Self Mutilation

[Hlost]

Ahhhh, thank you CB, I call it SI, Self Injury, just different terminology.

 

[fairydust]

Self Injury has been a major issue for me throughout my life, particularly in my teen years following my disclosure of sexual abuse and the aftermath that ensued.

What suprised me the most has been that in the past six weeks since the "numbness" that has surrounded my feelings has lifted somewhat the self injury has returned with a vengence, almost daily. It is not serious, in terms of the actual injury, as I would hate to have to seek medical treatment for it (I would just hate the attention), however it is really disturbing me that it is the only way that I seem to be able to express the extreme emotions that I am experiencing.

It is a little disheartening to have spent the previous twelve months in therapy in an attempt to experience the abuse on an emotional level, have a realistic view of the extent of the abuse and its impact on my life, and to be now feeling this distressed. I have a wonderful therapist who has guided me to a point where I understand the gravity of what has happened to me and I now trust to assist me to develop alternative coping skills, however the slowness of the process and the negative experiences that I have had with any medications to date is getting me down.

Feeling very negative at the moment so maybe shouldn't be posting as I haven't really been able to tell my story or contribute much to other conversations?

 

[cherryblossom]

Don't worry about how much or how little you contribute to other conversations. No-one expects anything, from anyone. Engage only when you are well enough to do so. I'm sure I wrote about self injury somewhere on this forum, but I can't find it right now - sorry!

But google it - there are loads of websites out there that give sound advice about SI/SH, about alternative 'coping' strategies. There is work you can do for yourself, you don't have to rely on your therapist for everything. Get pro-active. Your therapist can't solve all your problems quickly. Perhaps see if there are any SI/SH groups in your area. Getting in touch with local people who have similar issues might help.

 

[fairydust]

Thanks for the advice CB. I did initially look at some of the Sh / Si forums but didn't join because the membership appeared to be much younger than I am and at a completely different stage of life. Also I am more focussed on the reasons for my self harming than in talking about the self harm itself.

In terms of local groups, I live in a small country town in Australia and the nearest main centre is quite small. I also work in the human services industry and there is a great deal of stigma still attached to this issue as you would be aware. I am trying many things at home to reduce the self harming, however have just hit a rocky patch I guess along the way. I think I am also becoming much more aware of the fact that an hour a week in therapy will take a long time to get me better, so I am trying to be proactive in terms of exercise, artwork and joining this form has been a major step for me.

At the moment I am just viewing the self harm as a symptom to work through in the over all damage that the sexual abuse has caused me. There are many other issues that stem from the abuse that I have experienced, which is why I thought that this forum may be of assistance.

Is it okay to post about this subject on this forum or is it considered too triggering to other members? I am still trying to get my head around the rules.

 

[cherryblossom]

Thanks for the advice CB. I did initially look at some of the Sh / Si forums but didn't join because the membership appeared to be much younger than I am and at a completely different stage of life.

- Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you join a forum, more look at the advice some websites offer about alternatives to self harm. But now I imagine that you have already looked into all that. I do understand SH (having done it myself), but I just want and wish for survivors to find a less destructive way to cope. (Not because I judge, just because I care). Sorry I haven't been much help.

Is it okay to post about this subject on this forum or is it considered too triggering to other members? I am still trying to get my head around the rules.

There are absolutely no rules with regard to 'triggering posts'. Two words are automatically censored here - the f word, f*ck, and the c word, c*nt. Other than that, everything else is allowed here. I would actively encourage anyone to write about their trauma, using whatever words they are comfortable with. There is absolutely no need to put 'trigger warnings' in posts. What might trigger me, won't trigger someone else. It is absolutely impossible to pre-determine what might trigger someone. As such members are responsible with regards to what they choose to read. If any member is 'triggered' by what they read - they should stop reading and deal with their own issues. Simple. You are not responsible for other members.

It's good to hear you are being pro-active in your recovery. You may not feel it - but I see lots of positives in what you have posted :D

 

[Hlost]

Self Injury has been a major issue for me throughout my life, particularly in my teen years following my disclosure of sexual abuse and the aftermath that ensued.

What suprised me the most has been that in the past six weeks since the "numbness" that has surrounded my feelings has lifted somewhat the self injury has returned with a vengence, almost daily. It is not serious, in terms of the actual injury, as I would hate to have to seek medical treatment for it (I would just hate the attention), however it is really disturbing me that it is the only way that I seem to be able to express the extreme emotions that I am experiencing.

It is a little disheartening to have spent the previous twelve months in therapy in an attempt to experience the abuse on an emotional level, have a realistic view of the extent of the abuse and its impact on my life, and to be now feeling this distressed. I have a wonderful therapist who has guided me to a point where I understand the gravity of what has happened to me and I now trust to assist me to develop alternative coping skills, however the slowness of the process and the negative experiences that I have had with any medications to date is getting me down.

Feeling very negative at the moment so maybe shouldn't be posting as I haven't really been able to tell my story or contribute much to other conversations?

Don't feel alone in this Fairydust, I had found the same was true for me. I was rather shocked when it happened, in fact that it came back with a serious vengeance. I was so disappointed in myself, what I didn't understand at the time was it that it was a sign of the PTSD, though the drs caught it.

I ended up making my own contract stating I would not hurt myself anymore (this after extremely serious thought) because I had been hurt enough and I don't need to be hurt anymore. I dated it and I signed it in front of my husband, giving it to him. It was very difficult to do but I did it. I've had some slips but all in all not nearly as bad.

It sounds like you are on track and have recognized it for what it is, that is very very good. Don't beat yourself up for it. Keep on track.

Sending you peace.
Hlost

 

[WonderingWhy]

Hlost,

That idea of the contract was a great idea!!!:thumbsup::applause:

 

[Leona]

If I had to do a contract about not hurting myself, I'd probably break the contract, then beat myself up for not being able to keep the contract!! That's just how I'm wired. When I was first diagnosed with ptsd and started therapy, my skin picking got worse. The funny thing is, it almost all but disappeared when I left the dysfunctional marriage I was in. For me (and that doesn't mean it's this way for everyone), it's a way of claiming control over my own body, my own life. Even though it's destructive. Though I hated the scars I made, I was very fond of actually doing it to myself. I felt like I was rebelling against every man who ever made me feel like I was just there for their viewing/fondling pleasure. It was like, "take this....F you, I'll make myself ugly".

 

[fairydust]

I think that the contract is a very good idea. I just think that I need to have healthier replacement behaviours first and they need to be ones that actually reduce the anxiety. For me it is not about marking my body, I do everything that I can to cause just enough pain that I can reduce the anxiety without leaving marks that I can't explain away. In particular I have been avoiding cutting as I would hate to have to get medical attention for it. I just couldn't stand the attention.

For me I think that I do it for two reasons. The first being that when I was being sexually abused my abuser only ever stopped (orgasmed) when he had caused me to be in extreme pain. This means that the only way I seem to be able to stop the extremely anxious feelings that I have at the moment is to cause physical pain to myself. the second reason being that I feel like I am punishing my body for betraying me and responding to the sexual abuse that I received from the other abuser in the couple that abused me.

Obviously I am aware that both of the above are due to faulty thought patterns that I have. Particularly the second issue as I was 9 years old when this first started to occur, I wasn't old enough to give consent to anything occurring and I didn't understand what was happening to my body. It still doesn't seem to change the drive to feel the pain though.:confused:

 

[WonderingWhy]

Have you considered doing things that are painful but cause no harm, until you work through your need for pain? I have seen in some posts the suggestion of holding ice cubes, pinching. At the moment I can't recall other suggestions. If I do I think of others I will post them.

I am so sorry for what you were put through. You are strong and amazing for just surviving. I wish you peace and try to be gentle to yourself. You truly deserve to be free of this pain and hurt.:hug:

 

[fairydust]

Hot showers and leg waxing are two things that have worked for me at times!

 

[WonderingWhy]

:scream:Waxing, yes I know that pain. I never thought I participated in SH? I guess I was wrong!:lmao: