Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
When I first started dating again after being in an abusive relationship that included multiple rapes I did it with a sort off blind abandon, whoever I could get to love me etc. I would have sex 3 dates in. This mimicked that 3 dates in I was sexually assaulted in my first relationship, and I though if I just "got it over with" then the rest of it wouldn't be so bad. I picked people no matter how little we had in common.
I did a lot of healing and now I find that I just don't date, or it goes nowhere. I'm also worried that I can only feel true romantic affection towards someone if they don't live near me because there's no probability of physical contact, even if I do desire physical contact at this point. When someone is close to me, or close enough they could touch me, I panic and become aloof or boring or push them away. My T thought maybe I only can develop feelings for people who I probably won't meet because they live far away and this makes me safe.
I feel physically ill thinking about being in relationships that could easily happen, ei people who live close to me, because it's dangerous in my head. I also am terrified of people near me thinking I'm interested in them. People who live far away? I can easily pine for and be attracted to. I can even fantasize about being close to them/moving with them because it's like, not real. I feel like there's just something broken in me. I also don't know if I'm just super picky now, and I'm also gay so there's just less people to pick from. I feel like I'm simultaneously discounting/demonizing my feelings as being a part of trauma while thinking they are real. I don't know what's reality.
I did a lot of healing and now I find that I just don't date, or it goes nowhere. I'm also worried that I can only feel true romantic affection towards someone if they don't live near me because there's no probability of physical contact, even if I do desire physical contact at this point. When someone is close to me, or close enough they could touch me, I panic and become aloof or boring or push them away. My T thought maybe I only can develop feelings for people who I probably won't meet because they live far away and this makes me safe.
I feel physically ill thinking about being in relationships that could easily happen, ei people who live close to me, because it's dangerous in my head. I also am terrified of people near me thinking I'm interested in them. People who live far away? I can easily pine for and be attracted to. I can even fantasize about being close to them/moving with them because it's like, not real. I feel like there's just something broken in me. I also don't know if I'm just super picky now, and I'm also gay so there's just less people to pick from. I feel like I'm simultaneously discounting/demonizing my feelings as being a part of trauma while thinking they are real. I don't know what's reality.