I wouldn't judge a trauma therapist badly because they make you feel safe and supported. That's an essential part of he first phase of trauma therapy and is very critical to establish a positive working therapeutic relationship before doing trauma work because it will be like walking through the fires of hell itself at times, and they will challenge the client, and without that history of a good positive safe connection with the therapist, most quit or the therapy deconstructs. So I'd be very careful about walking away simply because one feels "coddled" in the first few sessions.
I cant believe I'm a grown ass woman crying over a therapist when I have a healthy loving supportive network. I am so heartbroken over this. I had never shared any of this with anyone and I purged my soul to this person. I I told him things so graphic I was afraid it would kill him just hearing it. I feel both betrayed and rejected by him for some reason.
I would be more worried if you walked away from this therapist without any emotions at all. You poured out your heart to him.
You really do put some awfully harsh expectations on yourself if you really think that even as a grown woman you should not feel deeply about what is happening.
I actually went to a new therapist today to discuss what has been going on and he confirmed that my psychologist is terribly ill informed at best. God, a whole year I did this. Most of the time 2x week. I was spinning my wheels trying to get support from him when nearly every interaction was so triggering that I could hardly see straight on
It is very concerning how dissociated you have been in the sessions without any solid plan to address it. Most trained trauma therapists can easily pick up on when a client is dissociating even if the client doesn't realize it. you need a therapist with the right skill set to work through this transference and your ptsd symptoms and trauma history.
Your therapist is not only out of his depth sexually but also therapeutically. He simply doesn't have the experience or tools in treating trauma if he has been missing how much you are checking out and allowing it to go on and in without working on skill development so you and him can bring you out of it, long before you are seeking sex to take back your power.
No therapist should be engaging in talking about sex with a client when they are dissociated and vulnerable to exploitation and/or not understanding the conversation correctly. (But I believe you did understand him well.)
That kind of transference work should be done when grounded and present (or if doing the work with a specific "part" but that doesn't seem to be applicable in your case.)
He not only clearly has personal issues, he's completely out of his depth in treating trauma.
If you go back to him, you can expect more of the same completely clueless handing of traumatic transference and other trauma symptoms.
It's not like he is the only person you can work out these issues with. It's not the first time it has come up as you described delaying therapy because you were worried about having sec with them. Your transference is something you will indeed take with you and is something that will leave you and non-trauma trained therapists confused in the future in whatever new way it comes up.
You need someone who is experienced and trained in treating trauma and feels confident and can give a good plan and description as to how they work through transference with a client. You haven't described anything about this therapist that makes me believe he is able to handle these complex issues.
I don't myself have PTSD, no. I'm coming to this from the opposite end of the table, plus am in a relationship with PTSD sufferer. So, I'm by no means an expert, just my humble professional opinion here.
Professional? Let's review that professional qualification
Just to come all out, I am a psychiatrist, albeit NOT specialized in trauma treatment. I do, however, encounter patients who could be diagnosed with PTSD (symptomatic), yet whose treatment specifically entails an avoidance of trauma work. It just would not do them any good. The reasons for such would take too long to hash out here, but just as with any disorder, physical or mental, PTSD treatment cannot be painted with one brush.
You don't have PTSD so you have never done effective trauma therapy yourself, and you haven't been trained in it either. Most psychiatrist go through exactly zero to slim number of classes in how to do therapy, and pretty much nothing about trauma or traumatic transference. You are as about qualified as most of the posters here.
I had well meaning psychiatrists and general psychdynamic therapists nearly destroy me because they thought they understood PTSD and insight alone would cure me. Insight alone left me sucidial and extremely symptomatic, especially when it came to working out transference and other core issues that came up in the therapy room. They were absolutely wrong. Thankfully one of the therapists dragged me to a trauma trained therapist and my recovery was jumpstarted by leaps and bounds. Hardest thing I have ever done, and the best.
Trauma therapy, especially when it comes to working through trauma related transference, relies on a lot of corrective emotional experiences and habitual learning and exposure work (in various ways) and thought retraining and undoing trauma bonding and etc...
. I probably need that psychiatrist that's posting to medicate me as I'm now officially nuts wanting to flog my therapist. I'll start a new thread asking if it's normal to want to tie up and flog your T. LOL
There is nothing nuts about you and your relentless self judgement and critique of yourself is downright painful to read. My trained trauma therapist would respond by saying you are verbally perpetrating against yourself by being so very harsh. He would suggest you try a different way of treating yourself, like challenging your cognitive distortions that you have about yourself (and most trauma survivors struggle with), or even simply challenging these super negative thoughts with a neutral one.
Would you judge someone else in your shoes so harshly? Because there are others who have thought and felt many of the things you have, and they were not nuts either. I'm guessing you know that and wouldn't judge them... so don't be a hypocrite and hold yourself to a different standard.
This, this is GREAT! Some call it a "lightbulb moment", I call it self awareness. So that is AWESOME! Go you!
you are discovering a lot of great insights! I am impressed with your consistent process to sort out these issues - ones you have been running from facing for while. You have a ton of things to be proud about.
Insight is good, BUT insight alone doesn't always lead to change when it comes to PTSD. Don't get frustrated or hopeless if you return to old patterns. If insight alone worked, the recovery rates would be even higher and a lot shorter. Just look at how many "I know I should trust my therapist but..." posts there are...
You are on the right path, keep working at sorting this out and keep considering if this therapist really has the right tool set to help you sort through these issues that have been impacting you for so long.
