Sexual Abuse And The Sociopath...

[BeeLee]

rightkindofme, I guess that is one way to look at it. I think for me I prefer to see it as our innocence protecting us somewhat, giving us a strength that we can't find as an adult.

 

[ms spock]

I was pretty dissociated.

 

[BeeLee]

I was too, Ms Spock. Though at the time I was unaware of that.

 

[.Bubbles.]

I'm sorry for all you have been through. You sure have been through a lot. Kudos on being so brave to share it all :)

 

[BeeLee]

I am supposed to be getting in touch with my inner child by Weds. afternoon, but have found that the more I try to get in touch with her, the more I dissociate. I feel absolutely nothing. I feel as though I am watching some television show unfold, so separate am I from it all. A friend of mine that has been in my life for the past 15 years has been sending me emails, telling me that he misses me, because I am so distant and not available to him (or anyone really). Even trying to put all of this into words, and I feel distant from it. When I get like this, I don't want to do anything, don't have the energy to do anything. My apartment is falling apart. I haven't cleaned in a couple of weeks and it disgusts me to not clean. Every night, before going to bed, I tell myself that tomorrow morning I am going to get up and clean. The next morning I am beyond exhausted and can't get myself in the mood to clean. I do just enough to make sure that if someone comes over, as long as they stay in my living room area, then it does not appear that I have done nothing. I have laundry that needs folded and put away and it sits in my bedroom, not getting done. It is like it takes more energy than I can muster. As a child, I wouldn't clean my room, pick things up, because having things laying all over the place served as my own special alarm if the "monster" were coming to get me. Am I not cleaning for that reason?

I am not enjoying anything. I am not having fun at all, with anything. I have to force myself to get up in the mornings and go to work, and then it is as though I am going through the motions and nothing impacts me. It is as though I am going through the motions of life and nothing impacts me. I don't know that I've ever felt connected to anything. The one thing I have wanted, more than anything else in my life, is to experience love, completely, and I have someone who tells me he loves me, that he would not abandon me, that he will always be in my life, and yet, I don't believe him, don't feel that he does. Then again, he is someone just like me, experiences dissociation, has had a very traumatic childhood, just as I have (probably more so than I have), and I wonder, if like me, if he actually feels anything at all.

Even this post feels disjointed to me. I feel as though I am not making any sense, that I can't even follow a train of thought at this point. I'm just tired, maybe. Maybe I just need to sleep, but find way too often that sleep eludes me. I just want to feel something besides this numbness, this exhaustive numbness. I want to trust that he loves me, but would it matter if he does if I can't feel it? I don't know what to do at this point ...

 

[SnowJo]

My life has been one long traumatic event that seems to be never-ending. My father began sexually abusin...

I am speechless, you are an amazing woman and I have the utmost respect for you. That you survived and you are willing to share is humbling and touching. I wish the best in life for you, I hope you have endless amounts of happiness, joy and menaingful connection by people who cherish and respect you. The loathing I feel for your parents is nausiating, but I know I don't have a right to that, though I can completely understand how you would have suffered, I just don't know how to express the shock I feel for how depraved they were towards you, and you were a beautiful innocent child who NEVER Deserved ANY of it! I guess I am at a loss for words, but I wanted to let you know that I care about your story and wish the best for you.

 

[SnowJo]

I am supposed to be getting in touch with my inner child by Weds. afternoon, but have found that the more...

I often used to feel like I was "Broken" and PTSD made my brain feel like scrambled eggs and skipping on a record. I now realise that I through counselling over 20+ years on and off have tried to piece together a puzzle as if it was my life - and the reality was it was their f*cked up life - I wasn't in their story, they didn't see me, I was subjected to an extension of their drama as if it was my life, but I am me... and that doesnt have 1 inner child due to their bullshit, so I will not punish myself trying to conform to others "nice little picture", I will be my own best friend and celebrate me, a bit different but I am still me! you deserve so much more!

Know this you are great! awsome! inspite of your feelings. inspite of the PTSD or (scrambled eggs brain that happens when triggered). I made the mistake of reading an inner child workshop book some 20 years ago and it really caused me to unravel in a big wway. my obsessive focus on "getting well" and inquisitve mind relentlessly pursued my "inner self", my past and I attempted to "fit all the pieces togegther" for 20 bloomin years, which I now realise is the wrong goal!... HELL NO! I will not live the rest of my life trying to live out their broken scripts!

 

[Marsha8]

I am sorry you have to live this nightmare. Don't let them win. A good Family Therapist can help you heal.

 

[Marsha8]

When you work through the pain it does get harder to function at first. Please keep working through it. It will get better with time and work. It will be worth it.