Self Diagnosed PTSD At 45

[softmonkey]

I was severely punished with a belt for minor infractions that stopped for unknown reasons at age 3. I was subjected to severe emotional abuse from then on by a bipolar father who never received treatment (because he did not want to have to deal with the side effects of lithium) and emotional neglect from an unavailable mother. My brother, who I believe was a misdiagnosed bipolar, shot himself in the head when he was 19 and I was 14. I thought he was going to get me out of my hell. He was the only one of them I loved. I’ve had suicidal thoughts starting at 9, and those increased in intensity and frequency after my brother’s suicide. I never got any help when I was young, never had friends, did not know how to deal with anything, became extremely promiscuous at 16 in an attempt to get some human contact but it only made things worse. I still have not been able to form normal relationships with people. I tried to get help for years from psychiatrists and therapists, but they were worse than useless. I talked about what I had been through and just relived it and they didn’t help me. I take Wellbutrin for the depression.

Feeling confused triggers me, because it was extremely confusing to me as a child when my father would scream at me and I could not understand what was going on, and I had to learn how he wanted me to respond but it never made sense. I am quick to feel like I’m being attacked. I’ve been suspecting the PTSD for a while now, but what really cinched it was when my husband and I were arguing and he got angry and yelled and moved toward me slightly and I completely flipped out and started shrieking uncontrollably. I took me right back. The other triggers are smaller and I feel I can deal with them, and just have to avoid that one, I don’t know I’ll ever be able to handle that one. I also have chronic back problems, and I read that is something that’s not uncommon, for these issues to manifest physically. I still have suicidal feelings, and I sometimes hurt myself when I’m upset, cutting, scratching, hitting myself in the head with something. That is mainly when I’m having problems with my husband. I want to stay with him, and have great fears of abandonment, when those fears are triggered strongly is when I hurt myself. I depend on him emotionally and financially. I need to be able to have a healthy relationship. I’ve been with him 25 years, and he comes from an abusive background as well, and was incapable of a healthy relationship himself for a long time. He’s much better now and is able to have a healthy relationship, but I am not yet. I would try to get help but I just don’t believe I could find a therapist who could help me. I’ve been through too many of them. I think there may be one in existence that could help, but my chances of finding them are slim to none. They would be slightly higher if I had plenty of money, but I have a very bad opinion of the profession at this point. Still I would like to know if there are any treatments or coping mechanisms that might be helpful to me.

 

[kers]

Hi, welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are struggling and have had such trouble with mental health treatment in the past. That must be discouraging. Self-diagnosis is a tricky thing, however, because many of the elements of PTSD are also reflected in other mental health disorders. This is why most on the forum strongly suggest getting a formal psychiatric evaluation and diagnosis.

There are a lot of great resources here and information about effective coping techniques. I think you'll find the forum very useful in that regard, as I have!

 

[James B.]

Hello And Welcome To The Forum

Hello softmonkey, I can so very well relate to much of what you wrote. Helping yourself on a DIY basis is very doable.The information here is your friend. In my experience, there were times the grief catharsis felt bottomless, but it does get better and so will you. :thumbs-up Take care and thanks for joining us.

James B.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum....

Self diagnosis is never the right way to go. You could have an array of different diagnosis, and in order to get proper treatment, you need a proper diagnosis....... We strongly encourage this.....

You seem committed to not seeing a therapist. Why???? Why all of the self doubt that one could help you???? Isn't that their job?? Isn't that what they are there for??? I find that your attitude is strongly on the negative side, and to begin your journey to healing, you need to be a bit more positive, and taking a more active role in seeking out the help, instead of not seeking it. This isn't an easy journey, and you need a huge support system in place, and a lot of outside help... You may want to rethink this through....

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello and welcome to the forum. There is plenty to read here and lots of people who will be able to relate to you. Hopefully as you read, you will realise that a professional diagnosis, and professional help will be of great benefit to you.

All the best,
CB

 

[TheRob]

I'm new to this forum as well. I also believe in using a professional diagnosis in order to get the help you truly need. In my experience the knowledge of mental health pro's vary. I found the easiest way to work through who is good for me is to simply ask them what their background is. This worked for me when I asked a counselor what his back ground was and it was through the Government Revenue Agency. With my 20 yrs of seeing crap in the Army I realized quickly this guy woudn't be good for me, and he agreed.

I hope you find the proper help for demons and keep the shiney side up.
TR