Selective Mutism....but I Am An Adult.

[Pakadlangitok]

Something odd has happened to me. If you have been following my threads, here is back story.

A LOT of early trauma and abuse, displacement, illnesses and disability. (i.e. my life has been hell) In Jan I had a serious car accident with lots of injuries, and some to the face. These resulted in the fact that they will have to do surgery and some of it will show. And I was sick before the accident with bone marrow disorders...........

I have lost 15 pounds and am in a lot of pain. "What to do? Which problem to tackle first??"

It all just got to be too much. So, On the 11th tried to end it.

Well, the stress of the surgery and not being able to smile or talk or eat, the trauma, the accident, the blood issue, the suicide attempt, the abuse, etc......... Something flipped and I completely stopped talking in public. It is not so much a choice as stopping the intense pressure I feel now around people.

I talk to family but will not talk to anyone else. It is so serious that I have started to take ASL. (American Sign Language).

The strange thing is that it makes me feel very safe. I no longer have to gauge what I am going to say to someone, how to explain my weirdness. Now I am very very weird but that is better than being half in and half out.

It is like I am going back to when I was a kid disabled and forced to live in the "real world" only now I am taking it back. I want to live my separate, disabled life now. Letting no one in ever again.

It is terrible for people who kind of knew me (attendants at the market etc_) because I can't explain to them unless I write and I am not doing that.

On the one hand, it is safe and a protection. On the other, I feel so selfish. And yet on another I am SO completely exhausted by life that it just no longer matters.

Anyone else done this as an adult??? How long did you do it? What happened?

 

[shimmerz]

The strange thing is that it makes me feel very safe. I no longer have to gauge what I am going to say to someone,

This is probably why I used to go mute for days at a time. I literally couldn't talk. I think part of it is a regressive thing, a shutting down. Kind of like locking myself into a box. But there was something very physical about it too. Signing is a great way to get around it. I used to get tired of writing all the time.

I never really thought of it as having to gauge what I said to someone. That really resonates with me. I say, do what feels right and accept what you are doing for now. Challenge it when you feel right about that.

Are you seeing a therapist?

 

[sedna]

Something odd has happened to me. If you have been following my threads, here is back story.

A LO...

I'm not sure if I understand all of the situation, but I definitely have had the ability to minimize communication with people. I'm hearing impaired and I just " lose my hearing aids " whenever I feel like it.

So that part I can relate to. I dont think its selfish at all. You sometimes need to just slowdown the amount of energy you spend dealing with people and communicating.

A lot of people just become isolated or agoraphobic, I've done of some of that too. This isn't total avoidance, you're just taking an opportunity to make life more manageable for you at this time, no one needs to know why or what you're doing unless you want them to.

 

[Hopeful3x]

When I was a kid I stopped speaking my parents freaked out they didn't know what to do so they sent me to a shrink I saw him a few times and started speaking again. I know it was a side effect of abuse and to this day every once in a while a have a hard time getting my words out. Some times I can't even speak, but I play it off.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

Thank you for the replies! No, I am not seeing a T. I have one, but she is where I lived before the accident. She has checked in but I have not told her about any of this.
It will be long term because of the injuries to my face. When they do surgery, it will affect my speech. I wlil be able to talk but it will be embarasssing.