General Self care - or not...

[Abstract]

What does your self esteem look like after all this? That is often what stops people. Do you have a habit of putting others before yourself? Over empathising with them and under empathising with yourself. His behaviour to you is appalling! What do you miss? What does he have to do or say to make you leave?

 

[Sighs]

What self esteem? Lol
I was taught from before I could walk or talk that my father and my brother were more important than I was and to hide my needs and wants for fear of upsetting them. I miss being able to enjoy myself without fear of how he might react. I've only ever had that for a very brief time in my life when I was single.
I used to think I would leave if things ever got physical. They have got physical on two occasions now and I'm still bloody well here!

 

[Sweetleaf]

Every time I think I've made up my mind to leave, I miss him and worry about him and go back

Trust me on this one - like, every time I have felt like that, in a relationship, wondering if I should end it or not, and then ended it anyway - I have felt f*cking -relieved- after doing the breaking up.

Even my psycho ex was relieving to leave, even though I have PTSD now from what he did.

So why oh why can't I seem to leave this man?

Biology!!! I swear! It's just your brain chemicals and shit, likely combined with the ways he's gained control over you. It's such a huge hurdle to get over. Take a leap of faith though. If he's controlling you so much, it's definitely a bad idea to stay. You'll feel -relieved- when you leave, because you'll have freedoms that you don't get to enjoy right now. Guaranteed relief right there! - and I bet there will be much more relief than just that.

The problem is - you can't have reliable judgement when it comes to the person you're in a relationship with. IMO. You have to depend on other people, to make sure the person you're with is good for you. If a bunch of people are all telling you to leave - even if it feels really hard to do, even if it feels wrong - you should leave for your own good.

I don't think there ever is a good relationship, where you talk about it, and people say "get out!!!"

You don't have kids, you don't have shared finances - perfect. Get out!!! It'll be simplified.

Don't stay in that horrible relationship. Things are just going to get worse.

They have got physical on two occasions now and I'm still bloody well here!

!!!!!! YEP!!!!!! things are just going to get worse

Holy shit get the f*ck out. Do you really want to give yourself like, years worth of traumas to have to work through? That's the start of it. He hit once, he hit twice, he's damn well going to hit you again, and maybe he's gonna hit you a whole lot harder. I'm telling you - get the f*ck out. ONE single hitting is grounds for leaving, period. No matter what. Getting hit one single time means you need to f*cking leave them.

 

[Teasel]

I'm guessing there will be a belief / value you hold that has something to do with it?

Edit to add - growing up feeling like your Dad and brother were more imortant than you will do it hey

For me, when I met my partner, I was ever so vulnerable, I'd been raped and tried to deal with it by pretending nothing had happened. And my life was falling apart and it seemed pretty much everyone I knew was abandoning me. So when I met him I remember deciding I would do anything it took for this to be one relationship that didn't abandon me. Also, because I have felt so abandoned and hurt, I never wanted to treat anyone the way I'd been treated - I think it made me feel I couldn't do anything that might hurt his feelings even though he has kind of been on a relentless campaign to destroy me.

I can see now this put me in a position to accept all kinds of unacceptable behaviour that I would never have put up with ordinarily.

I think too that it's taken nearly two decades of being in this relationship with a man who's seemed to want to destroy absolutely anything that pleases me, or feeds the soul so to speak - for me to see that I am giving my power away to a man who has shown clearly his intention to starve me of anything good. And that instead of hoping he will start treating me well I need to f*ck him off and begin treating myself well.

Apologies for going on about myself.

I found these two books extremely helpful in busting the beliefs and values that keep me tied to him (Though I'm still bloody well with him)
Dead Link Removed and
Dead Link Removed

In Patricia Evans book the verbally abusive relationship, she describes how those of us being abused tend to mistakenly see the good in our partners. If they behave like this or that, we explain it to ourselves as being because of this or that extenuating circumstance. Rather than seeing that this person is hurting us and getting ourselves away from them, we think their behaviour must be down to some hurt they experienced. Effectively giving them carte blanche to suffer no consequences for behaving badly.

I grew up with abuse, have always felt others have power not me, but that's not the case.

I really do hope you go to that jewellery exhibition
Well wishes

 

[blackemerald1]

@Sighs - I think you can gather the general consensus from the responses. I was just wondering if you would like to describe what led up to the two physical assaults that occurred. The reason I ask this is that sometimes when we 'survive' the assault's we tend to minimise their importance in terms of the escalation and the abuse trajectory that you might instinctively suspect you are on. :hug:

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy can freak out if I make plans at the last minute. Which is what my family is famous for. Just this past Saturday I talked with my sister in the morning and she said she was having a BBQ later in the day. When I told him about it he had a meltdown. Regrouped. Then was able to talk about it. When I tell him in advance he has less of a problem with things.

He worries constantly about me so if I decided something last minute he just gets that much more worried. When I want to do something I give plenty of advanced notice. I'll even remind him weekly. Then daily. It's on the calendar. He needs to know where I'll be and when I'll be home. It probably does sound controlling but he has never stopped me from doing something.

What would happen if you did these things anyways? If it's going to be an argument either way you may as well go and enjoy yourself. No?? I would.

So sorry about this @Sighs! We all deserve to have friends and family in our lives. Maybe you should spend a few weeks apart with little communication? You can clear your head and see how it goes.

Sending big ol' hugs to you and your crabby Veteran. XO

 

[Abstract]

Oh my goodness. What you describe is a potential real crisis for you in the future waiting to take place. More even than the present. If you are used to caretaking and are already in that mode continuing as you are is very risky. I'm leaving aside the obvious stuff - his behaviour. No judgment here. These things can be insidious at first and if you weren't taught the fundamentals of self care as a child it is jolly hard not to be sucked into that space.

Could you discuss the situations where it became physical? I realise the emotional aspect of these situations can feel just as important but its important to do so regardless. What would you say to one of us if we were in the same situation?

 

[Freida]

Call a Domestic Violence hotline. Read your initial post to them. LISTEN to their response.
This is no longer ptsd. This is abuse
Can he change? Maybe
Will he change? Maybe
If you leave while he figures it out will you be safer? Probably

 

[Hojay]

A little late to this thread. I feel for you and the mind boggling, heart splitting, confusion ridden cycle you’re in. You’re not alone and I don’t judge you for sticking around. These dynamics do something to your brain and I fully understand he whole discourse of inner reasoning that keeps you in it. I’ve been there. I know from experience that nothing anyone can say will help you leave. You don’t need to have your eyes opened. I think they’re pretty wide open already, but if that’s all it took there wouldn’t be crisis hotlines, shelters, and therapists to extract people from situations like these. And if you’re anything like me, being altered to how abusive this sometimes makes you feel even shittier and weaker for staying.

It’s a step by step process and I think it starts with having compassion for yourself and the choices you’re making. One of the things that helped me extract myself from a previously abusive relationship was this website: http://outofthefog.website/relationships-1/2015/12/6/chosen-relationships

It’s a no pressure, easy to digest resource. Hugs to you, sighs.

 

[blackemerald1]

I really don't think anyone here is judging @Sighs - she is saying how it is for her right now and I know I will support her whatever she decides to do or not do.
@Hojay - your points are quite valid. It is extremely difficult and takes a lot of courage. I am glad you got out safely.

 

[Hojay]

Oh, sorry if it read like I thought anyone here is judging sighs, @blackemerald1. I didn’t see any judgement here whatsoever. I’m just speaking from my own experience and how difficult it is to hear “advice” without feeling like a pile of weak shit for staying, and that that’s why I won’t be going into how bad some of these behaviors sound. Hope that makes sense! And thank you, I spent a good chunk of my twenties trying to extract myself and then heal. Wish I could have learned those self-love lessons a little easier. Such is life :)

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! So obviously its hard to talk about the physical incidents. I know intellectually I'm minimising this.

The first time he and I were arguing in the hallway and I went to push past him. I had my arms at my sides. I didn't push him - just went to push past him. He used his forearm against the side of my head to body slam me into the wall. The second time, he started yelling at me while he was sweeping the floor. He hit the wall with the broom which bent the handle. I told him to calm down. (Like that has EVER worked on anyone EVER :rolleyes:). I then turned around to walk away. He pushed me in the small of my back with the broom head, then swung it up from the floor to hit me underneath my butt cheeks. I turned around to face him and the broom was swinging down so I put my hand up to protect my head and the broom head connected with my hand. I think it cracked a knuckle but I never went to the doctor to find out.

I don't know why I keep thinking - well, he didn't exactly hit me - I mean its not as if he punched me or anything.

Also, when he is being lovely - which he is very capable of being - then the abuse takes on something of an surreal character. Sigh!