My husband has PTSD from a laundry list of past traumas in childhood and adult years. He refuses to acknowledge is condition or to seek treatment. It makes for some very explosive behavior especially when we have conflicts. It scares me and I live fearing that it will happen again. I love him and I don't want to leave him. If I start to feel constantly unsafe, I will. In the meantime I need suggestions and support about taking care of myself. That's why I am here. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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Relationship Self care suggestions
- Post starter WHIII
- Start date
LuckiLee
VIP Member
Welcome to the forum.
I do the things I love when my guy is in ptsd mode. If he's having a meltdown I give space and do my own thing. Friends. Family. Drives. Shopping. Nature!! Walks. I keep a kite in my car now. lol
He and I have a system (mostly I
). Our issue is his nightmares. Sometimes he wakes up "in a different time and place", and can be a bit of a bear. He doesn't sleep much during the work week so on the weekends I take the mornings to myself and he sleeps. Today I'm meeting my friend for breakfast then my sister at a huge outdoor flea market. I'll be home by 1 and then he and I will do something together.
Most of the time, if he's in a bad place he'll go do his own thing. He'll take his guitar to the lake, take a drive or go fishing.
Relationships are hard sometimes. PTSD relationships?? On a whole different level of hard. Untreated PTSD relationships?? A no go for me. And he knows it. We had a rough start but WE work hard to have a loving peaceful life. With therapy, information, a job he loves and good support he has a grip on things. Knowing why he is the way he is and that he's "normal" put things in perspective and lessened the shame and guilt he carries. He loves his life and likes himself again.
Take time for yourself and learn about ptsd and ptsd relationships. If he doesn't do the same?? Ugh. I feel for you.
Good luck!
I do the things I love when my guy is in ptsd mode. If he's having a meltdown I give space and do my own thing. Friends. Family. Drives. Shopping. Nature!! Walks. I keep a kite in my car now. lol
He and I have a system (mostly I
). Our issue is his nightmares. Sometimes he wakes up "in a different time and place", and can be a bit of a bear. He doesn't sleep much during the work week so on the weekends I take the mornings to myself and he sleeps. Today I'm meeting my friend for breakfast then my sister at a huge outdoor flea market. I'll be home by 1 and then he and I will do something together. Most of the time, if he's in a bad place he'll go do his own thing. He'll take his guitar to the lake, take a drive or go fishing.
Relationships are hard sometimes. PTSD relationships?? On a whole different level of hard. Untreated PTSD relationships?? A no go for me. And he knows it. We had a rough start but WE work hard to have a loving peaceful life. With therapy, information, a job he loves and good support he has a grip on things. Knowing why he is the way he is and that he's "normal" put things in perspective and lessened the shame and guilt he carries. He loves his life and likes himself again.
Take time for yourself and learn about ptsd and ptsd relationships. If he doesn't do the same?? Ugh. I feel for you.
Good luck!
- Post starter
- #3
These are all great suggestions. This issue is that he doesn't really accept that he has this therefore treatment is not happening. It's gotten to the point where I know I am not capable of living with this long term. I am hoping that he will come to some sort of acceptance about these issues, but I have to be prepared that he may not and that I may have to make other choices so that I can go on with my life in a healthy way. He had a surgery a few weeks ago and this really brought a lot of unhealthy behaviors to the surface and conflicts between the two of us have been more frequent and more intense. I'm worn out and looking for ways to keep from being sucked into this vortex of crap. I love him, but I also love myself and the way that I have overcome my own trauma through hard work and therapy. Keep throwing suggestions my way because I am all ears.
LuckiLee
VIP Member
I left the home multiple times in the beginning. Before therapy. I know exactly how ugly it is. I'm sorry you're in this situation and you're right. You may have to leave.
The longest I left was for about a month. He stopped his meds and therapy. It was fugly. I left until he got his sh!t together. And I'd do it again!!
When he's in ptsd mode. I do not engage. At all. He's not in reality. Nothing I say will help and will only make things worse. So I give space. I leave the room, house, store, party, restaurant etc. He can't talk to me like
if I'm not there. He can have his hissy fit without me.
You don't have to make any decisions today. Go do something you want to do. Fresh air always help me.
When I came to this forum I was exactly where you are right now. Down the rabbit hole with my guy. At my breaking point. I read everything I could and learned so much here and applied it to our relationship. This place saved us. And me.
The longest I left was for about a month. He stopped his meds and therapy. It was fugly. I left until he got his sh!t together. And I'd do it again!!
When he's in ptsd mode. I do not engage. At all. He's not in reality. Nothing I say will help and will only make things worse. So I give space. I leave the room, house, store, party, restaurant etc. He can't talk to me like
if I'm not there. He can have his hissy fit without me.You don't have to make any decisions today. Go do something you want to do. Fresh air always help me.
When I came to this forum I was exactly where you are right now. Down the rabbit hole with my guy. At my breaking point. I read everything I could and learned so much here and applied it to our relationship. This place saved us. And me.
arfie
Diamond Member
hello whill. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
i am the ptsd victim with violent tendencies in my marriage. i am also a u.s. army veteran and have provided therapy support for my fellow vets with similar tendencies. in my logic, violence is understandable, but far from okay. the violent explosions are an unwelcome fact of my life. under no circumstances is it okay for me to explode at innocent bystanders. allowing one of my support peers to hurt me is far from helpful.
safeguards are a critical element in providing therapy support of this nature. let us not mistake gunpowder for black pepper. among my safeguards are 1) backup. i look for a trusted supporter who is apprised of the situation and ready to provide support, if needed. 2) escape routes and resources. i keep car keys and lodging funds ready to grab as i run out the door. 3) personal support. providing support is hard, mind/heart-bending work. having a shoulder to cry on helps me through. 4) stay away from lawyers. they have a way of turning incidents into judgemental, irrefutable history.
but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.
i am the ptsd victim with violent tendencies in my marriage. i am also a u.s. army veteran and have provided therapy support for my fellow vets with similar tendencies. in my logic, violence is understandable, but far from okay. the violent explosions are an unwelcome fact of my life. under no circumstances is it okay for me to explode at innocent bystanders. allowing one of my support peers to hurt me is far from helpful.
safeguards are a critical element in providing therapy support of this nature. let us not mistake gunpowder for black pepper. among my safeguards are 1) backup. i look for a trusted supporter who is apprised of the situation and ready to provide support, if needed. 2) escape routes and resources. i keep car keys and lodging funds ready to grab as i run out the door. 3) personal support. providing support is hard, mind/heart-bending work. having a shoulder to cry on helps me through. 4) stay away from lawyers. they have a way of turning incidents into judgemental, irrefutable history.
but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.
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