Self isolating, writhing in depression, out of work, running out of resiliance

[ground crew]

I am multiply traumatized by a wide variety of incidents from early childhood to fairly recent and I am getting old... So pretty traumatized. Stuff just keeps getting me. I got a a new job after a layoff without missing a day of work. So that was good. The layoff was because I failed to jail at the temp to perm job I had, a function of my conditions. So I started a new job the following monday. And the boss put me into a stress mode immediately. A highly critical and highly excitable type a personality, I run into this personality a lot and I go defensive cause these are characteristics of my prime abuser. So my performance faltered. And he kept coming up from behind in an agitated state which put me into active defense mode. It was a temp to perm thing so I mentioned it to my contract house, perhaps too urgently, I got canned.

but even before that, I am self isolating, not going out, not seeking company. distracting myself with tv. I make it to the gym... I am not thriving... and it just got worse.

My resiliance has been praised in the past. But I am not so sure how long that is going to last. I mean 50+ years of resilience is a lot, how much more do I get?

And I am told the back pain from one of my traumas is permanent. So, I get to be old, poor and hobbled with increasing pain. For the rest of my life. Hard to find the happy today.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way- it sure sounds like you have been through a lot! Are you by any chance in t?

 

[ground crew]

Well yes, but it is the VA, kind of hit and miss on effectiveness.... And she has not replied to the email sent over the weekend.

I went to a secular sunday thing (Sunday Assembly) but had an anxiety attack and bugged out about 5 min in. I can make it to work if I have work but I cant stand to be in crowds for a number of reasons all having to do with safety. The week before I went to a large UU congregation, same thing.

I have had so much therapy, and the time investment all during work hours combined with the rather random nature of usefullness makes me wonder if there is a good reason to go, assuming I have a job.

 

[Deadman]

before that, I am self isolating, not going out, not seeking company. distracting myself with tv. I make it to the gym... I am not thriving

I hear that. I'm struggling with the same. I don't have advice. I just keep hoping that if I keep fighting things will eventually get better.