully not just react (and my instinctive reactions are definitely not assertive) and text probably gives him the chance to respond rather than react too.

 

[hithere]

Hello. I think your examples are red flags and yet they can be worked on if your partner is willing. But I will tell you your partner doesn't care about you because your partner doesn't act like it. Since I grew up with abuse, I was really clueless and put up with "micro" abuses and dismissed them as "I'm so self-centered and need to be better and just give in." This just led to worse and worse and worsening intimate partner abuse.

Pushing for sex when you don't want it, and then continuing to push is not caring about you at all. I once had the best lover and what made him stand out is he would "check in" with me during sex; every little move was an invitation and he waited for the yes. Sometimes I didn't respond with a yes, and he stopped, even when he was sexually frustrated. He managed his own desires, because the sex was an experience to enjoy. Having sex with someone who really doesn't want to have sex with you just feels so --- ick, gross, who would want that? My best lover was caring toward me by always checking in if I was ok and if I responded to his next move. Needless to say-the sex was pretty hot and passionate when it happened. Who wouldn't sexually blossom with that kind of care and understanding. Being pushed for sex in the way you describe feels more like "porn sex" driven rather than intimacy driven. Porn is kind of fast and hard and just leaves you feeling like a thing used, like someone just went to the bathroom on you.

One thing to ask is when you say no, and he doesn't push for more, what does he do? Does he act depressed, or like you don't care about him, or get angry? These are big flags. You should not be made to feel guilty for not being in the mood, and certainly anger would be a big red flag.

Your partner sounds very young like a teenager. Not wanting to pay attention to you, but demanding all attention be on them. If they are unwilling to listen to your cares and concerns and make adjustments, then I would suggest relationship counseling. Your partner may have some deep issues that keep them regressed in the teen boy stage. If they don't want to work on it, then you have a decision to make.

For what it is worth, those are my thoughts! Good Luck!

 

[PandaPower]

Hey hithere! Thanks for your reply! I don’t know if it’s fair to say he doesn’t care. I think the truth may be somewhere like he can be selfish at times and not at others and I have to figure out how much of that I can put up with. I also focused on his worst behavior in the post, mostly he listens to me when I want to share about my day, sometimes he doesn’t. He pays attention to me in other ways such as taking care of me physically and engaging with me playfully. He’s pretty great about listening to feedback and does change behavior that is hurtful to me. However, it is hard for me to know how much I should willing to put up with and if there’s a line he’s crossing that I’m missing and then I become fearful and start questioning everything and at those times I focus on the negative and miss out on the grey areas. But after this thread I have decided that his response to this conversation about boundaries and me saying no will determine whether I continue to be with him or not.

 

[RavenWine]

Those are definitely red flags. I have the same issue as you. I'm trying to figure out if there are any red flags with the guy I've been seeing. I feel like I mostly have been the only one to show red flags but he's said a few things that make me wonder. He does seem to be careful with me though and when we're having sex, he'll keep asking if I'm ok and stuff because my ex used to force me to have sex and I wouldn't be able to say no. No one is going to be perfect to be around but your guy forcing you to do stuff you don't want to is a super red flag..

 

[TruthSeeker]

Boundaries are your boundaries....they usually aren't agreed to as a couple. Respect is key in any relationship. Listening is essential for a healthy relationship and being heard is also really important. Rather than evaluate his behavior, evaluate your expectations.....what key things do you need consistency in, in your partner?