Self Sabotage?

[Lainey]

I don't understand it. It's like my mind won't allow me to be happy. I don't mean that I'm depressed either. Well I am, but that's not what I mean. It seems like when my life is going good I throw a wrench in it so to speak. I bought a "new" car today and paid my insurance up for 6 months. What did this result in? Happiness? No, Flashbacks of my childhood and anxiety. I think I'm having emotion flashbacks, but I can't be sure. Does anyone understand this any better than me? Or maybe I just sound crazy?...

 

[Spiderallis]

I can understand that, you're not alone. It's hard to trace down where these things come from, but writing helped me find the wrong ideas that lead to wanting to mess things up. I feel like I don't deserve those good things. That's why I sabotage them, it agrees with my wrong idea that I shouldn't have nice things in life. Is it that you don't think you deserve that car? I think you should have a nice and safe car that you like to drive. Maybe it's the idea of being protected with six months worth of insurance. I can't guess what's behind it, but it's hard to trace these things to their roots. Being aware of it is a great start.

 

[maelstrom]

No it doesn't sound crazy at all. I'm the same. I self harm whenever I feel happy, and when something good happens I try my best to put myself down and rain on my own paradise. I'm scared of happiness because it makes me feel really guilty and insecure. This is the hardest part of my depression (I don't think it is ptsd related in my case), and it is something that even therapy doesn't help much with. I hope there's a way to cure us both...Maybe talk to your therapist about it? If it's related to your trauma then there might be ways to overcome this feeling.

 

[intothelight]

Lainey,

What you are feeling could be hyper-vigilance, the stress from a good stressor (buying a new car is a huge decision) or even a combination. Sometimes when I am feeling an emotional response that I do not believe is appropriate to the situation, I try to write down those feelings and then identify why I am having them.

Just to see things written down can help me put things back into perspective. It's not easy, but it gets better with practice. Also looks for patterns in your emotions and the thoughts behind them. Sometimes those are great issues to bring up with a T.

Wishing you the best and I do hope you enjoy your new car in the next few days.

Deb

 

[Lainey]

I never thought about hyper-vigilance before. It really does fit though... I thought for sure if I paid my insurance up for a while it would slow the worry... I was wrong...

 

[Lainey]

I can understand that, you're not alone. It's hard to trace down where these things come from, but writing helped me find the wrong ideas that lead to wanting to mess things up.

I think you're right. I think i'm going to start writing. I'm still scared certain people might read it, but I'll look for a "safe" way for me, maybe a place where I feel comfortable.

maelstrom, thanks for the support. It feels easier knowing I'm not alone.

Deb, Thanks for the help. Seriously. =)