Selfish

[Sethe]

Lizio:

I'm so sorry you went through that emotional barrage of pain. The more I read your stuff, the more I realize that my experience really was 'that bad.' Lots of similarities. I'll leave it at that.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Sethe I've just started to read through your diary and yes I agree your experience really was 'that bad'

See, like you, I have a tendency to look at my story and say 'It's not that bad compared to other's stories' and I read some of your story and I do feel that yours was worse than mine, well the childhood bit (that is all I could get up to for the moment). I definitely can see the similarities, and I can well understand your pain and that helps me understand that my story and the associated pain and damage is also valid.

I used to be a programmer and breaking down the task into smaller bits is what programming is all about. And I am breaking down my story into smaller bits and each bit is a horrible painful bit. When you see just how many bits there are, how many horrible painful bits that add up to the complete story, over and over again, pain and horror and fear. Well it is no wonder that we ended up damaged.

How many horrible painful, fearful bits does it take to damage a small child? Not very many I suspect. Does not matter after that, once the damage is done it is done.

No point in me comparing whose story is worse, just that we were defenseless small children with child's eyes watching a horrible world engulf us and we were breathing in all that fear.

 

[IvyMillie]

It makes me sad how much suffering people have gone through. When things happen when we were young it does impact us in so many ways. I actually have most of my early childhood blacked out. In a way I think it's been a protection for me.

It's a valid point that no one can compare stories. Pain is pain. Sometimes, too you can think you're okay, but at some point in your life at whatever age it can resurface and manifest itself. Everyone copes with things so differently and we all just have to do our best to get through it.

I'm just glad that this forum allows people to express their pain and in some way that is healing. Even though we aren't all the same it helps that so many understand and offer empathy because they really do know what the pain has been like. It's not identical, but the underlying emotions are the same.

Everyone as a child has basic emotional needs such as; to be loved, to feel safe, and to be validated (as Oprah would say). When you don't get that, it messes you up. It's like needing food to eat, but instead as a child you were malnourished and went hungry. It was a need (not just a frivolous want) that wasn't met.

The damage can't be undone, only minimized, that's my experience anyway.

 

[Jacquie]

The guilt trip is used....to trip us up. The drama or their need, the terrible terrible event that has just happened to them (aka shoved in 'your face') and negates any needs you might have of your own by overshadowing them. ie makes you 'appear to be selfish in comparison' by not considering their needs and their poor little me acts (real or invented)

Know where it comes from? When you were a little little kid, probably before you have any actual memories, we get programmed. Just like a computer program.

Lets say the parent and his/her needs is the shape of a pineapple. You act like a banana. BAD BABY (harsh voice and no love). You act like an orange. BAD BABY. You do a grapefruit, a carrot, an parrot, an iguana, a .....a pineapple.

Suddenly there is a rush of love. Soft voice. Cuddles. And so 'being a pineapple' feels good. Brings the reward of love, as opposed to that bad feeling of love being withdrawn. Pineapple is good. Be pineapple.

But you see pineapple might not be who or what you are. But pineapple serves a 'need' of the parent or carer. We might not have started out as a pineapple, but we became a pineapple because they 'approved' and stopped withdrawing love.

Babies need love.

Throw out the pineapple. You are still seeking approval (subconsciously) to stop that denial of love. So that leaves you attracting to (drum roll) the same kind of people. The ones who need pineapples. And who will feel instinctively, approve, accept you. Like or want you. The comfort zone.

But it aint you. So when the pineapple need becomes obvious and too great....run. Run right into the next pineapple needer.

Try to consciously see who YOU are under all that pineapple. Write a list of the things YOU love, and bring them up in conversations around pineapple lovers. I think you'll find its the pineapple lovers who wont stick around. You dont 'fit' what they were looking for ;)

Good luck

 

[mamachick]

Kids get trapped into the guilt put on them by parents-I know I did. We can develop the ability to put the guilt upon ourselves without anyones help as a result. I have felt guilty for not being able to do something for someone without any complaints from them. At some point, we are the only ones that can solve this though. In the case that others are guilty us, we need to get away and stay away until we are healthy enough to see their manipulation and not react to it.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Pineapple is good. Be pineapple.

But you see pineapple might not be who or what you are. But pineapple serves a 'need' of the parent or carer. We might not have started out as a pineapple, but we became a pineapple because they 'approved' and stopped withdrawing love.

Throw out the pineapple. You are still seeking approval (subconsciously) to stop that denial of love. So that leaves you attracting to (drum roll) the same kind of people. The ones who need pineapples. And who will feel instinctively, approve, accept you. Like or want you. The comfort zone.

But it aint you. So when the pineapple need becomes obvious and too great....run. Run right into the next pineapple needer.

Such good points.

And I definitely ain't a pineapple! But I think my husband thinks I am.

Oh dear what a mess.