Selfish versus Assertive

[OceanSpray]

What’s the actual difference? Is there a difference between being selfish and being assertive? How do you say no to things without it being a selfish action on your part?

 

[Sideways]

How do you say no to things without it being a selfish action on your part?

Assertiveness to me is being respectful that there are two equal people in the conversation, both of whom have needs. I can’t necessarily say Yes, but I can say No in a way that is respectful of the person I’m turning down, and communicating in a way that reflects that.

 

[deno]

Being selfish is about disregarding others to serve only yourself. Being assertive is about honoring your own needs while respecting others. I’m not saying no to you, I’m saying yes to me. For a long time, I thought saying no meant I was selfish, even unlovable. I was raised in a family where any act of self-assertion was labeled as “difficult” or “wrong.” So I bent myself into all kinds of shapes trying to be agreeable, trying to earn respect, trying not to be discarded. But here’s what I finally came to understand...saying no doesn’t mean I’m selfish. It means I’m finally listening to myself. It means I’ve stopped trying to survive by pleasing people who never had my best interest in mind. Being assertive is honoring who you are without explanation and guilt. It took me years to get to a place where I could set boundaries without needing to justify them. And truthfully, the people who benefited from me having no boundaries were the ones who called me selfish when I finally did.

 

[arfie]

by the time i came of age in the early 70's, "selfish" was one of those concepts which confused me so mightily i had to dump it, altogether. it was a beloved phrase among my parents, siblings, teachers, janes, johns, etc., with such a diverse array of meanings that i felt unqualified to even define the word, far less the concept.

assertiveness is assertiveness, whether selfishly motivated or not. i can even be assertive when i am dead wrong.

 

[Teasel]

Maybe the positive side of being selfish is being assertive?

Like not all selfishness is unhealthy?

 

[PlainJane]

Check out What IS Selfish… anyways? How do YOU define selfish? What does it mean to you?, I thought it was a good hash out of the definition. I think it's a good place to start to try to distinguish the difference between selfish and assertive. A lot of us struggle with putting our needs in the right priority order. I know one of my brain's favorite distortions is that it's selfish to put me first. BUT, I always encourage my friends and colleagues to do exactly that. Silly circles.

Anyway, establish what selfish actually is then decide if you would call what you need as selfish or if it is self care. If it helps put a loved one in the same position and ask the same.

 

[deno]

The answer - Yes. 100% yes. It took me a long time to learn this, but not all selfishness is bad. Some of it is necessary for survival. Especially if you come from trauma, where your needs were ignored, minimized, or punished, any time you speak up for yourself can feel selfish, even when it’s just healthy assertiveness. I used to think putting myself first meant I was hurting others. Now I know that honoring my boundaries and needs doesn’t make me a bad person — it makes me a person with self-respect. There’s a line between selfishness that disregards others and self-care that includes you in the equation.

And honestly, if you’ve been through abuse or have CPTSD… odds are, you’re not the kind of person who needs to worry about being “too selfish.” You’ve probably been over-giving and under-receiving for a long time. So yes — the positive side of being selfish is learning to be assertive and learning that you matter too. You're allowed to take up space.

 

[OceanSpray]

Thank you all. I’ve taken some time to absorb what y’all have said and evaluate my own things and clearly I still have a lot of work to do in this area. I find it extremely hard to say no if something is within my capabilities (and sometimes even when I’m not as capable as I like to think I am), if I have to say no to something I feel immeasurably guilty and rude for having the audacity to do that.

I know with some people I do it with, there’s definitely a level of them really not caring about me and my needs and only have themselves in mind.

But there’s another set of people who we just don’t know each other like that. But they know I’ll always say yes to whatever and so they feel no qualms repeatedly asking for various favors and I don’t think they come from any kind of malicious or selfish place at all. More like they just don’t think about it. But then if I try to flip that around- I again feel an immense amount of guilt and anxiety when I’m the one who has to request a day off or something similar. It wears on me to have to ask someone to change their life in any way for me. But I have zero issues changing around my life for them any time they need it.

One of that set has caught on though and she has no reservations about being assertive and now shits getting weird because it’s almost like having a parent stepping in and trying to manage me and I don’t want that. I want her to just stay my equal friend and not stress about me and my schedule and things I agree to. But then another friend who does know me really well also spoke and up and kinda chastised me to say no more and so I’m taking them seriously.

But if I’m capable of something, why wouldn’t I say yes? If I said no to like someone needing a day off, I would not be able to just stay at home and not think about it. It would be on my mind the entire time and I would be stressed out worrying if they are okay and if they need me/something/help or if they are angry and is this going to change any dynamics and what if I later need something cause I don’t ask unless I absolutely need it so obviously I don’t want someone saying no and always saying yes makes them more likely to say yes so it’s really just manipulation and selfishness on my part.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

for me it’s assertiveness VS aggression (or being mean). they are different but very difficult to differentiate when everything you to do self-advocate or push against someone feels mean.

I view selfishness as only looking out for yourself and looking for the most advantageous path for yourself all the time, even at the expense of others. Looking after yourself and ensuring you can stay functional isn’t selfish, you need to be well as you can to be happy in yourself and also help the people you love, not running yourself into the ground. boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy but aren’t inherently selfish.

 

[anthony]

What’s the actual difference?

Assertive is not in yes or no, it is self-confidence. Selfish is you feeling good when not considering others.

You can be selfish when asserting yourself.

What I am reading above, is some mixed stuff IMO. Asserting yourself is about knowing, understanding and doing for yourself when you need it. Sometimes, that can mean being selfish, but mostly it is about whether you have considered the other persons feelings, view, etc. If you have, and the answer is still you first, no longer selfish.

I think there is a fine line, more often than not, between many emotions and attributes.

Assertiveness says, “I matter, and so do you.”
Selfishness says, “Only I matter.”

 

[anthony]

Great topic, by the way.

 

[deno]

Assertive is not in yes or no, it is self-confidence. Selfish is you feeling good when not considering others.

You can be selfish when asserting yourself.

What I am reading above, is some mixed stuff IMO. Asserting yourself is about knowing, understanding and doing for yourself when you need it. Sometimes, that can mean being selfish, but mostly it is about whether you have considered the other persons feelings, view, etc. If you have, and the answer is still you first, no longer selfish.

I think there is a fine line, more often than not, between many emotions and attributes.

Assertiveness says, “I matter, and so do you.”
Selfishness says, “Only I matter.”

Your line—"Assertiveness says, 'I matter, and so do you.' Selfishness says, 'Only I matter.'"—nailed it. I appreciate the insight.