Self Destruction And Guilt Concerning Drug Use In Relationship

[Tosca]

Hey Everyone,

I first joined this forum about 6 months ago, I said my hellos and that was about all. Now I'm starting to realise that if I don't open up to people in similar circumstances, then I'm alone....and when you're alone with this wretched disease.... well it doesn't bare thinking about.

I hope it's ok for me to post my current worries here, please excuse me if I have posted under the wrong title.

I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago. To add to the mental party, I also suffer from chronic anxiety disorder, Self defeating personality disorder, and (Apparently) borderline personalty disorder.

I don't think I really need to tell my life story here. In a nutshell, my main issues stem from several different incidents of sexual abuse.

I'm a gay woman. I've been with my partner for 4 years. I'm 26 years old and she is 36 years old. She's the most compassionate partner I could ever wish for. She knows my whole history, and is miraculously unfazed by it all.

For the past twelve years I've had counseling, psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, numerous psychiatrists, every kind of pill on the market. You name it, I've done it. Trazodone helped with flashbacks and sleep, sertraline was awful, citalopram was pointless, lithium made me numb, valium made me sleep- a lot., Zyprexa was wonderful, yet for all the wrong reasons. yada yada yada.

So here's my problem. I'm no stranger to recreational drugs, but I'm not stupid about them either. I recently saw a TV show which researched the benefits of MDMA on ex-service men and women who suffered from PTSD. It showed that at a certain dose and a certain purity, yes, it did indeed combat not only the symptoms, but the affected areas of the brain where PTSD begins.

Now, I've never been a fan of ecstasy as a recreational drug, nor have a found it to be beneficial in 'calming' my PTSD. What I genuinely do find to be not only a help, but the closest think which I personally have ever come to a 'cure' is Ketamine.

One tiny bump and I feel like a 'normal' human. No anxiety, no flashbacks, a great nights sleep. Sound's too good to be true right? Well that's exactly what my girlfriend thinks.

Because Ketamine is illegal, I can't get a prescription from my shrink, I can't walk into a pharmacy and buy it off of the shelf, it has a stigma of being an illegal substance.

After all the prescriptions, therapy, etc had all failed, I turned to alcohol. It worked for a while, until I woke up one day and thought "I'd rather have one day of trauma than every day of feeling this shitty."

So I totally understand that after my previous abuse of alcohol, my girlfriend is going to be concerned about my consumption of illegal narcotics. I'm being 100% honest, I've tried EVERYTHING. I'm still having therapy, I always will. Unfortunately my therapist is in no way allowed to promote or encourage illegal substances.

I guess I'm just scared that my girlfriend will see me as a loser or an addict, just because this particular chemical is outlawed. Even though I was previously ingesting 6 different 'prescription pills'. Somehow it seems she'd rather me do that.

I guess what I'm asking is a couple questions-

1. Is there anyone out there who's partner has an issue with the drugs you take?
2. Has anyone had any experience with Ketamine regarding PTSD? Whether positive or negative?

Sorry for the long essay type post, and thank you for reading.

Tosca x

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Tosca,

It looks like you had some issues when you posted this thread the first time. It's okay though, I fixed it by deleting your first thread. In the future if something like that happens or you need to correct anything, please press the 'report' button at the bottom of your post so a staff member can correct the problem. Or if you need help using the forum please contact us under the 'help desk' forum.

Also, I edited the title for more clarification.

I don't really have any advice with your questions but I do wish you the best in your relationship.

Best wishes,

Ayesha

 

[DMerish]

Hi Tosca,

I have not had any experience with Ketamine.

I've been trying to get a sense of how to respond to your post. I'm sorry nothing is coming up in me with regards to your specific questions. For whatever it's worth, the only thing that keeps circling my mind is that I know being honest with myself and with others is very important for me. That not being honest interferes with my journey of healing and having genuine and lasting relationships.

 

[CVC]

Personally, I have no experience with ketamine. But, a friend of mine was recently telling me about research showing promise for ketamine in the treatment of PTSD. I just did a quick google, and found this article:

http://articles.courant.com/2012-06...1_ptsd-debilitating-anxiety-disorder-ketamine

And here is another:

Link Removed

Sounds like you might be onto something?

 

[nursenurse]

How about looking into participating in a drug trial if possible? You'd be donating your body to science in a way, and hopefully you would get the help that you need, a win-win situation.

Ketamine is not illegal, but can only be used in certain situations and requires careful monitoring. It has not been approved for situations like yours yet, and by buying it illegally you risk having all the problems associated with street drugs. I worry that by using recreational drugs period, and alcohol, you have issues that are not being adequately addressed by your therapist, and that ketamine would just add to that. What was the original intent of buying ketamine in the first place? You did not mention looking into the literature, so I am thinking it was to get high, to escape, to dissociate. That is a problem on its own. In an uncontrolled setting, you are quite possibly setting yourself up for disaster.

This may sound a little harsh, but if you are worried about your girlfriend thinking you are an addict, it is probably because you are already thinking that of yourself. It is quite possible you already are, just an opinion, nothing more, just going by what you have written.

I wish you much peace on your journey, it is a tough road.