SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
Here is my story. It may end up long, I apologize if it does.
I went to another country for 3 months to work, and rented a room at a house where other people who were there temporarily did the same. Mostly the house was not very full yet when I moved in -3 guys and a girl. I was 21 years old and in the middle of my university years so it didn't seem so strange that I instantly bonded with the guys and girl and we were all hanging out together- granted a lot of times without her because she had a job with more hours. I thought we are all adults and it's okay that we are hanging out- I even made sure that everyone knew I had a boyfriend(even though my relationship at the time was more in the complicated stage). I was bullied in elementary school, and it took me years to get rid of my trust issues, so when I finally did, just the year before, I didn't want to be overly cautious with people- which is why, I think, I ignored all the red alerts.
The guys complimented me constantly(so what? I was flattered in a way). Then there were the little-too-long hugs. It made me uncomfortable, but I told myself I'm overly cautious because of my past. Then one day we all watched TV and one of the guys changed his position few times and finally put the pillow in my lap and half-layed there. I was shocked, but didn't say anything- that was the one guy that had openly mocked most of what I do most of the time..he had no more than friendly interest in me, I told myself. The other guy, who has openly continued to flirt with me, even though I had said I am taken and that he makes me uncomfortable, look at us with jealousy. So what, I told myself, I know I'm not actually doing anything wrong.
Then the jealous guy left the room and I heard the door locking, which is when I started to be afraid- what was he doing?? He looked jealous- why would he leave the room and lock us in? But I didn't have much chance to think since the other guy started kissing my stomach and then tried to move to my lips, and I bolted backwards in panic. After telling him few times in panic I didn't want to be with him in any capacity, and him trying to touch me and kiss me again, and me pushing him away, he laughed. He told me it's okay, and to stop panicking, that we won't do anything if I don't want to and that I don't have to leave- but I was too panicked, so he gave me the key and I left. On my way out I saw the other guy, standing right outside of the door. I found that strange, but I was finally out of the room, and I wasn't going to question it.
2 weeks later, we were at bad relations with the guys. The jealous one continued to flirt, even though I made it clear I was uncomfortable, so I was constantly mad at them, and avoided being around them whenever I was in the house. Until one moment where one of them sat me down to talk and I can't remember how, but he made me feel like I am overreacting, he is from another country, he understood my actions differently and so on and so on, until I felt guilty for being mad, and apologized. We were all "friends" again. And to prove that, the next day after work, I did the same as I would in the beginning- went to their room, which we also used as living room, and sat to chat with them.
The jealous one hugged me from behind as a "hi" when he came in the room, to which I protested. he argued I'm too sensitive again, and once more hugged me, and then started massaging my shoulders. I jumped up from my chair, on edge, told him that's not okay, but he hugged me tighter and wouldn't let me go. I fought back, and threatened him finally that I'd hit him if he doesn't let me go. He held me in a way that I couldn't move my arms and my feet weren't touching the ground so I was starting to get really panicked. He didn't let me go.
I looked around to see what the other guy is doing, I thought it's obvious I'm in pain and thought for some reason that he would help. However, he left the room, and just like it had happened last time, but with switched roles. He locked the door. I somehow managed to get out one of my arms and hit the guy somewhere on his head, twice. It was of no use. He swore, and said he wasn't going to hurt me if I hadn't hurt him, and he pushed me backwards on the bed.
The rest is clear. He raped me. This is already too long so I won't get in details. It was my first time with a guy, and it was horrifying. At some point I was crying too much and he put hand in front of my mouth so I wouldn't make a sound, and since breathing from my nose was harder from the crying, at some point I couldn't breathe and that was even worse that what was happening, so I stopped fighting. When he was done he allowed me to start crawling away from him to get out and then pulled me back and did it again. I was in such bad shape, and so bruised and in shock when I finally got to my room, that I didn't think of reporting it. I went in the shower, and tried to scrub it off me. After that I wandered the streets like a ghost for few hours, and few times a car almost passed through me. At the end I nearly collapsed in my bed.
By the morning, I had no memory, except all the bruises and clothes- which my brain find way to explain in many "rational" ways. I could have fully forgotten, I guess, but 3 days later a mutual acquaintance told me that he was telling everyone that I hit him for no reason, I was thought she is joking- I had no recollection of doing such thing. Then she reminded me I told her I had hit him as well, and then the memory hit me like a wave.
Few days later, he came to "apologize" and raped me again. The time before I had tried to fight, and I could barely walk after, so this time, I just let him do that. There were few times after that. That was 3 years ago. I went through long denial and after- just as long therapy and recovery. I lead life that is as close as it gets to normal right now- living with my boyfriend whom I love and we have been together for a year, finally over my fear of commitment, I graduated and I am doing something I love, I can have good time and be okay, I don't panic when I meet strangers anymore, and mostly I had very rare flashback and my eating and sleeping is better....there is a lot more to work on, but I've done so much, that I've learned to accept the process.
However, sometime I still look back and wonder, if it was my fault. That may be I should have fought the second time it happened. That may be I should have reported it the first time, even though I was in another country and practically had no money...that may be in some way, with how I acted, I made those guys think I was easy and that it's okay for them to try to sleep with me....it's all so confusing. It seems like a cruel nightmare sometimes, and like it is not my fault at all...and some days like today I am question if I should have so obviously seen it coming like a train coming towards me, and that I acted naive and stupid and therefore I got what was bound to happen...
So...that's my story, more or less.
I went to another country for 3 months to work, and rented a room at a house where other people who were there temporarily did the same. Mostly the house was not very full yet when I moved in -3 guys and a girl. I was 21 years old and in the middle of my university years so it didn't seem so strange that I instantly bonded with the guys and girl and we were all hanging out together- granted a lot of times without her because she had a job with more hours. I thought we are all adults and it's okay that we are hanging out- I even made sure that everyone knew I had a boyfriend(even though my relationship at the time was more in the complicated stage). I was bullied in elementary school, and it took me years to get rid of my trust issues, so when I finally did, just the year before, I didn't want to be overly cautious with people- which is why, I think, I ignored all the red alerts.
The guys complimented me constantly(so what? I was flattered in a way). Then there were the little-too-long hugs. It made me uncomfortable, but I told myself I'm overly cautious because of my past. Then one day we all watched TV and one of the guys changed his position few times and finally put the pillow in my lap and half-layed there. I was shocked, but didn't say anything- that was the one guy that had openly mocked most of what I do most of the time..he had no more than friendly interest in me, I told myself. The other guy, who has openly continued to flirt with me, even though I had said I am taken and that he makes me uncomfortable, look at us with jealousy. So what, I told myself, I know I'm not actually doing anything wrong.
Then the jealous guy left the room and I heard the door locking, which is when I started to be afraid- what was he doing?? He looked jealous- why would he leave the room and lock us in? But I didn't have much chance to think since the other guy started kissing my stomach and then tried to move to my lips, and I bolted backwards in panic. After telling him few times in panic I didn't want to be with him in any capacity, and him trying to touch me and kiss me again, and me pushing him away, he laughed. He told me it's okay, and to stop panicking, that we won't do anything if I don't want to and that I don't have to leave- but I was too panicked, so he gave me the key and I left. On my way out I saw the other guy, standing right outside of the door. I found that strange, but I was finally out of the room, and I wasn't going to question it.
2 weeks later, we were at bad relations with the guys. The jealous one continued to flirt, even though I made it clear I was uncomfortable, so I was constantly mad at them, and avoided being around them whenever I was in the house. Until one moment where one of them sat me down to talk and I can't remember how, but he made me feel like I am overreacting, he is from another country, he understood my actions differently and so on and so on, until I felt guilty for being mad, and apologized. We were all "friends" again. And to prove that, the next day after work, I did the same as I would in the beginning- went to their room, which we also used as living room, and sat to chat with them.
The jealous one hugged me from behind as a "hi" when he came in the room, to which I protested. he argued I'm too sensitive again, and once more hugged me, and then started massaging my shoulders. I jumped up from my chair, on edge, told him that's not okay, but he hugged me tighter and wouldn't let me go. I fought back, and threatened him finally that I'd hit him if he doesn't let me go. He held me in a way that I couldn't move my arms and my feet weren't touching the ground so I was starting to get really panicked. He didn't let me go.
I looked around to see what the other guy is doing, I thought it's obvious I'm in pain and thought for some reason that he would help. However, he left the room, and just like it had happened last time, but with switched roles. He locked the door. I somehow managed to get out one of my arms and hit the guy somewhere on his head, twice. It was of no use. He swore, and said he wasn't going to hurt me if I hadn't hurt him, and he pushed me backwards on the bed.
The rest is clear. He raped me. This is already too long so I won't get in details. It was my first time with a guy, and it was horrifying. At some point I was crying too much and he put hand in front of my mouth so I wouldn't make a sound, and since breathing from my nose was harder from the crying, at some point I couldn't breathe and that was even worse that what was happening, so I stopped fighting. When he was done he allowed me to start crawling away from him to get out and then pulled me back and did it again. I was in such bad shape, and so bruised and in shock when I finally got to my room, that I didn't think of reporting it. I went in the shower, and tried to scrub it off me. After that I wandered the streets like a ghost for few hours, and few times a car almost passed through me. At the end I nearly collapsed in my bed.
By the morning, I had no memory, except all the bruises and clothes- which my brain find way to explain in many "rational" ways. I could have fully forgotten, I guess, but 3 days later a mutual acquaintance told me that he was telling everyone that I hit him for no reason, I was thought she is joking- I had no recollection of doing such thing. Then she reminded me I told her I had hit him as well, and then the memory hit me like a wave.
Few days later, he came to "apologize" and raped me again. The time before I had tried to fight, and I could barely walk after, so this time, I just let him do that. There were few times after that. That was 3 years ago. I went through long denial and after- just as long therapy and recovery. I lead life that is as close as it gets to normal right now- living with my boyfriend whom I love and we have been together for a year, finally over my fear of commitment, I graduated and I am doing something I love, I can have good time and be okay, I don't panic when I meet strangers anymore, and mostly I had very rare flashback and my eating and sleeping is better....there is a lot more to work on, but I've done so much, that I've learned to accept the process.
However, sometime I still look back and wonder, if it was my fault. That may be I should have fought the second time it happened. That may be I should have reported it the first time, even though I was in another country and practically had no money...that may be in some way, with how I acted, I made those guys think I was easy and that it's okay for them to try to sleep with me....it's all so confusing. It seems like a cruel nightmare sometimes, and like it is not my fault at all...and some days like today I am question if I should have so obviously seen it coming like a train coming towards me, and that I acted naive and stupid and therefore I got what was bound to happen...
So...that's my story, more or less.
