Sex with therapist

[The Albatross]

Disagree, you were subconsciously replaying a relationship with a mature man/father figure in an attempt to actualize a more beneficial and loving situation than your history. But most/many who repeat patterns don't ever see this.

 

[Toralu312]

Yes I think you're right. I think that's what I am always doing with my male relationships. Why is this wrong? This is what attracts me to certain people. I loved him for the right reasons - he treated me well, he was kind, he was loving and supportive and validating and sweet to me. And I was able to make him happy and content. Why is this wrong?

Disagree, you were subconsciously replaying a relationship with a mature man/father figure in an a...

Also, he loved me for who I am. I could be myself with him. And all of my past relationships I was never able to be myself. I was always trying to change something about myself to make the person I was dating happy. You make my dad happy. To make my husband happy. But with my T, it was just so natural, I could just be me, and he adored it.

 

[Toralu312]

Exactly this. Except all three should have managed their behaviour better. Your T knew you had been abu...

You're right. As my mom said, i didn't need a lover, I needed a therapist. She was right. I needed a true therapeutic relationship and he should have helped me with my pattern of trying to get older men to love me. But he fell in love with me...

 

[Casey_03]

Also, he loved me for who I am.

He didn't though, judging by his behavior. If he really loved you, he would have handled the whole thing differently. He wouldn't have responded by immediately telling you he had a crush on you and jumping into bed with you -- he would have stopped to think about how his actions would effect you. He didn't care enough to do that.

I think you are viewing this whole situation as something out of a fairy tale, but you need to ask yourself why. Is it because you had emotional intimacy with him? Was he the first man who truly listened? That doesn't make it "true love." It seems like you're confusing emotional intimacy with true love. If this all happened over the course of six weeks, it honestly sounds more like a misguided fling than love. To me, it seems like you felt a great sense of relief at being able to open up to someone the way you did, and have him listen and understand, and he took advantage of that.

 

[Toralu312]

He didn't though, judging by his behavior. If he really loved you, he would have handled the whole thi...

Thank you. He did think about it quite a bit. He would ask me all the time if he's hurting me in any way. He said to me many times "the literature says that I'm damaging you. And I can't do that to you. You need to let me know if I've hurt you or if I'm damaging you." He essentially risked everything to be with me. When he jumped into bed with me he wasn't thinking and he wasn't yet in love. But over the course of a few weeks we developed a very close and caring relationship. He told me over and over that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, etc. It wasn't until his business partner scolded him that he started to rethink it all. Even then he was adamant that I can trust him, that we will be together etc. And on Sunday he told me meant everything he said and then started to cry. It didn't turn into love until after therapy ended and we got to know each other better. I depended on him when he was my therapist, but when the relationship changed it was love.

 

[Suzetig]

I know you need to believe it was love. But love is responsible, caring, honest, respectful - all things that he failed in. He had a professional responsibility to you - if it was love, he could have ended therapy, waited the amount of time required to ensure the relationship wasn't based on your therapeutic vulnerability (measured in years, not weeks or months) and then re-established contact. He could have referred you to a colleague to continue your therapeutic work, should never have left it to you to tell him he was being hurtful - how could you possibly do that.

He wanted you, more lust and ego than anything else and so abusive.

 

[Toralu312]

You're are so right. Thank you for all your help! In fact, I was waiting for the feelings to fade once he was no longer my therapist and this kind and accepting father figure was no longer. But they didn't fade. They grew. Maybe enough time hadn't passed, and maybe that's why they have the 5 year rule in place. It will be interesting to see how I feel about him in time, and if we ever meet after the 5 year period how I'd feel about him then.

He wrestled with knowing he wasn't being responsible and feeling head over heels in love. He would always tell me that he's "smittten" and he'd just want to bask in my presence. I made him feel good about himself and I think that feeling overtook his duty to do what was right and what was best for me. So that was very selfish of him.

 

[scout86]

This might be affected (a lot?), by my own experience. I was in a relationship once, where there was that much of an age difference. He wasn't a therapist, but you could still make a case for it being 'exploitive'. I don't think it was. I think it was the best, healthiest relationship I've ever been in and it taught me that such things are possible, if rare.

I have no way of knowing what was really going on with you & your T. The thing is, there are rules about this sort of thing and the rules exist for good reasons. Your T was the person who was responsible for seeing to it the relationship stayed inside the rules. Messing that up is a pretty big deal, regardless of why it happened.

Glad to hear you're getting on with you life! I hope, somewhere in your future, a really good, and totally appropriate relationship awaits you! (no matter how old the guy is)

 

[Muttly]

You keep saying "he asked me if he was hurting me". In a therapeutic relationship how can you, as the client, truly judge this? You've been studying. You know about transference and all that. If you were the counselor, with someone who had a background like yours, would you feel confident that a client could answer that question clearly?

 

[Rumors]

Trust me when I tell you it cannot work out when he is 68 and you are 35.. It just doesn't. I am sorry you are so hurt but I would urge you to look at why you felt the need to be in a relationship where, not only the age difference is skewed, but the power is all in his court. You trusted him, he violated that. He made a poor choice.

 

[joeylittle]

@Toralu312 - you're doing a good job sticking with this thread. Hard stuff, I admire that you are really considering the situation.

He said "I'm so sorry, we can't do this, I've hurt you, I've done something illegal, we aren't allowed to have contact for 5 years, hurting you is the worst thing I've ever done in my life

Yes. There's no question here, and the fact that he openly shared his concerns that he might be doing you harm is even more an indication that he knew it was not permissible behavior.

would love your opinion on what happened, on what's wrong with me, and on why he did what he inevitably had to do.

Nothing is wrong with you. You indulged in a prolonged fantasy, but it's clear how this affair related to your life struggles (past and present).

He's 68, he had told his best friend all about me, he truly wanted a life with me. I am intuitive and I know.

No. If he wanted a life with you he would have suspended therapy the moment he knew he was not going to adhere to the ethical/legal guidelines. Then, he'd have stopped his career (the waiting period is shorter I believe, if the potential relationship is going to involve the therapist forgoing licensing)

Also, we were both very well aware of the legalities of it all, the fact he could lose his license, that we aren't supposed to be in touch for 5 years.

So, you were also culpable. That's why I call it a fantasy. You knew that there was an obstacle. Instead of both of you choosing to navigate the situation healthfully, you decided to indulge and therefore render the actual realization of this relationship, impossible. Whether you knew that consciously or not - that was the choice you both made. And it's likely you each had different reasons.

Also, he loved me for who I am. I could be myself with him. And all of my past relationships I was never able to be myself.

Right. You could be yourself with him because he was your therapist.

Of course you could be different with him. He wasn't a relationship. You hired him, as a paid professional, to accept you wholly and without judgement.

He accepted you as a client, understanding that his role in your life was to accept you completely for who you are.

This is why these therapist client relationships are fundamentally false. It's why the waiting period exists. The old relationship (client/therapist) would have to completely sever, in order to even stand a chance of not creating an unhealthy dynamic. And the therapist is really supposed to give a shit about that, because the client is the one who is vulnerable to the power dynamic.

It sounds like you had what could be considered a pretty survivable outcome. You got something from actualizing your transference, and you are processing that. But I'd encourage you to try and see this with clear eyes going forward: he wasn't somehow a special romantic parter; he was set up to be whatever you needed him to be, and he chose to step into that role fully. Nothing about that is healthy. It's incredibly dysfunctional. And your next relationship will very likely pale in comparison - not because your T was your soulmate, but because you pretended he was, and he did too.

 

[Toralu312]

@Toralu312 - you're doing a good job sticking with this thread. Hard stuff, I ad...

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply! I agree! However, how can you account for the fact that after therapy ended he was still kind and accepting and everything I had always wanted in a partner? I wasn't pretending or forcing things, he was truly what I had always wanted! And I don't think he was pretending either. He was himself with me, I saw all of him: the tired version, the sad version, the version that actually had problems. I loved all of it. And I loved being able to help. And he accepted me and loved who I was - not as a therapist because he had to - but as a partner, a boyfriend, a lover. A man who was not my therapist. I had never experience that love from a partner...they've all pretty much treated me like crap. He treated me well in therapy. So I knew he was safe if we could have a real relationship. Which is unhealthy because I'm supposed to look outside of my safe haven for real love. That aside, when he became my lover and not my therapist, he showed me over and over again that he was the kind and supportive and accepting man i thought he was. You're saying he put on an act once therapy stopped?