Sex With Therapist

[Tuvulo]

I just read this posting and wanted to chime in. I am a veteran of a few wars who suffers from PTSD. I am rated at 70% with the VA for it as well. I have other physical injuries from combat as well. I was seeing a therapist at the VA and it ended up in a sexual relationship with me and her. I am here to tell everyone first hand it is a BAD idea! we had a sexual relationship for over a year and I am just now realizing how much damage it has done to me. My depression had gotten worse, my anger is not any better at all. Things have gotten so bad that my young son had to go into therapy as a result of my growing depression and PTSD. I have told my wife everything. She is also a veteran and suffers a little bit of PTSD, and as a result of this, she is having a hard time. This is costing me more than I would have every thought. I am feeling guilty, used, abused, confused, angry, I don't trust anyone, I feel like I can't have a functional sexual relationship right now with anyone. I just feel so used!
It was hard to me to come out and tell anyone this, as I am supposed to be the tough guy, the hardened soldier, good looking and taking charge and care of everyone out there, and here I am being the one taking advantage of. it makes me feel week. I remember her telling me how we had to be secret about it so she wouldnt loose her license, and how she didnt want to loose her job at the VA. I remember her telling me so many things that now make sense about how she was looking out for herself in the end. I have just consulted legal advice and hopefully I am on the way to put this behind me in the future. But right now, I can tell anyone who thinks this might be cool or sexy or a real fantasy, don't do it! You WILL get hurt in the end. The toughest guy out there will not be strong enough to prevent this kind of pain. I have worked with some of the most special forces in the world, and yet I still could not see this coming. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Just my input on the original subject on this post.

 

[Toru]

Agreed with the above poster, whom is not a weak guy but it does shows the pull of it all. It is NOT a good idea. Been there done that twice and it is extremely damaging! It is how the theraputic relationship is uniquely formed that creates both the pull (erotic transference & counter transference) and the severe damage done to the patient. There isn't another relationship out there that is like the theraputic one. This is why therapists (trauma therapists at least, but therapists with good creditials, which is one of MANY reasons why that is important to check) have training about just transference, of all kinds, as well as why there are rules and laws and ethics involved in this area. Supervisory as well. All sorts of stuff. It is where this is the most likely to occur based on the theraputic relationship. Transference happens in many relationships but the theraputic one is where it is most likely to occur.

A therapist should (or at least MY therapist has) good strict boundries in this area, set in a way that allows open two way continious communication on this topic (transference/counter transference of all kinds) and also set in a way that allows you to feel comfortable to be open with her/him and not make you feel wrong or bad to have said feelings but rather to make it known they are natural and expected but still have those strict boundries in place. My therapist and I revist these boundries every so often (if not brought up by other ways) just to sort of relay them down. He used to do that much more often and as I started to naturally find my way along them and adhere to them more and more naturally, he has backed that revisit off. But, it will still come up and when it does we discuss it. With boundries. Good strict boundries are so very important though. On both sides.

 

[Owibe]

when it first started, our sessions that is, she would brag about her training with veterans and PTSD, her masters degree, and how she wanted to help veterans and thats why she was there. I fell into it quickly. we flirted back and forth as I found her sexy and she admitted to me through physical and verbal clues that she felt the same. But she would initial come up with reasons why we should not do it, and why it is wrong. Then further along, she would dress up on our days session. I would detract from my war issues and made them more about her and I. she at times would not stop me, but would rather listen closely to me. Then I remember her asking me if I would like a hug, saying it might help me, as I normally dont hug people. So I gave her a hug. That was our first physical connection. one thing let to another and before I knew it, I was being invited to her house to help her move some things as she was going through a divorce and had just moved into her own place. I showed up and after just a few moments there, we kissed hard, and I was led into her room where it happened. I remember joking at the time saying to her, "you took advantage of me" and she said "don't say that, please don't say that every again.". I remember how upset she was to hear that quick wit from me. She kept telling me we would have to wait for up to two years after we stopped our therapy to see eachother to make it safe, and even then, someone could file a complaint like my wife for up to ten years and she would still be screwed. But during the last few months of therapy and about a year after it, we had sex a lot. In her office during our sessions, at her house, weekend at santa barbra, and many more. I even took her to a friends wedding with me. But I always felt like she was kinda using me for some reason, not sure why.
while this was going on, I didnt realize that my relationship with my wife was in such bad shape that my wife had to seek therapy at the same VA for PTSD and depression. She would walk the halls and pass this woman at times and had no idea it was here I was having sex with. But her own therapy was bad I now found out. I was really treating her bad due to this outside situation. My young son even got some of my depression and anger, and had to start seeing a therapist. the breaking point for me to come froward was when my 10 yr old son threatened to kill himself. I can only understand this to be my fault. I carry this guilt as a direct action of me! Cause and effect. I have hurt so many people around me because of what happened when I was with this woman. It really brought me to a low place in life. I see that now, and only hope there is time to heal my son and myself and my wife. The more I think about it, the more I feel used, the more I feel taken advantage of. The more I can't trust anyone right now. The more I just want to withdraw. the more I just dont want to leave the house. The more I just want to find out why and how the VA allowed this to happen to me!? How someone with a masters degree and being a specialists in this field can allow themselves to become sexually involved with a soldier with sever PTSD? How can they do this while they are going through a divorce themselves, and not even divorced yet. so many questions............................I am just really hurt right now, big time. and just trying to process all of this. Thanks

 

[Haza]

.I am just really hurt right now, big time. and just trying to process all of this. Thanks

Maybe make your own thread. Not that you shouldn't post in this one but your own situations, thoughts, and issues can be talked through and it really helps me, at least, to have the back and forth of discussion.

Either way, I am glad to see you posting about it. I think that is the first step of figuring it all out. If you ask me, you were used. Therapists are specifically trained on transference and counter transference and there is a manual on how to properly handle it. That "therapist" went fully against that manual. She knew what she was doing (shhh, don't tell anyone or I can loose my licence) and didn't care. Did you report her in the end? If not, I would. She needs to loose her licence so she doesn't do it again. I am sorry that happened to you!

 

[Uwipu]

when it first started, our sessions that is, she would brag about her training with veterans and PTSD, her masters degre...

thank you for sharing this story. I came to this thread because I was (am) still thinking that the real solution to my current therapy is to have sex with my therapist. I don't find him attractive sexually, at all and I don't even think of him in that way. I just think this will help me feel connected and able to understand him. I feel like he doesn't like me at all, and if we had sex I would feel better about myself. I know it's possible that the forced child pornography issues I'm dealing with may be actually what is going on with me. I don't know. I just feel so rejected by him and so misunderstood constantly. I think having sex will connect us so I can talk more freely about the intrusive thoughts, and the physical flashbacks, and just the crazy behavior i'm having. I hate feeling this sense of being rejected. It is so painful it's physical. I was thinking if I led the therapy in that direction it may be beneficial to me. Now having read the veteran's story, Im thinking that maybe this is a bad idea. I mean like a really, bad bad idea. To be honest I now wish I had never, ever sought professional help.

 

[Juhab]

It harms the client. Some clients will see the harm early, some later, but it is always harmful for the client!

 

[Haza]

it is always harmful for the client!

Indeed. Not sure I can even explain how much. But it does. Very damaging!

 

[Irep]

Remember there is a difference between penetrative sex and intimacy. Often the issue is we want intimacy and we think sex will lead to intimacy. Nothing could be further from the truth. It means we don't have a clue how to do intimacy without the "proof" of sex. There is so much conditioning around sex, particularly the power dynamics that are triggered by it, that it is almost impossible for sex to happen between two people without family, cultural & past event conditioning being triggered. This means that instead of authentic intimacy, what you get is a rats nest of tangled emotional reactions that take everyone involved by surprise.

You should not be able to "lead" the therapy towards actual sex....if you can do this it means the therapist is incompetent and it's this realisation that really messes with your head. You can however TALK about your wish to lead the therapy in this direction, because this is the kind of information the therapist should be trained to handle. It's called "erotic transference" and will be a familiar part of the therapists daily life. Your idea of what would happen if you had sex with your therapist is a fantasy, and as such is potentially a valuable tool to help you and your therapist work out what drives you in your relationships with others.

If you feel this way toward your therapist it's likely you have some pretty powerful transference going on, and he will have counter-transference in response to this. Bringing the transference into the open by talking about it (and NOT by acting on it) is part of the therapeutic process and when well handled is positive process.

It is true that sometimes there needs to be a physical experience to shift the body's "felt sense" to disconnect the unhelpful binding of sex to intimacy. However you NEVER try this stuff with a one to one talk therapist.... because they are there to haul you out of the elephant traps you will inevitably fall into. They are there to ground you and talk you through the experiences, both good and bad that are an inherent part of working with erotic transference and projection.

 

[Fagos]

Remember there is a difference between penetrative sex and intimacy. Often the issue is we want intimacy and we think sex...

so I'm not sexually attracted to this person, though. like at all. is that still erotic transference?

 

[Fagos]

so I'm not sexually attracted to this person, though. like at all. is that still erotic transference?

Uwipu and Fagos are the same poster, btw.

 

[Emid]

If you don't feel sexually attracted to the therapist, but you want to have sex with them to deepen the relationship in order to feel comfortable telling them stuff then you need to tell your therapist that. It may involve erotic transference, it may be something else..... who knows until you talk about it.... whatever the process is, it needs talked about not acted out.

After reading this thread and others on this site I am sure you are aware that having sex with your therapist means the therapist would lose their licence if it became known you had sex... this means that, post coitally, you would hold your therapists career in your hands....and control the therapy process, binding the therapist to you, and capable of ruining them if they displeased you. Is there is a possibility that this shift in the power dynamic is what you are subconsciously seeking??

The fact that you're thinking this way is an indicator that therapy is likely to be beneficial to you, as long as the therapist is professional and you can find a way to talk to them openly.

 

[Ginan]

thank you for sharing this story. I came to this thread because I was (am) still thinking that the real solution to my c...

Wow, did I write this??? I relate word for word. Different trauma but similar enough.