Sexual Addiction

[cragger65]

I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start. I realize looking back that indulgence in sex was my only way of coping through my whole life from about 13 onward. I was my way to drown out the emotional pain that I was in.

My tastes have always been different (hey, everyone's special in that respect, right ;) but I sought out increasingly more perverse, degrading and painful sex right up until my breakdown. Now, I consider myself very nearly non-sexual, meaning it isn't even a thought of mine throughout the day, and not an issue that I consider much. Now when I look at the porn that used to turn me on, all I can think is, "Is that poor girl going to wind up on this forum next year?" Who knows what preceded her choice to do porn? Who knows what abuse she suffered as a child? I realize that is not every girls story, but obviously reading here makes one MUCH more aware of the possibility.

Anyway, having lost this coping mechanism from my life after almost 25 years of leaning on it HEAVILY in order to cope, I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced such addiction and such "monumental" change, for lack of a better word. I'm not sure how much of this change has been conscious and how much simply resulting from depression.

What do you use in it's place to cope and find pleasure? I do a lot of meditation and try to keep up on the guitar. What is your experience of what works? Improved coping stradegies, mantras.... anything at all

 

[Deleted member 541]

Being a person that went through sexual trauma, one would think that sex would be the furthest from my mind....My perpetrator though, used to tell me that he loved me, and being a child, it skewed my thinking. As I grew up, my sexual appetite became stronger, pain became pleasure, and sex equaled love, love equaled sex.

So I understand the coping skill...Now, I have been celibate for 10 years. Sex is no longer a focus, and I worry about those that think and do what I did for so many years....

Once I learned that sex WASN'T love, and love wasn't sex, I no longer needed it. It just isn't an issue with me. Basically I have given up most of my bad coping skills....Drinking, drugs, sex........But I will be damned if I will give up my Chocolate........

Great job Dave......

 

[cragger65]

Chocolate conquers all ;P Never thought I'd say that. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in that regard. I have to admit, I am a bit proud of your "great job" She Cat, I've always respected your opinion on here. Tough and smart. Thanks.

I don't know if I equated it with "love", as much as it was a simpler to obtain substitute for love, than actually connecting with someone on an emotional level, being messed up as I was/am and all. It was like, "I don't have the premium unleaded in my life, so I'll top up the tank on this gungy old coal oil instead". Not pretty.

 

[TLight]

I hear what you are saying Dave.

I have no conscious memories yet of what my Dad did........but the nightmares are telling. I do know what the neighbors did. I also know that I thought sex was love and my view of sex was what I thought men wanted, "nasty".......

Now I have a healthier view of sex and am enjoying being more real and not performing........I was oversexed, as many survivors are. Now I don't place as much emphasis on it. It was my only form of power for many years.......since I had no authentic power.

And yes, probably a lot of those women in porn will end up on this site. It is a sad thing about our culture, this porn stuff............really horrible I think.

My current BF has no nastiness going on that he has shown me, no hints, he doesn't care for porn, is pretty balanced as far as I can tell so far..........and our love making is just that, love making as God intended it to be. No sickness, no deviancy...........but very satisfying.

My hope is the world changes as I've been changing.

 

[cragger65]

I'm so glad for you T, you really deserve that "something better" in your life after what you have suffered in the past, and it sounds like the BF is such a big step towards that healthier, more balanced you. Congratulation on that, and the change that you're going through now. Very inspiring and heart-warming.

take care, good to hear from you,
Dave

 

[Lionheart]

For decades I sexually acted out the role I was forced to take during the original abuses, with myself as the submissive, degraded, victim. I was as addicted to porn as I was the compulsion to re-enact the abuses over and over, very often that was anonymously with total strangers. I have overcome these negative coping patterns and I now have a greater appreciation for sex as an expression of love, as something innocent, pure, fun, light-hearted and many other things that I never knew it could be.
I seldom use the "F"-word and prefer to say making love or simply refer to it as sex. To answer your question, yes, when I think of the people who are doing porn I always wonder if they are victims of abuse and sexual slavery, or if they are still trying to use sex as means of numbing out / coping with trauma. I am in a healthy, loving relationship today with the woman of my dreams and my preference is to focus on the intimate aspects of making love and shared pleasure, as opposed to only the physical aspects of having sex. So yeah, I do often wonder about promiscious people as well as those involved in pornography, (especially sado-masochism), I always have to ask myself , "omg, is this all they know of >>>what should be a true and healthy pleasure?" When I look back at all that I have lost, it makes me very sad, and yet, sincerely grateful to have made it to where I am today.
Thanks for posting this topic.

~Lewie~

 

[cragger65]

You're are proof of what is possible Lewie, thanks for sharing your story. Quite a remarkable change. I don't even want sex anymore. I think more of just laying with someone I care about. Touch, caress, make them feel at ease and loved. I don't have to live up to anything any more, and I want to be loved back. That is a change from my self abuse days, for sure. Not ready for a relationship (I don't think) but maybe the right person will appear when/if I really am ready.

 

[Blues in NYC]

Never a full blown pornography addiction here Cragger, but I did explore and indulge especially in the past few years. The internet makes it easy. And before I got out of the denial phase regarding my disorder, I thought maybe I could "jump start" my libido again. Like so many other things, I was embarrassed about my lack of zest for that part of life and tried to brute force my way through the problem.

As my doctor and I just talked about today though, getting through all this crap takes a lot more judo than that...

 

[cragger65]

That's an interesting way of putting it Blues. I really think my foray into sex was an attempt to regain some kind of happiness I had lost, a better "state" of things. It became an animal all its own, however. Glad you can talk openly with your doc about it. He sure is right on that score, it takes a lot of daily working away to make a dent in this brute.

 

[Lucky Laser]

One of my coping methods, strangely enough, is keeping myself busy and involved with my studies. If I'm busy memorizing something or reading up on a patient's disease, I won't fill my mind with thoughts that lead to bad times.

Its interesting that you mention thinking about the girls in the porn ending up on this forum. I'm here because of an ex that had a sex and porn addiction.

 

[midi]

It's pretty cool you guys have opened up here. Porn is a delicate subject.

I've had 2 serious relationships in my life and both males were porn addicts. The first one was very traumatic because my mother and his mother would both give me shit if I didn't put out a minimum of 5 times a day - so sex got very boring. With the second guy, he was much more comfortable doing the porn thing-which did hurt my feelings and leave me less than satisfied at times.

Yeah, porn is like fast food - ok once in a while, but when it's all the time, you're gonna clog your intimate life up to the point that it just stops working.

I was wondering if there wasn't something wrong with me because I don't just sleep with whoever now--but maybe I'm like others here, just developing healthier coping mechanisms...

 

[cragger65]

I'm sorry those relationships fell so short of the mark for you Midi. I think you're right, you are developing healthier ways of coping, and a healthier self-image. You need a deserve better.

I am feeling very exposed today having posted this thread (no pun intented, though appropo). I feel that possibly some people's opinion of me might havce changed as a result of this disclosure about myself. Real or imagined? I don't know. I guess we have to be honest about ourselves, and be prepared to deal with the fear of rejection. It is part of growth.