Relationship Separated But Still Supporting

[Unknown Person]

My wife and I have been "separated" for the past nearly 3 months and I really need some support on this one.

When I say "separated", I mean that we still live under the same roof and we still actually sleep together and still have sex together. The only major difference is that I am now our daughter's primary caretaker and we are both free to explore other relationships. This may sound a lot like an open marriage, but it is not. I do not wish to be in the situation that I am currently in and I have no desire to seek out other relations. The only reason we are still currently living together is by the fact that she doesn't have a job and we don't have the financial means to put her in a separate residence.

The decision to be separated came when we were deciding what we could do as she was extremely unhappy and attributed much of that to her current situation - locked down, married, suck as a stay-at-home mom, etc. And it was years in the making but she made the decision to make the separation official.

All of this has been hard, but the hardest part is the part where I am still there supporting her because she is on the verge of letting go and walking off the face of the earth even though she sleep with other men and has boyfriends. I want her to get help and I want her to be there for our daughter - I can't just walk away from all of this even though it hurts my heart beyond belief. I really don't know what to do. I get so mad at her now because of what she's doing but I still try to be her friend and "make it work" - whatever that really means.

I am worried because it's getting to the point where I don't really care what happens to her. And I know that, given the chance, she wouldn't be here anymore.

What can I do? How do I cope?

- U

 

[nursenurse]

It is no official separation if you guys are still having sex etc. Give me a break! She has her cake and she is eating it too. You need to demand some accountability from her and from yourself.

Stop sleeping with her period. You are open to every STD known to man. Why would you have sex with someone who has made it clear you are separated? Think with your head and not with the gonads. Your child did not sign up for this nonsense. It is time for your wife to grow up, PTSD or not, and you need to grow a back bone.

Seek out some sort of legal aid if you cannot afford lawyers. Find out your rights. She won't get help until she decides she needs it. She is holding you as an emotional hostage. If you have done any reading on PTSD, some folks need to hit rock bottom before they find their way up. She sounds like one of those. Get some counselling for yourself. I know it is rough.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! I hope you find some support here.

You do have choices in this, but only over your actions. You can choose to stop sleeping and having sex with her until she changes and sticks with only you. Otherwise it's not really a separation but is an open marriage or is you two cheating in the other guys or I don't know what, but it's clearly a bogus seperation. Stop making her desire for separation easy by letting her still be intimate with you. This may mean you have to make sacrifices and face more pain, but what is healthy is not always easy.

I could not imagine living in the circumstances you are. It would be so heartbreaking for me. Why do you stay when she is sleeping with other guys? Do you not feel you deserve better treatment? I'm not saying her actions are your fault but that you do have choices.

You may not be able to afford your current residence and another one, but I'm not sure you and your daughter can afford this emotionally. You both may need to find your own residences or at least your own sleeping places. Maybe one of you has to sleep on the couch?

Unless you change, I don't think you can expect anything else to change. At this point, it doesn't seem like she has much reason to change.

Sometimes the most loving and healthy thing you can do is let someone fall and hit rock bottom. It is very hard to do that, but being confronted with her own pain may be the only way she finally gets help for herself.

If by "walk off the face of the earth" you mean you fear she will be suicidal - you alone can't save her from that. She is already committing relationship suicide by dating so many men with a kid and a not divorced husband at home. If she is in a place to take her life then you need to tell authorities who can have her hospitalized. If she is not,then you need to let go of trying to protect her from her own pain and establish your boundaries - that would give this relationship and her the best chance of improvement and recovery.

Do you have PTSD? Does she have PTSD? Regardless, I would highly recommend counseling for yourself too. It doesn't mean you are bad. It means you live in very difficult situation and anyone in your shoes would naturally need support.