Self-harm, self-loathing, anger

[intrasearching]

I seem to have some emotional regulation issues. I don't self harm, but lately I've been having more and more urges to beat my face/head with my fists.

I am depressed often, always alone in my bed, not showering, not cleaning up after myself.

I have constant anxious thoughts, intrusive fears. I fear my partner will cheat on me and have intrusive thoughts of that constantly.

I feel extremely guilty/ashamed of myself. In fact I hate myself and believe I am a bad person.

I fantasize about suicide, though I've never tried and doubt I ever will.

I do not handle stress well at all. Money issues cause me to become enraged, with a wish to beat myself in the face.

I have misplaced anger towards my girlfriend, though I don't express it in the raw form. Instead I tell her that I have misplaced anger towards her and then go on to tell her how that means I am a horrible person and I am sorry because she's perfect and it's all my fault and she should leave me before I ruin her life because I'm bad and dangerous, etc. I've never hurt her or anyone physically but I have this belief that I am bad and that I am a liability to others. I go on to continue these cycling conversations of negativity, complaining to her about how horrid I am, how vile, and how she should leave me.

Is this just PTSD? My therapist says I have PTSD and I finally convinced him to agree that I have OCD. But he says I do not have borderline personality disorder, even though I often feel so tumultuous and shameful inside that I assume there must be something much more serious than PTSD and OCD.

What the hell is wrong with me?

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

Nothing? I wouldn't know, but I am the same way often. I had my perfect plans for suicide, but I wouldn't actually do it. I knew I couldn't, how could I? But I hate myself. The one guy I like doesn't like me back, so how could anyone else? I'm always mad, I don't treat my siblings right... I can understand, I think.

Just yesterday I was reading an old weight loss book I have, and now that I was healthy I was curious about re-taking their quizzes. Everything had different and better answers except for the self esteem quiz which I flunked... I'm sorry you're having such trouble... All I can say is to trust God? As I have. He sees the value in myself that I do not see.

 

[intrasearching]

@SuperAnxietyGirl I think it would benefit to have faith in the process of life, that's for sure.

I think I get this way when I don't eat right, too. I noticed that all I really had today was candy and coffee. My brain was freaking out. I had so much cycling shame, anxiety, and anger. I just now ate an apple and some salami and I already feel more calm, but still worried that I'm going to lose control again.

It's weird... When I go out into the world I am polite, I appear happy and easygoing, etc. But when I come home to be alone things have a tendency to fall apart. I like being alone but if I let myself, I can get into this really dark place with lots of hatred and anxiety.

I keep searching for a label, I'm not sure why. I try to fit myself into borderline, avoidant personality disorder, and others. I think it stems from both shame and anxiety. I am afraid something is "wrong" with me, and I hate myself so much that I assume something has to be "wrong" with me...

It's such a horrible cycle. I just want to have some peace.

 

[ill]

Both PTSD and OCD are pretty darn serious. And there are some mental health professionals who believe that BPD is actually a form of PTSD. Also, the way that you describe and constrast yourself with your girlfriend sounds like black and white thinking - she's all good, you're all bad. She's perfect, you're the worst. Truthfully, no matter how great she is, she isn't perfect, and no matter how much you're struggling, you're not all bad. Constant anxious thoughts and fears could definitely be triggered by PTSD - how can you trust/have good things?

The beginning of your post reminded me so much of some of my symptoms at the worst of it. Usually when I've wanted to beat the crap out of myself, it was because I was overloaded with stress and my needs weren't being met. I just read your second post - it's awesome that you realize your symptoms get worse when you don't eat food that's right for you. Do you think you could practice even just making sure to give your body the food it needs? Do you do things that take care of and nourish you, that make you feel good?

I also relate to the self-loathing and the feeling like a bad person but I bet that you're not nearly as awful as you think you are, even if you've done things you regret. And if the worst was true and you were a terrible person, you could still change. I also think it's really common and unfortunately normal for people who were victims of abuse, perhaps especially child abuse, to experience these kind of feelings but I'm really sorry that you do.

 

[intrasearching]

@ill

Do you have PTSD/BPD, or both?

I certainly do engage in black and white thinking when I reach that overwhelmed state. I don't believe it, and I have the insight to recognize that my girlfriend and I both possess many gradients of "good" and "bad," in the actions we take that validate/harm the other, etc. She is busy/preoccupied and that triggers me because I was adopted and thus have abandonment scars. She isn't neglecting me, but she can't provide the emotional attention that I would ideally want from a significant other.

I have my negative and positive actions as well, namely in how I dump things on her, but also respect her and try hard to let her know I appreciate her and that I don't blame her.

It's when I lose myself that I allow the black and white thinking to fuel my self-hate and anxiety. Thankfully those moments don't happen every day, or even every week. It's more like a couple times a month at most.

And lately I haven't been undertaking many health-affirming actions. I kind of relinquished my control to the desires of my "laziness" and thus have not been as healthy as I could possibly be.

For some reason I can't let go of this obsession with mental illness and labeling. I've been seeing my therapist since 2010 and I've told him everything. He says I don't have borderline but ... things like the black and white thinking and lots else really make me worry.

 

[ill]

Oh, sorry, the black and white thinking is part of PTSD, which I have too.

I can understand wanting an explanation, and to understand what's going on, but what makes you feel like PTSD isn't the right label for you?

I feel you on the being overwhelmed part. When I'm in that place, even when I know I'm in that place and can understand it, I can't always do the work to overcome it because I'm already overwhelmed. It fudging sucks.

I don't even mean health-affirming actions so much as life-affirming ones. Sometimes when I'm stressed and full of self-loathing, even doing something like listening to music I love or watching something I like or just taking a soothing bath can help restore a little bit of goodness to my life. For the worst year of my life, I think I spent most of my spare moments reading manga online. It's small, it's silly, but it brought me happiness and that matters, maybe especially when you're being overwhelmed by sadness and pain. Is there anything like that, that brings you joy and gladness, that you could work on actively incorporating into your routine? Some little bit of happiness you can inject into your day like medicine? I think this can be a really hard thing to do, since shame, self-loathing, do I deserve it?, etc, but it's a form of self-care that can help.

What emotional attention do you want/need but not receive?

 

[intrasearching]

@ill

I guess I just am doubtful by nature and I assume the worst of many things. Also, going through the symptoms of personality disorders, I see that I have many of them (though I seem to lack the distinguishing characteristics). Complex PTSD, while it isn't an official diagnosis, serves to illuminate a common cluster of symptoms possessed by many trauma victims, which happen to overlap with symptoms of personality disorders. So I guess it should be clear to me that that is what's going on, and not something worse... When I reach that state of high anxiety I search for something external to confirm that the worst really is happening/is true.

Thankfully I don't usually get how I was earlier. Since I had lots of EMDR I've been less volatile. Every day is still full of suffering, but it's mostly confined to anxious thoughts and sometimes some shame/anger. But I guess the explosion I had a few hours ago was really just because I had a big sugar crash... That state aggravates underlying tendencies and makes me think I'm completely messed up/crazy.

And I guess another thing that makes me question the comprehensiveness of a PTSD diagnosis (for me) is that I only infrequently have flashbacks. I certainly have triggers (like my abusive adoptive mom) that make me feel bad when I come in contact with them, but my experience is not punctuated by frustration with things that concretely happened in the past. Rather I am more often tripped up by fears of what will/may happen, how bad of a person I am, etc.

I just feel like my inability to trust people and my constant negative self-perception and anxiety have to be more than OCD and PTSD, and I think I feel that way because I do not have a stigma in mind regarding OCD and PTSD. Other disorders like borderline, bipolar, etc. carry nasty stigmas and since I have so much shame I assume that I must possess those stigmatized complexes that others are made to feel ashamed of.

Does that make sense..?

It's really horrible how certain illnesses are so stigmatized. It causes so much harm to many people.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Intrasearching

I'm replying because I recently married a wonderful man and he has a lot of the behaviours, thoughts and feelings you express in your postings here. He has a clinical diagnosis of Bipolar Mood Disorder and Complex PTSD, but the past 7 months of living with him, have made me search for more answers as to how he is. And I cannot help but think he fits most of the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. And his childhood was a very abusive and invalidating one, plus he has a very sensitive, introspective temperament. I am sure a mixture of this lead to his personality developing along the lines of BPD.

You sound like you have put a lot of thought into what troubles you, and you appear to have a lot of self-knowledge and insight into yourself and the desire to seek out better psychological health for yourself. This is half the battle already won!

My heart really goes out to you and all those dealing with such troubling, and self-defeating thoughts, feelings and behaviours. To live in a state of constant anger, hopelessness, guilt, sadness, shame, suffering, insecurity and fear is not what life is meant to be all about. I hope you find good help in order to overcome all of this and release yourself from the burden of what ails you over time and learn healthier ways to cope. I truly believe it is possible to make changes over time, step by step, to create a life for oneself that is more worth living.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd be zeroing in on the compulsion/obsession about labeling yourself. I went to a seminar once and we did an exercise with post its. Where we wrote down all our "labels" that we could think of about ourselves. Quite illuminating.

Anthony has a really solid article here about thinking patterns. Reading through, I think it would be a helpful read for you: Unhelpful Thinking Styles

I think it is wise to acknowledge the tendency to aim misplaced anger at your girlfriend and to be concerned about the ramifications of continuing this pattern of behavior. Habitually continuing the cycle can change the dynamic of the relationship in ways that are damaging to you both.

 

[bell]

@intrasearching, um, PTSD is pretty bad. So, be satisfied that you have something "bad!" As to what's "worse," what really is a "worse" diagnosis? What does that mean to you? What is worse than PTSD and what does that mean if you have it?

As for not having flashbacks all the time, you don't have to have them all the time to have PTSD. I have it and I only get them a few times a year (well, now, at least). And, I would bet that some people with PTSD don't get them at all. While there are a cluster of symptoms for PTSD, rarely do people have them all, just some.

And as for your bad spell, can you let yourself see that it was a case of not eating right? And then eat right and see if/when it happens again?

And yes, illnesses are stigmatized, but it sounds like the way that you personally are stigmatizing them is causing you more harm than good. All illnesses suck, there is no "worse" diagnosis when it comes to mental health, just el sucko across the board.

 

[The Albatross]

"just el sucko across the board" made me smile and laugh a bit in spite of myself. Yeah, ain't that the truth?

The thing about labeling ourselves is that we "think" it clarifies things for us, but most often I have found it to be detrimental.

 

[macca]

Hey there. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering right now. I too have wondered (and for me, feared) that I might have BPD. I had a lot of invalidation growing up, and that sounds BPD, along with self-harm tendencies. I only get flashbacks during bad "outbreak" type episodes, but in these I also get a lot of other PTSD symptoms; but my T says I am not BPD, but PTSD. As others have said, PTSD does not necessarily entail lots of flashbacks. Intrusive memories and nightmares are symptoms of a similar type. My T has explained to me that traumatic reactions can be known by the immediate reaction to trigger - putting us in flight or fight. So for example, one of my triggers is someone being angry at me, so I'll usually desperately try to escape them (flight), or if I can't, to get angry back and attack (fight). That said, I agree with what others here have said - what meaning do these labels have to you? Asking yourself why you are fixated on them is probably useful.

As for the urges to beat yourself in the head, well unfortunately I can really relate to that. During this episode, the worst I've had, I've ended up repeatedly punching myself in the head hard enough to cause concussion on several occasions, I hated myself so much and was so very overwhelmed. I've managed to stop the last few weeks, with lots of help from my T. The three things that helped the most with that, along with gradually working on trauma, was I) reducing my overloaded stress - the more stress I was under, the more likely I'd crack; II) gradually realising that I am/was not faulty, that things happened to me not because I deserved them, but because of many other factors (like my parents' mental health, etc); and III) she taught me "mindfulness of emotions". What that is sounds really weird, but it is starting to work for me.

I'll try and describe it - try and look inward and locate an emotion. It doesn't matter if you don't know what it is straight away. Just find a feeling and work out where in your body it seems to be. How big does it seem to be. Then, to imagine if you could give it a shape, then a colour, what temperature, what texture, how heavy, is it moving etc. Then to breathe in and put a layer of air around it, make room for it but kind of separate it from yourself. I'm pretty sure I'm not doing it justice here - but with practise this is starting to work for me. I had been very afraid of my intense emotions, and punching myself was a way to try to prevent myself from having them, among other things. But my T has said - emotions themselves, however unpleasant, cannot actually hurt us, they are just hormonal/chemical responses of our bodies. If we let ourselves have them, they will pass. They do pass, however painful they are in the moment.

I hope you find some peace.