Set A Boundary And It Went Well

[Kefira]

So I'm a people pleaser, and I always take on too much or do things based on what other people want and not what is best for me. I'm currently really stressed partially due to trauma anniversaries and partially due to a move. A friend who I would very much like to be close to asked me if I would be interested in doing something for her. Some of the people I know are holding an event and one of the things that's going to happen is a dating game style contest for laughs. She wanted to know if I would participate. I was definitely uncomfortable with the idea but I wasn't sure how to decline because she seemed so thrilled at the idea. I managed to ask for more specific info about what would be expected and a little time to think. So at least I was able to sort of redirect the conversation.

She emailed me some info today, along with hopes that we can hang out soon. I told her I'd love to make plans to get together, but that I wasn't comfortable being that in the spotlight like that, especially when I'm so new to the area and have a lot on my plate. Thankfully she got back to me and seemed okay with it, we're still going to set some social plans.

Do any of you have good strategies for declining things gracefully? I'm really glad she wasn't upset and I know I can't control how other people react to me needing to do what's best for me, but I'm just wondering what has been successful for other people.

 

[Deleted member 29311]

@Kefira Where you say ''I'm a people pleaser'' that resonated strongly with me. I used to be like that.. It's very destructive (to your mind, yourself). Don't be afraid to stand your ground.. People will respect you if you respect yourself. Those who don't can go eat shit.

Honestly you did the right thing by explaining the way you feel. I believe it's important and ok to push your boundaries and comfort levels a bit at times. Although, you don't want to push yourself so much to the point that you have a meltdown and have an anxiety attack or an angry outburst.

As for tips on how to gracefully decline, I'm usually just honest and straight up like you were, event though sometimes you don't have to go as far as to explain yourself. I just say ''I've actually got plans'' or if it's last minute I say ''I've been exhausted these days, I need a night to myself it's nothing personal.'' The important part here, is that right after I always offer another specific day that could work and we figure it out from there.

And again, in my honest opinion you should stop giving so much of a shit what people think. If someone cares they will understand you.

Take care.

 

[Kefira]

And again, in my honest opinion you should stop giving so much of a shit what people think. If someone cares they will understand you.

I've actually gotten a whole lot better. I think it's more that I'm trying to build up a social network and I'm trying to learn ways to hopefully not distance people while still putting my needs first. I admire people with social graces- there's a difference between being too accommodating/putting yourself out for the potential benefit of others and making an effort not to offend when there's a better option.

Seriously, there needs to be an Emily Post guide for people with trauma. I keep thinking it, but everything from dealing with disclosure to dealing with having to change plans or decline invitations due to personal needs that may not be seen as standard. There really should be a guidebook. Generally it seems like just erring on the side of giving very basic reasons seems to work. I like the thought of always making a point to attempt to reschedule- at least it shows you do want to, just can't then.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I know for me, just being honest was what works best. Not the kind of honest that says.."Oh, I'd love to help you but I haven't slept 4 days and when I do I have horrifying nightmares. All I really want to do is punch something and then cry for hours and I think I may be going insane. My apologies." But the kind of honest that says "I'm going through a lot of shit right now and I just need some time and space to sort myself out." There's nothing wrong with that. Good for you for setting boundries, though! I too am a people pleaser and I know how easy it is to overload your plate. In the end, though, it really just hinders your recovery and adds a lot of unnecessary pressure during a very vulnerable time. Good Luck! :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know I run away and hide!

A lot of shame and guilt set in because I beat myself up for not being able to be the social butterfly. Its a vicious cycle.

 

[Kefira]

"Oh, I'd love to help you but I haven't slept 4 days and when I do I have horrifying nightmares. All I really want to do is punch something and then cry for hours and I think I may be going insane. My apologies."

Haha- you obviously know my struggle ;)

Like, obviously I can't just totally unload on everybody. But it also seems like a serious cop out when I say something so understated as "I've been busy and I'm tired" instead of "I've felt like I'm dying for weeks and I just can't be around people right now without stabbing someone".

 

[InvisibleSun]

@Kefira No kidding! All too well..I look at it this way though,, at the end of the day..you don't owe anybody an explanation for for needing time to take care of yourself. Everybody needs some time to get their shit together at some point in their life..and I mean everybody.. and you are no different. Those that truly care about you will understand.

 

[Chava]

I decline gracefully over and over to the point nobody asks me to help or be involved anymore. So, I regret that. Mainly just following. I'd like to do a better job at saying "yes" sometimes (used to say yes to everything and of course that doesn't work well). Now I've dropped off the face of the earth. But if it's something like a lunch date, just offer another date so they know you care.

Good work setting a boundary, and glad it worked out well for you. :tup:

 

[Kefira]

I decline gracefully over and over to the point nobody asks me to help or be involved anymore.

This is what happened the last place I lived. So I'm very much hoping to find some sort of balance.

 

[Beech]

I am the same! I struggle to say no. Recently I have been a lot more assertive - especially when it comes to work (my hardest area to say no to). I actually took inspiration from my hair dresser - he's very good, very confident and basically said to me 'no I don't do stuff like that, this is my style. If you want a different style I reccomend a different colleague'.
Saying no is a sign of confidence and assertiveness to me, so I am striving to say no to things my clients want me to do - but is not 'what I do'. Especially if they are not paying me extra!