Sex With Therapist

[Zikewi]

I suppose he needs to assure me of his will power before we can move forward.

Yes. Please feel free to use this thread as a means of accountability if you wish. Will you post here if anything happens even if you think its small?

I think you have done amazingly on here. Especially if you consider where you were at the start if the thread. Also wish I could have therapy to do therapy by the way.

Well done for doing that and good luck.

 

[Famopar]

It's honestly hard to say this with certainty but I will use every ounce of my will power not to sleep with him. I need him to have more will power than me. I suppose he needs to assure me of his will power before we can move forward.

This is why there are clear stict boundries. So even if you tried (and trust me when I say I did, many times) he doesn't AND makes that boundry more clear. So that there is no doubt at all in ever fiber of your being you know he won't. That's what a boundry is.

He responded saying I can ask for clarification on his boundaries any time but he wanted to assure me he would never be sexual with a client. We will discuss more in person this week.

At least his response don't send my OMG meter all crazy. I think he may have joked with you the wrong way. Though that isn'r funny and no therapist should joke in that mannor and that itself is what is still sending off watnings in my head.

PLEASE make sure those boundries are CRYSTAL clear to you and if it isn't then you need to either ask for it to be or leave the therapy.

Please be careful and yes, I would be happy to read any thing and give you my feedback on it. I know how damaging it is and couter transference has a name for a reason.

 

[Nehaj]

I emailed him and told him that "at times I'm convinced you would have sex with me if I allowed that to happen, I don't have a clear understanding of where your boundaries are."

It's great that you've found a place to discuss this situation without judgement and also with others who have had similar struggles. It's also good that you named it with your therapist. His response seems reassuring, although it left me thinking that it's highly unlikely that he would confess to wanting a sexual relationship with you in an email. It's strange that his comments to you are at such odds with the email. Without wanting to appear cynical, I have a feeling he's done this before and knows all too well to not leave a 'paper trail'.

There are lots of red flags and I'm glad that you're reaching out and getting advice and different perspectives as often we're clouded by the lens of trauma.

I hope your next session goes well and you get the answers you're seeking.

 

[Tehuz]

The OP said: "I emailed him and told him that "at times I'm convinced you would have sex with me if I allowed that to happen, I don't have a clear understanding of where your boundaries are."

He responded saying I can ask for clarification on his boundaries any time but he wanted to assure me he would never be sexual with a client. We will discuss more in person this week. [snip]

It's honestly hard to say this with certainty but I will use every ounce of my will power not to sleep with him. I need him to have more will power than me. I suppose he needs to assure me of his will power before we can move forward."

While glad you could have the exchange with your shrink, you're still thinking in terms of "power" (I need him to have more will power than me) - and not taking personal accountability for your own part in the relational dynamic that you've created for your mental health service provider. But it's a start.

What would your therapeutic relationship look like if you made a decision and took the ideation of sex with him off the table completely? I sure would like you to get farther in your sessions than using "every ounce of my will power not to sleep with him". You really might do yourself and your therapist a good turn if you can break the obsessive compulsive thoughts about it.

 

[Onikad]

First of all, I would like to commend you for talking about this here. It can be a very difficult and controversial topic to bring up, and discuss. Having said that, I need to say I am really bothered by what feels to me like the "power" dynamic others describe here, which to me sounds more like manipulation on your part. Let me be clear, I think he has been completely out of bounds/inappropriate/unethical in his comments and responses as you talk about them in earlier posts and, frankly, he should be reported and his ass should be dragged before his governing board. However, I also think you need to begin to take some accountability for the way you are perpetuating the problem.

There has been some very good discussion here about why you may be reacting in the way you are to him and how your needs, history, etc..., all play into this. But what really concerns me is that you truly have the "power" and the choice now, with this insight, to make a decision about your behavior, and your subsequent posts seem to indicate you are still in manipulation mode.

I really am concerned about you. This situation could get bad, very fast. Please take care of yourself and remember he is your therapist. No more.

 

[Zikewi]

Agreed that you need to make that commitment but think without an iron clad commitment and sense of very solid boundaries coming from your therapist too - this therapy should not continue. Especially as it seems he initiated comments about sex in the past. Whether that was "innocent" or not.

I think you could have a whole lot of very helpful therapy - with the right therapist - just about your feelings about sex and relationships. Good luck again.

 

[Vafavu]

Your therapist is predatory.
It appears to my humble understanding that you were "properly" groomed. Lovingly, carefully and in a non-violent manner. And your therapist is a shit.
Please don't be confused by your need to expose the rawest nature of yourself....there are actually good, decent men who are fully capable of loving you as you truly are.

Immediately discontinue therapy with predatory therapist and find a new therapist.
Save yourself, child, no one else can.

 

[Ginan]

Really? You are all this certain? I keep rereading what I wrote to ensure I wasn't misleading because he doesn't seem predatory to me. It seems he just doesn't really know what he's doing at worst. I met him today and we discussed sex the entire session. It was a little odd but I was very direct. I told him repeatedly that he didn't make it clear he wouldn't have sex with me and I need to hear that, and instead of insisting he wouldn't he said, "what would be in it for you? I am twice your age, and you are more attractive, it seems like having sex would be very selfish and one sided of me."

I was struck by that, as though he doesn't understand why this would come up for me, but also he didn't seem to understand how it could hurt me. He did keep insisting that I am safe there. He said, "I've never come on to you."

I wish I wasn't so attached to him. It doesn't seem like he knows what he's doing. We spend so much time arguing it seems. Every issue of transference becomes about him defending himself.

He is a psychologist with 30yrs experience and a full book of clients. He isn't some hack. I wish it wasn't so damn hard to find a therapist. It will be so hard to leave him.

 

[Jasaz]

He is a psychologist with 30yrs experience and a full book of clients

This means he knows EXACTLY what he is doing!

It appears to my humble understanding that you were "properly" groomed. Lovingly, carefully and in a non-violent manner.

Agreed!

He knows what erotic transference is. He knows why it would come up time and time again. And because of that he KNOWS to make a STRICT and CRYSTAL CLEAR boundry from day ONE.

You ARE being groomed. This is VERY dangerous. I have been here, twice. PLEASE leave this therapist! I understand the bond but you are literally playing with fire. His last reply tells me that he is doing well with the mind games as well!

 

[Tume]

Hm..."you are more attractive." Well, given some of the other things you've said about him, just the fact that he has commented on your appearance in this manner might be of concern. You said, "He actually made a joke about how it's possible he could want it [sex], too, but we changed the subject." It's been pointed out several times how that, even as a joke (or maybe esp. as a joke) is just not appropriate from a therapist. You also said, "He asked me what I would do if he came on to me once."

Just eeewwwww.

And, if you asked him "repeatedly" for a direct answer to make it clear that he wouldn't have sex with you (which, btw...is a super creepy conversation to be having with a therapist, imo...it never should get to that point, because the boundaries should be very clear where that is concerned) and he would NOT answer you directly, RED FLAG.

Sorry. I'm done with this thread.

 

[Zikewi]

I always tend to be cautious about judgments of therapists as so many things can't be put forward in a few words on the web and only one perspective - but at the very least I don't think his response is sufficient considering how much of an issue this is for you. Your boundaries with this stuff are problematic and you don't need a professional who is even slightly squiffy with his.

Is he a trauma therapist? Does he have a speciality and if so what is it? What approach of therapy does he do? For example CBT; person centred, psyhodynamic etc.

I think t's who cross boundaries probably fall into many different types. Some will be predators, some will be people who get taken in by the power of the dynamic; some will be flattered by what is really transference and act on it; some will be people having their own issues in their lives who let their boundaries down to get their own fix out of the situation, others may be people unable to have relationships in a normal setting and therefore get caught up in a therapeutic one. None of that will really make a difference to how damaging it would be though or how much it would get them struck off from their controlling body. . In all aspects of therapy the t needs to be able to manage their own stuff, If a t is dealing with someone like you who has your sexual messages way mixed up then they better have their act together when it comes to boundaries.

If he was trying to make you think about this and challenge you rather than just reassuring you then he would be asking you about other times you have used sex for other purposes, what sex would mean to you, what it would do for therapy etc etc. I could see a psychodynamic t going down that road a bit rather than just saying it will never happen. His response sounds relationshippy. Off. About him. Thats a red flag.

 

[Ginan]

Fuuuuuck!!! This is horrible! I can't believe I didn't see this. f*cking heart breaking. f*ck.

I do remember him describing my appearance as 'striking' and offered that as an explanation why I was chosen by a sexual predator. f*ck. I guess that's a bit bizarre to say to a woman coming to you for help with PTSD.

I'm so heart breakbroken and disappointed by this. f*ck. I don't know if I love you guys or absolutely hate you for making me face the music.