Sex and ptsd

[somerandomguy]

I hate this topic so much, and I struggle with it so much, that I guess I just have to make a thread about it.

Why does sex suck so much with PTSD?

That's a very flippant question, but I don't think I see anyone here who is happy with their sex lives. For a lot (most?) of us it's because our traumas are sexual in nature (abuse, assault, CSA, etc.) but my understanding is that PTSD frequently causes sexual dysfunction no matter what the trauma issue is.

Vent, share, ask questions here. Any success stories are also very welcome. Of course, please be respectful of everyone's experiences, orientation, and gender.

 

[scarfacegrace]

24 yo female here.
I have had a very odd relationship with sex since experiencing my trauma. I was in a relationship with someone who beat and raped me repeatedly while I was very ill... this was also my first experience with sex..so that probably f*cked me up a bit. After I got out of that relationship, I went a year without letting anyone even get close enough to breath on me. After that, I went the opposite direction- hyper sexual. I didn't like any non-sexual contact (hugs, shaking hands, etc), but I was extremely promiscuous. It was like a drug or distraction, idk. It wasn't numbing sex either, I felt a lot and got a lot out of it. But I was on a bad path.
I got into a solid (so I thought) relationship, and we were a passionate couple. it was great, I had never felt like that before and I never stepped out of the relationship. But he broke up with me and I later found out I was pregnant and miscarried. I gained about 60lbs after that. Since then I haven't even THOUGHT about sex.. its been almost 3 years..
The combination of trauma/ptsd, weight gain, and idk what has just made it seem impossible to even consider.

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with my performance and with sex in general. I mean, I guess I know why (sexual trauma, then retraumatization) but I don't want to be but I am.

I told my T that most people have a nice little compartment for sex in their lives. Like a shelf in a dresser. Not me, I have a whole Cadillac that I have to get inside that dresser. And when I ask my T what sex is like for normal people, she tells me that I am normal - normal for someone with trauma. Not very helpful.

When I was single, I could just try to ignore and forget about sex. But when I tried that after I got married, it irreparably damaged my relationship. Now I feel like sex is like juggling 100 balls at a time. I can sort of do it, but I'm terrible at it and most of them get dropped and no amount of practice is really going to improve anything.

 

[Friday]

I don't think I see anyone here who is happy with their sex lives.

An opposing view -

I’ve not simply been happy with my sex life, but have loved & adored my sex life.

Sure there have been some trauma related effects, & sometimes those effects have been ginormous, but never to the degree that I’ve been unhappy with my sex life. To the contrary, some of the effects I tend to enjoy to the hilt. Meanwhile the problematic effects are just that, problems to sort. And very worth sorting! :D Because sex is one of my all time favorite things. Similar, I suppose, to a runner with a broken ankle. They don’t hate running, or give up running, just because an injury has sidelined them for a bit. They treat the injury so they can get back to running. Because they love it. The problem the have isn’t with running itself, the problem they have is an injury.

The only time I’ve ever been unhappy with my sex life, is when I’ve been celibate :wtf: ie haven’t had a sex life. But that’s been caused by life choices / life stuff, rather than by trauma or dysfunction. Like the difference between taking the stairs, rather than the elevator, because it’s the healthier choice -vs- being afraid of the elevator.

 

[scarfacegrace]

An opposing view -

I’ve not simply been happy with my sex life, but have loved & adored my sex life....

Sooooooo many good words here! thank you for this perspective. Much needed

 

[Chitoshi]

I want to add that my trauma is sex related and I've come a long way to enjoying my sex life. Are there rough patches? Sure there are, but I think that's normal. It's more been rediscovering my new boundaries and what I am ok with and what I am no longer ok with. Having an understanding partner that allows me to have control over the whole experience has helped me immensely, too.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's more been rediscovering my new boundaries and what I am ok with and what I am no longer ok with.

How do you that without retraumatizing yourself? Or with a less than understanding partner?

 

[EveHarrington]

I was f*cked as a child.

I was taught I’m only good for sex.

It’s no wonder that I suck at relationships. Guys want sex until you are emotionless and f*ck like a guy. Then they suddenly want romance and shit. Whatevs.

 

[somerandomguy]

Guys want

Hmmm, we do? All of us?

 

[Abstract]

You are way ahead of me somerandomguy. You are bravely talking about, bravely attempting to address, bravely pushing against the trauma reactions. I do believe that enough careful educated bravery and support can lead to a lot of healing. How much is only discovered when we get to that place. I'm not even willing to go near the topic at present but who knows, maybe something will change at some point. At least I can post on this thread and say that without a big meltdown. Progress as pathetically little as it may be. I think you need to be way kinder to yourself.

Oh, and I am one person who is totally convinced of the lack of consistent relevance when it comes gender and it rather being about the people involved. Both those who perpetrate and those on the receiving end. So many other things are factors. Culture for one.

Discussing this in more depth is further than I can go but I will say that when I can't go near something I often find it of use to discuss the concepts of symbolism involved. " obsessed with my performance ..." Sure you have done this already but it may be useful looking at this and not leaving the trauma reaction aspect of this out but focusing past it. For the moment. What does it mean to you. What does it say about you. What is your value in a relationship. What is your value as a human being. What should it mean about you. What would it mean about someone else if it was someone you cared about.

Oh and I think it sucks so much for so many partly because it involves some sort of trust and another human being. Trust of self and others. And hypervigilance doesn't help. That is without obvious sexual trauma stuff of course. Betrayal, cruelty, confusion about relationships,developmental affects, absorbing the hate and aggression deposited onto us by others, undermining of self and physical integrity of our selves.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Hmmm. Sex. It sure is nice to hold a woman, even nicer if she's not dressed, but in the end it's always the same thing. Over and over and over again. In the end I find bullies far more often than allies. So now I'm like, if it weren't for hormones, there's be a bounty on their heads.

It's so hard to find love when if anything they think it's funny when they find out what happened to me. It's somehow ok to laugh at it. And I am expected to forgive.

I am lonely, but it's wearing off.

 

[Chitoshi]

How do you that without retraumatizing yourself? Or with a less than understanding partner?[/QUOTE...

I do want to say that I'm at a point in my therapy that I've talked to my therapist about sex with my partner (my partner knows I've talked with my therapist about it just not quite the content). I've talked with my therapist about coping strategies that work for me and how to recognize my warning signs. Not to say I haven't triggered myself during sex because I totally have, but I've been with the same partner since 2012 and we've been sexually active the entire time. It is so important that I trust him and for him to know what my most common "beginning trigger symptoms" look like. I'm not exactly sure the proper term but that's what I call them. I don't think I've experienced any major setbacks yet, but that's because my partner knows what my set-off symptoms look like, and when we hit a trigger we don't already know about, he stops or I tell him to and whatever he is doing and wherever we are in the act, he stops without question. Keep in mind though this is what works for me and where I'm at with therapy, and I've got almost 6 years of trust built up with my partner, who I've invited to therapy to talk with me through this. We've determined absolute control tends to mitigate the triggers and minimize the damage. We deal with the triggers as they happen and I go to therapy weekly and am encouraged to call my T if I'm ever upset to the point that I cannot self regulate or my partner can't help me regulate.

I really hope this helps/helped.

Please excuse inconsistencies and typos. I'm on mobile.