Relationship Self-destruct Cycle

[LovingMySoldier]

My fiance has severe complex PTSD. He had been making a lot of progress despite the fact that he refuses to get professional help. But over the past month, he has spiraled into a self destruction cycle. In the past, his self destruct mode would only last for a few days at a time and then it would get better. This time, however, we are on week 5 now and I'm seeing no signs of improvement. He had mentioned shortly before this started that every time things are going good in his life something bad happens and that it's coming and he can feel it coming. It's almost like he's trying to make something bad happen so that he can control it. It's like he is actively trying to destroy all of the good parts of his life. And it is very hard for his friends and family that care about him. And I have no clue how to help pull him out of this. Any advice?

 

[Mytime]

Can you give a little bit of more info on how he self’s destructs ? I know it’s hard and we all want to help and fix the ones we love. He has to be the one who wants to fix himself. He needs to take the steps to work on his PTSD. Do you know why he hasn’t done therapy? You can’t pull him out, he has to do it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You really can't. He has to do the work himself. All you can do is make boundries for yourself and stick to them. Focus on your own mental and physical health. And that's really it.

ETA: And give space when asked.

 

[Friday]

And I have no clue how to help pull him out of this. Any advice?

Have you asked him?

 

[LovingMySoldier]

Can you give a little bit of more info on how he self’s destructs ? I know it’s hard and we all want to help and fix the ones we love. He has to be the one who wants to fix himself. He needs to take the steps to work on his PTSD. Do you know why he hasn’t done therapy? You can’t pull him out, he has to do it.

He's tried counseling in the past. He didn't feel like it helped. He has friends who have tried meds that made things worse. And he's worried about losing his conceal carry permit because that will cost him his job.

He is back to drinking heavily (he had quit other than an occasional glass of wine with dinner 1-2 a month). He's damaging relationships by saying and doing harmful things to anyone that was still there for him - friends, sister, young adult children, me... he's doing things to put his job in jeopardy (calling in, going in late, staying up drinking and going in hung over and sleep deprived). We had filed for primary custody of his 3.5yo and he's doing things that could not only prevent him from getting primary custody, but he could lose what he has now. He had a good co-parenting relationship with the mother of his 7yo, and he's destroying that also. He's also quit seeing him as much as he was. He's started having suicidal ideation again. He's spending money that we can't afford for him to spend.

You really can't. He has to do the work himself. All you can do is make boundries for yourself and stick to them. Focus on your own mental and physical health. And that's really it.

ETA: And give space when asked.

I've been here for him through a lot. Honestly, probably through more than I should have for my own well-being. He feels like everyone he's ever cared about has abandoned him. I have been determined to be there for him. I've helped him put his life back together and get on his feet. It's hard to sit back and watch him destroy everything we've worked so hard to build.

Have you asked him?

Yes. He said I can't. He finally admitted last night that he is self-destructing. He says he has an appointment with his therapist today. Maybe she can get somewhere with him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He's spending money that we can't afford for him to spend.

Here's a good boundry. You need to pay bills. That's just a fact. Don't pay bills and you are homeless or at least without power, water, and food.

Set a boundry. I will not be with someone who cannot handle finances. Or just take him off the checking account. I talked my dad into doing that when my step mom was spending every dime on opiates. I watched her forage his signature on a check for $200. Making her think I'd keep that from him. Went straight to him and had a heart to heart. I am a clean addict. I get it. But you cannot afford to support that habit. Then don't.

Maybe, I cannot be with someone who spends all our money and doesn't get help.

I am not sure how exactly to set this boundry. Apparently I am not the great with boundries. All I know is letting that go unchecked is not good. I have seen that go unchecked with my dad and it was super bad!

 

[LovingMySoldier]

Here's a good boundry. You need to pay bills. That's just a fact. Don't pay bills and you are homeless or at least without power, water, and food.

Set a boundry. I will not be with someone who cannot handle finances. Or just take him off the checking account. I talked my dad into doing that when my step mom was spending every dime on opiates. I watched her forage his signature on a check for $200. Making her think I'd keep that from him. Went straight to him and had a heart to heart. I am a clean addict. I get it. But you cannot afford to support that habit. Then don't.

Maybe, I cannot be with someone who spends all our money and doesn't get help.

I am not sure how exactly to set this boundry. Apparently I am not the great with boundries. All I know is letting that go unchecked is not good. I have seen that go unchecked with my dad and it was super bad!

We don't have a joint account. But there are bills he's supposed to give me money to pay that he's not because he "doesn't have it right now." But he doesn't have it because he's spending it at the bar and he's stopped picking up overtime and isn't even working all of his regular hours any more. I could quit paying those bills, but he needs his phone to receive his work schedule and communication from his boss, and he needs his vehicle to get to work. Plus, the loan for the vehicle is in my name.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but he needs his phone to receive his work schedule and communication from his boss, and he needs his vehicle to get to work. Plus, the loan for the vehicle is in my name.

He's a big boy. He can pay them himself. If he's not giving you the money he is supposed to then deduct what he's supposed to pay you in those bills. Whatever it adds up to, don't pay that amount in his bills. We'll see how fast he has the money when his phone gets turned off and his car is about to get repo'd. Why should you have to pay those bills for him when he is not keeping his arrangements?

What I'd do anyway.

 

[Mytime]

You do have a lot going on. I know it’s hard to just sit and watch. You can only control you and your actions.

He feels like everyone he's ever cared about has abandoned him.

This^^^ is his feelings and until he goes to therapy and works them out, nothing you say or do will change them. No matter how much we love someone, we can’t make them better.

I could quit paying those bills, but he needs his phone to receive his work schedule and communication from his boss,

He’s responsible for him own actions, if he doesn’t have the money, he doesn’t have a phone. If there’s no consequences to his actions and your bailing him out, why would he have to change his behaviour.

the loan for the vehicle is in my name.

This one is a little harder, but it still comes down to. If he’s not paying for it he doesn’t get it. See about taking your name off the loan and he’ll have to find someone else to put on it.
I understand it’s hard, but PTSD doesn’t give you the right for bad behaviour. Setting your boundaries is about you and your needs. What you will put up with and what you won’t. You have to look out for yourself and financially too.

It's hard to sit back and watch him destroy everything we've worked so hard to build.

That is hard and I’m sure it pisses you off. In order for you two to get back there, it takes two people to do so. If he has acknowledged his behaviour, it’s up to him to change it.

You are going through a lot right now and the best thing you can do is look after yourself. I know it may sound selfish, but trust me it’s not. The healthier you are, the better you can support someone else. Supporting someone isn’t fixing them. It’s letting them fix themselves. I truly hope he did start therapy today. Therapy is also great for us supporters too. Sending a hug ? if you accept.

 

[Deanna]

I'll give you a hug, too. He's fallen into drinking and needs help, but doesn't want to lose his concealed carry. This isn't going to change until he does something, um, stupid. Everyone here is telling you to watch your back. It's not uncommon to drink or do drugs without medication. I drank for 5 to 6 years and was in AA for years. I was unmedicated for decades. Meds really help me.. But anyway ( enough about me) he's on a destructive path where he's going to lose his job, anyway. Sounds like!

You can't constantly be on his side if everything else is diminished. I remember when I had that kind of will power, ( still do) and while its remarkable, its not doing anything for you at this point. You need to recognize this.

We are here for you! ( I am also a supporter as well as a sufferer)

 

[Freida]

sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can start the climb back up. It sounds like he is getting pretty close to that point - which must be horrible to watch. But it will only change if HE wants it to. You have to hold your boundaries so he doesn't drag you down with him - because you can't help him on the way down. We need our supporters on the way back up -- when things are really hard,

yep - it gets harder on the way back up. But HE has to decide when that will be. If he refuses to make that choice? Then he has made his choice. Which means you have to react accordingly -- and keep yourself safe and sane.