Self injury - my secret monster. is it yours?

[EveHarrington]

Professionals will say the same thing, that SI is a choice and you can choose to not hurt yourself. This is the same as binging/purging, restricting, drinking, drugging, you name it. If you didn't have a choice then the concept of recovery would be false because why try to stop something when it's not your choice? Nobody would recover. We all know this isn't true. People CHOOSE to not engage in these activities and slowly they heal.

You're ultimately choosing to harm yourself to make yourself feel better. You have the power to choose differently.

 

[Lotis]

Self-harm, the way we tend to think about it (and the way the OP is referring to it) is generally a hidden behavior; the individual goes to great lengths to keep it hidden, and they experience shame as a result of the harming.

I go to great lengths to hide my cuts although I cut myself so deep I always have scars which I can never completely hide. Makeup can only help so much.

I've done both. I was a parasuicidal cutter for awhile in high school;

I can relate to this. It ultimately led to hospitalization because my school found out and mistakenly thought I was trying to kill myself.

(so I thought - it's become really challenging to keep them covered in the summer).

Yes a real challenge. I dreaded summer for a very long time. I had a few horrid moments when someone would ask me "what the hell happened to your arm?! " After some trial and error little things helped to cover the wounds up, thick bracelets or a bunch of bracelets. Cutting in places no one could see because they are never revealed.

What made me stop? Coming to an understanding that it was never going to be enough.

Oh I know it will never be enough and that ultimately I'd have to slice my entire body. When I was in therapy the SI was less terrible because I had support. I need to find a good therapist again.

Here's a link to my own plan, and a related thread - Redirecting Self Harm It worked for me specifically because it

Thank you and I did read your post. I never tried the cold shower but I might now.

Also, think more about what you might really be trying to accomplish when you cut. Is it endorphins? Is it punishment? On some level, are you escalating towards wanting to be called out on it? (That's not uncommon, and don't judge yourself for it). Are you ever thinking that it's a way of 'practicing' suicide? How much is about dealing with the wound after - what kind of energy do you put into that, and what might be driving it?

For me it's punishment all the time. Never do I want to be called out on it because I'm too ashamed about it. I'd never want that. Also, I never deal with the wound, I mean I do not intentionally let it get infected but I do not treat it at all. For me the cutting is to abuse myself, there is a great deal of self hate towards my body. There is allot of rage and sometimes I don't remember the cutting at all.
Thank you for such an in depth reply.
L

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For me it's punishment all the time.

Me too. What helped me was to look at what i am punishing over, and then work on that, not cutting less and less or need it less and less as i work on what im punishing it for.

Hope thats not a riddle lol.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Self harm was part of my life for a long time. I started when I was five, and the last time I did it was when I was 27. I've been free of it for six years now. But it is still tempting, especially when there is a lot of dissociation happening. It's so hard to resist sometimes. I try to take it just one day at a time. I used to take it just five minutes at a time - i.e. "I can cut in five minutes. Just five minutes to wait." And then when the five minutes was up, I would say again, "Just five more minutes." Now I'm at days - "Just one more day." Having that end-point helps me calm down, and stops the dissociation, and lets me stay free.

 

[joeylittle]

What helped me was to look at what i am punishing over, and then work on that, not cutting less and less

I've been the opposite. Working on what I'm punishing over is still in-process, but I needed to be responsible and force myself to stop. Hence, aggressive calming tactics. I think everyone's probably different.

For me the cutting is to abuse myself, there is a great deal of self hate towards my body. There is allot of rage

I hear you, big-time. I believe that's why you should go ahead and just stop. By continuing, you're only reinforcing negative core beliefs. Figure out the most aggressive intervention tool, and commit to using it. You are in a good place to stop, in that you have a very solid grasp on what is driving the impulse. And intellectually, you can understand that cutting yourself isn't actually accomplishing anything. Taking out your hate on yourself doesn't result in anything. It's a brief distraction that leaves you feeling worse, now, after you do it. Yes? You can stop. I promise, you can.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've been the opposite. Working on what I'm punishing over is still in-process, but I needed to be responsible and force myself to stop. Hence, aggressive calming tactics. I think everyone's probably different.

The more I tried to force myself to stop, the worse Id cut and the more Id cut and the deeper.

Everyone saying "just stop" and id try very hard and the more i failed and the more frustrated with myself, the more Id cut to then, in return, punish myself for failing.

My therapist to date hasnt asked me to stop but always asked me why did i think i cut and we worked on that which then lead to not needing it less and less until i didnt need it at all.

Just my personal experience. Each are different.

 

[Lotis]

I used to take it just five minutes at a time - i.e. "I can cut in five minutes. Just five minutes to wait." And then when the five minutes was up, I would say again, "Just five more minutes." Now I'm at days - "Just one more day." Having that end-point helps me calm down, and stops the dissociation, and lets me stay free.

That really takes self control and is a good approach for many other examples where you may feel like acting on an impulse. I could see this working for situations where I am IN control however sometimes I am not and that is where the SI goes to a whole other level. I am glad this has worked for you. Thank you for sharing.
~L

 

[Lotis]

Figure out the most aggressive intervention tool, and commit to using it.

Hmmm I wonder what that would be for me right now.

ou are in a good place to stop, in that you have a very solid grasp on what is driving the impulse. And intellectually, you can understand that cutting yourself isn't actually accomplishing anything.

Yes for me the driving force has always been self hatred - sever intense hate towards myself. EVERYTHING is my fault - intellectually I know it can't all be my fault but it always comes back to it being all on my shoulders. I also know that cutting doesn't accomplish allot; I wouldn't say it doesn't accomplish anything because it does. If it didn't why would we do it? I have a love hate relationship with it. Does that make any sense?
And this may sound completely out there so if it does just tell me I am nuts please :O_o: but I love it because it is mine and it is my body I am hurting no one else is able to hurt me but ME. It is a part of me. There is this weird sense of having control over my body when for years I was invaded and my body betrayed me.

I hate it because it is an ugly secret a by product of what was done to me. It is exhausting and causes negative feelings afterwards like shame and despair. Then having to deal with the aftermath; hiding the wounds feeling the pain. Love and Hate.

Taking out your hate on yourself doesn't result in anything. It's a brief distraction that leaves you feeling worse, now, after you do it. Yes? You can stop. I promise, you can.

@joeylittle YES. You are right a brief distraction that leaves me feeling empty, hurt and alienated. I wish I had your faith in that I can say one day I will stop. I've been saying that for years.
Thank you

~L

 

[kona355]

Yes for me the driving force has always been self hatred

May I share about my experience with this? Self-hatred drove my suicidal thinking for years. To change this mindset of hate I had to begin to focus on the intellectual truth that I wasn't the bad person I felt I was.

In the beginning of thinking differently about myself it felt like hypocrisy and I asked myself many times "Who am I fooling?" and nothing seemed to change.

But with my T's encouragement to continue to bombard my negative feelings with positive thoughts, slowly change did occur. Though I still struggle with depression at times, I can manage it with guarding my thoughts; letting them rest on the good in me.

intellectually I know it can't all be my fault

Are you willing to think good thoughts about yourself? Are you willing to focus on this intellectual truth you've acknowledged about yourself and allow change to take place, in time? If not now, when?

For years I circled in my thoughts of hopelessness. I felt helpless to change. I guess this comes from our quick-relief society - to take a pill and feel better, but we remain stuck with fighting the symptoms, all the while the cause (toxic thinking) goes unchallenged and we remain in painful chains.

You can stop. I promise, you can.

This is the hard part for me... all change begins with an act of the will. We decide to make the commitment to become better, then must take the steps whatever they may be. joeylittle says you can change and I know this is true from experience. She may agree that it is a tough struggle to work through this process, very tough.

However, in the long run, what is more difficult: remaining in the endless cycle of pain driven behavior, or daring to believe in your goodness - the fact you are worth the effort - and go after the root causes of self-injury?

My hope and prayer is you will join the ranks of many on this site who have found relief, however small, by believing in your value and worth as a person deserving healing. (This is a good place to practice resisting those negative feelings about yourself, if they just came to mind.)

 

[Lotis]

@kona355 Thank you for your post.

May I share about my experience with this? Self-hatred drove my suicidal thinking for years. To change this mindset of hate I had to begin to focus on the intellectual truth that I wasn't the bad person I felt I was.

If I may ask what kind of good things did you say to yourself?

But with my T's encouragement

Still working on finding one BUT my past therapists always focused on trying to stop the SI by using other behaviors and not focusing on my thought process.

Are you willing to think good thoughts about yourself? Are you willing to focus on this intellectual truth you've acknowledged about yourself and allow change to take place, in time? If not now, when?

Well, yes I am willing however I don't believe it. I know I am a good person - I don't harm others, I am caring and have genuine concern for others but when it comes to the abuse and then ME, my body and my mind those good thoughts all falls to pieces.

My hope and prayer is you will join the ranks of many on this site who have found relief, however small, by believing in your value and worth as a person deserving healing. (This is a good place to practice resisting those negative feelings about yourself, if they just came to mind.)

This is a beautiful sentiment. I hope so too.

~L

 

[kona355]

@Link Removed
I'll have to follow up tomorrow, Sat, in the afternoon.

 

[Draiocht]

I've been self harming since I was 11. I'm 26 now and it doesn't rule me anymore, but sometimes I have relapses when I'm really distressed. For me it's all about control; over my anger, or when I feel trapped. Sometimes as a punishment. This is probably not such a great thing to admit but mainly I stopped because I couldn't hide it anymore (long term partner). Also my family think I'm all better now (I'm in therapy and on medication :tup:).

However, one thing that really helped was the attitude of one of my current therapists, M. I had a relapse early this year and I was brave enough to admit it in a session and explain what had caused me to spiral out (job-related). Once they had established the damage was superficial (taking my word for it, rather than demanding to see it like my partner did), M looked at me and said "I'm sorry about the job", utterly sincere. All anyone else has ever done is reprimand me for doing it, or ask why (and no answer ever satisfies someone who has never SI'd), get angry or upset. But M saw I was hurting badly and he was genuinely saddened. He heard me, acknowledged me. That was huge for me. I nearly burst into tears right there.