Severe flashback event during medical procedure

[amblafo35]

It was horrible and humiliating. During a cervical biopsy today I came completely unhinged. I was barely holding myself together during the days leading up to the procedure...so I guess the eventual outburst shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. But, I haven't had an event this severe in years it seems like. I was told I was going to need to have the procedure done about two weeks ago. At first, I tried completely avoiding the situation. This should have been my first red flag indicating my PTSD was not as under control as I had thought, but I told myself I was just overwhelmed by the recent onslaught of medical appointments.
When I finally confronted the issue a week ago and made the appointment for today, I immediately started ramping up fear and anxiety. It got so bad that last night I wasn't able to sleep at all and I spent hours googling all the possible cancers they could find in the biopsy.
By this morning, I was basically insane. I was completely depersonalized/derealized as I acted like a completely different person getting the kids ready and off to school.
During the car trip to the doctor's office, I began crying and didn't stop...for the rest of the day up until a couple hours ago.
When the doctor called me back and tried to discuss things with me, I cycled through avoidance, passive aggressive communication, and blame seeking behavior before I was finally coaxed into getting on the table.
I started out trying to do my best to distract myself as the doctor inserted the tools to begin the process but I failed quickly and epically. She informed me she was about to perform the actual biopsy and hit my breaking point.
It happened so fast and I felt like I was somewhere else entirely, in grave danger, and I responded as if that were the reality. I tried to physically escape the stirrups and table while she still had a sharp instrument inside of my body. I was bawling and screaming over and over thing like "stop hurting me. Why are you hurting me" and "stop! Please! Get away from me! Don't touch me!"
Eventually, I was in the fetal position crying and apologizing.
That sweet doctor did everything right. She knew I had a history of PTSD and she did everything she could to try to prevent trauma symptoms and then to diffuse the melt down but clearly it wasn't her lucky day...or mine for that matter.

I'm so embarrassed. I thought I was doing so much better. Now I feel like I'll never go to the gynecologist again. In fact, I'm determined not to. I feel like a crazy person.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Gs172003]

It was horrible and humiliating. During a cervical biopsy today I came completely unhinged. I was bar...

I'm sorry you went through that. Hugs

 

[Swift]

I'm sorry you went through that too.
You're not crazy, and it wasn't a crazy reaction.
I'm impressed that you even went there, that you tried to do the procedure, that you got through most of it. That is massive.
It's no wonder you had an episode. Really. It doesn't mean you're doing badly, or that you've backslid or anything. It just means the procedure was incredibly triggering. It makes my hands shake even thinking about.
Last time I tried to go to a gyno, I threw up in the poor doctor's pot plant, if it makes you feel any better. I didnt even have to have an examination, let alone a procedure, and even that was too much. That was embarrassing. At least it was fake. They were really sweet about it.
A couple of days later I wrote an email thanking them for their kindness and offering to pay for the pot plant. It just felt like something I could do to address my embarrassment and reassure them that they didn't do anything wrong, just a bad day.
Once again, you did a really really brave, big thing.

 

[EveHarrington]

You were very brave!

Maybe next time your doc can prescribe you a benzo like Xanax to help you through the procedure?

Hugs.

 

[amblafo35]

I'm sorry you went through that too.
You're not crazy, and it wasn't a crazy reaction.
I'm impressed that...

Thank you so much. You actually made me feel better and I was beginning to think nothing would make me feel remotely OK tonight. I guess one reason I didn't consider it such a massively good job on my part is that I have had the same incredibly sweet, impossibly patient, genuinely compassionate and caring MALE obgyn for the past ten years. It was terrifying seeing him at first and I blew off multiple appointments until pregnancy forced me to go see what I considered "the devil I know that's better than the devils I don't" so to speak. Over time....lots of time...we developed a good rapport and a trusting, effective professional relationship. He has developed a fairly fool proof technique in regards to handling my traumatic tendencies. BUT....he wasn't available today. Surprise new lady. She was just as good and just as kind but she was a stranger to me.

But, you are right. I should give myself a little more grace. Maybe it will make me feel even a little bit better to write a letter like you did. Thank you :)

You were very brave!

Maybe next time your doc can prescribe you a benzo like Xanax to help you t...

Yeah, I was seriously wondering why they couldn't have figured out a way to do like twilight sedation or something. I am already prescribed Ativan three times a day for my anxiety and I had taken it before the appointment but it just didn't do enough to stop the crazy train from chugging.

 

[Swift]

Whoa okay so not even your regular doctor with whom there was some establishment of trust? And a surprise?
Holy sh*t. I would've run for the hills. Massively well done.
And yeah I totally reckon your PTSD was made worse by that.
One thing I tell myself when my PTSD acts up is that my brain has trained itself to keep me safe. If it starts on the trauma train, it's damn well going to get to its station.
My reactions aren't normal because what happened to me was (thankfully) not normal, which helps with the omg-what-sort-of-person-freaks-out-like-that kinda feeling.
I kind of think of it like a naughty parrot that swears in company, whose first owner taught it to say the C word at grandma. Only after it's happened though, the reactions are so overwhelming at the time.
Glad I helped a bit. You're doing an amazing job.

 

[Freida]

I totally agree with @Swift I would have bolted - probably half naked in the gown running down the hallways.

My reactions aren't normal because what happened to me was (thankfully) not normal, which helps with the omg-what-sort-of-person-freaks-out-like-that kinda feeling.

This ^^^^ is completely true. Normal people with normal lives don't freak out because they don't have a reason too. Us? We have memories and reactions because of what we have lived through. And most doctors understand that. I freaked out on a doc once and it made her cry. It took me a long time to understand why. She was upset by the thought that I had lived through something that would leave me with such horrible reactions to simple medical procedures.

I think you were incredibly brave....

 

[amblafo35]

Whoa okay so not even your regular doctor with whom there was some establishment of trust? And a surprise...

Lol parrots cursing has always tickled my funny bone. I also like to watch the videos of people's pet cockatoos dancing around while they fan out that headdress of feathers they have on top.

 

[Swift]

Yeah. One managed to get on Alexa (amazon) the other day and order it's owner a whole bunch of stuff... pet shaming makes me laugh my head off. It's my 80yo nan's fav thing on the internet lol

 

[amblafo35]

I totally agree with @Swift I would have bolted - probably half naked in the gown r...

Awww, thanks. Well, I suppose I should go ahead and give in and tell myself it was brave. Give myself a little compassion. It just makes me feel so....weak....to not be able to handle a procedure that multiple women have to have multiple times in their lives and apparently the majority of them feel no pain. I call BS on that one, though

Yeah. One managed to get on Alexa (amazon) the other day and order it's owner a whole bunch of stuff... p...

Omg, I wish I had an 80 year old in my life whom I could call Nan and watch funny bird videos with

 

[Still Standing]

I totally relate to you! I, too, acted out while with a doctor. I had no clue that I was about to act like a little girl about to be attacked. He simply told me he wanted to inject my shoulder to see if the swelling could be reduced because of a shoulder injury. Immediately, I started crying and tried to defend myself from him coming any closer to me. My hands were up in a defensive position and I was instantly hysterical. It was also embarrassing and humiliating. At the same time, I could see the shock and incredulous look in his face, as he looked at me. Neither of us knew what to do. I was able to calm down enough for the injection but was terribly shook up inside. I went right home and made an appointment with a psychologist. I already knew that I had a problem with needles being stuck in my feet and my back from medical procedures and my pain doc graciously just puts me to sleep if he needs to work on me, but I had no idea that my shoulder was also an off-limits part of my body. Since counseling I now know that I have PTSD from childhood abuse and too many medical traumas and procedures. I would suggest that the next time you are to have a procedure, you ask if they can arrange for you to have your procedure done in a surgical suite where they can administer a light type of anesthesia that keeps you unaware until the procedure is over. It is more time consuming for the doc but it is so much easier for me. Now that he knows that I have a diagnosis of PTSD (C-PTSD, actually), he is even more willing to put me to sleep. I hope you are able to do this next time.

 

[littleoc]

Awww, thanks. Well, I suppose I should go ahead and give in and tell myself it was brave. Give myself...

I have gotten well enough to be able to allow a gynecologist visit, though I go as rarely as physically possible.

I was a child when we first met, about 14. So she was able to build a relationship with me. I haven't seen her in years, but she's still my primary gyn, which is nice.

I was able to handle my last pap well, which was great because that was at the end of my 8-month-long period that showed no signs of stopping -- I was anemic and needed help, and realized I couldn't just wait it out anymore. They would barely take my blood at all.

EMDR helped me a ton, and I'd been doing years of it by the time I was doing that (seeing the doctor). Same problem at the dentist, but I also now am able to go without fear. It took a lot of effort and practice. EMDR, and thinking of when I had to care for animals, how afraid they were when I just wanted to help. That's how I deal with it. It helps!

I've had an emergency surprise surgery that I couldn't be knocked out for because of the urgency, and right before I found that out construction workers bust into the room next to mine, causing a dissociation and making my service dog kick out the doctors momentarily. I was absolutely terrified beyond thinking, but I managed to cooperate by reminding myself again and again that they were trying to help me, and I didn't need the panic response to be directed at them. They numbed it as best they could, for that reason! It wasn't just another experiment!

So, yeah, you were doing the right thing by trying. You needed to try to learn what your reaction is, and to figure that this even needed addressing. You knew it made you anxious, but you didn't realize THIS yet. And yes, show yourself compassion!! You did great, going when you WERE wanting to avoid it. That's huge!

The next step is to change your thoughts when relating to the hospital room, and to be sure to address this in therapy. You can make goals around this -- I know from experience that it's possible to be able to do these things without as much trouble one day!

And for the record, I think the outcome was good, even with all your stress. You're doing great :)