Sexual attraction towards men similar to abuser causing problems



To preface, I’m a 16 y.o. girl. I survived repetitive sexual trauma well over a decade ago.
Up until about 11, I was horrifically terrified of men. It faded when I entered middle school, and since I was 13 I had a serious problem of sexual attraction to much older men and particularly inappropriate power dynamics. It developed into a horrific obsession at 15 that consumed all of my thoughts and words.
I feel like I HAVE to be with abusive older men. Like that’s just my destiny. Like they’re the only ones who’ll ever see the way I really am. Like they’re the only ones who could ever really love me.
They’re the only ones besides me who really know what happened. And it seems like it creates this secrecy between us, almost like a connection. Even though others know, they weren’t there when it happened like he was.
It’s like I have this weak side, this particular vulnerable side, which haunts me constantly. And they are the only people who have seen those vulnerabilities and fully seen those weaknesses. And somehow it makes me feel like they are the only ones I can be with.
Like, it’s just all I have ever known. Older men and me. Together. And sometimes I think it’s love. I don’t know how. They just know so much more than me, they have so much more power, and somehow it feels easier (or just more familiar) letting them have full control over me than letting myself have any control.
And also, I weirdly see them all as like one person. Like they’re different versions of the same person.
I actually ended up talking to a number of 47-59 year old men on tinder and bumble starting mid-March. With 5 or 6, I took it onto instagram and we talked every day for weeks. They knew I was in high school and a few of them knew I was not 18. My friend reported it after I agreed to meet up with a couple of them, so contact was shut down. I have since been told they were grooming me. I now know they were, but it really felt like they cared. They were sweet. They thought I was special. One guy especially. And he said he loved me. And with sex stuff, I was really hesitant, and said I was scared, and they were nice about it and explained things to me I didn’t understand and said we didn’t have to do anything yet. I was throwing up every morning, and was completely miserable when all of this was going on, but for some reason I stuck with them.
And I don’t know, it feels like that type of coddling and that power dynamic is how it is supposed to be for me. Like I have no other option. Even though I hate it. But it’s comfortable. It’s familiar.
Right now I’m talking to a sweet boy my age and I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like it’s too good to be true. We are equals. And I have power. And it feels off. I don’t know how to handle the lack of being controlled. I feel like I don’t deserve him. And on top of that, I’m scared he is going to want to have sex or even just kiss, and if he kissed me I’m pretty sure I would freak out on him and start crying. And I really don’t want to ruin things.
Weezy, I am so sorry this is happening for you and that you were repeatedly abused at such a young age. It takes so much courage to come here and post about it and ask for help. I was raped when I was 13 and spent two decades obsessively dating men similar to my abuser. Then one therapist explained to me that it's a common pattern, it's as if you're trying to finally take control and 'win' against your abuser.

Here's what helped me break the pattern: I learned EFT tapping and obsessively did that for a few days, like all day long, crying, facing the memories, letting the shitstorm pass through me, tapping and tapping some more. THAT shifted everything for me and I started to look for other things to help me. I continue to use this whenever I find myself 'derailing'.

Before that I tried talk therapy for over 20 years and found it did little to nothing. Because the trauma is stored way beyond the reach of words. It's stored in your subconscious mind - in your body. That's why EFT can be so powerful, as it works on body and mind at the same time. There are countless videos on YouTube teaching how to do it.

The other thing that helped me beyond words is sound healing. It's as though the frequencies go straight through all the walls I put up and shift the charge out of the memories. They lost their grip over me. The approach I used and continue to use is called Biofield Tuning. There are therapists all over the world, but if you contact them, make sure to ask for someone who is trauma informed.

You say you have a weak side - are you talking about the fact that you are actually finding yourself sexually aroused when they abuse you? Because that is a normal function of your body, your body is having a normal response to being sexually stimulated and that is NOTHING to be ASHAMED of or to condemn yourself to only being with older abusive men.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
You absolutely deserve to heal your relationship with your own sexuality and enjoy sex, rather than be terrified of it.
You are not broken.
You deserve to be in a loving and mutually respectful relationship with someone your age.