Sexual Arousal From Flashback

[Deleted member 29920]

Take your time with it, this is all really difficult to deal with. It's really confusing, especially when you feel like, seven years old and you could just go back to that person because you think it'll make everything better. What hurts me a lot (I mentioned this to my T recently) is that my abuser really could have helped me with some physical ailments and the stress because she is a holistic therapist (aromatherapy, reflexology etc)

I'm only just getting used to the idea also that I'm not actually gay (of course, nothing wrong with that but it definitely doesn't appear to be what I'm meant to be). I'm not sure I'll be able to say this sort of stuff to my T. Just the thought of saying it is making me panicky. Maybe with time, if I can build enough Trust with her.

Sorry you have the same issue going on. I hope there's a way of training our brains to not keep working this way.

 

[EveHarrington]

Par for the course IME. Nothing can be done about it really. Can't change automatic body reactions.

 

[Sideways]

@EveHarrington - no, I think you're right about the body reactions. But I need to do something about what my head is doing with this...wanting it again, that's really dangerous. I can't afford to let that line of thought take hold.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry------again messed up because I didn't read the whole thread. I'll refrain from responding to you in the future. My apologies.

 

[Sideways]

@EveHarrington - wha?? Not at all. Your post was totally on point for me. It's all good:)

 

[mary1979]

Started a response, decided its too sensitive and I'm a insensitive ass sometimes.

Decided to go with hugs for you both instead.
@Ragdoll Circus, you're a tough nut, you can get a handle on this xxx

 

[Sideways]

@mary1979 - this is a big one for me. Like, a really major breakthrough. All these years of self-harm, recreating the trauma because (I believed) he was right about me and my purpose in this world. But maybe it's actually a lot simpler than that - maybe I'm recreating it because I liked it. Or I thought I liked it. Or something.

As you can see, my head is still a mess on this one. But I think that maybe it's a big deal (even if it has been bleedingly obvious to everyone around me). I mean, I don't want to like it because it's seriously messed up to want to be treated like a ****, but maybe that's just what my body was telling me, and my beliefs are as much driven by my body's response as my brain's beliefs...

And then I go cross-eyed and all I really know for sure is it's all pretty messed up...

 

[mary1979]

Everyone's experiences are unique.

I can totally feel that you are at a cross road and a major break through is coming.

I keep stopping and starting sentences because I'm so wary of that.
And maybe in over my head because I was not physically tortured like you were and I can see that's a whole new ball game.

Still think you got this though :)

 

[Sideways]

@mary1979 - worry less! I really appreciate your input:)

 

[ladee]

I have not had the same experiences as you and some others here, but I do know it is stored in my body. When I would climax, I would sob. Just the most heartbreaking feelings of disgust and self hatred. I don't get aroused either. So for that to happen was so out of my control. It ruined relationships, but like you, I didn't know what to do about it. And it does sound like you are on the verge of a huge breakthru. Very proud of you for posting and seeking help from others that truly understand how you are feeling.

 

[KeepingTime]

@Ragdoll Circus i keep trying to post but like someone else said...I keep deleting. I'm sure due to my own shame on this subject. All I can say at the moment is that I have never heard anyone else ever talk about being "pleasure tortured" like I was too....if that makes sense. And I was 12 when it started also. This is sooooo way screwed up in my head I don't even know how to ask for help with T or anyone else.
There are so many of your posts I could have easily written. I think I panic instead of responding most of the time because it just hits too close to home, it actually scares me.
Don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Other than just making myself chime in.
I do agree about the body memories tho. I had just recently researched body memories and was amazed at all the ways the body "remembers" even what we try to forget.

 

[Sideways]

@KeepingTime - thank you for hitting "Post". My jaw dropped. It's beyond words how powerful it is knowing this story of mine isn't just mine. I'm actually speechless - thank you.

We get better, that's what happens for us. It takes time, but we get there.