Sexual Confusion

[ronin47]

This is something that has been extremely challenging for me. My therapist and I tried working on it, but that didn't last very long. I think she (my therapist) didn't push it because she thought is was too difficult for me to talk about. I thought working with a female therapist would help with this particular issue (my last two therapists have been guys at my request), but that doesn't seem to be the case.

The problem is this; for many years I found images of sexual violence or domination very attractive and arousing. I would fantisize about being sexually dominated from a very early age. It became a very common thing for me, these fantasies and imagined scenarios of being raped or dominated; as incredibly sick and perverse as that probably sounds.

This went on for quite a while. However, at the beginning of 2009 I started working with a group of mental health professionals who actually cared enough to take the time to figure out what was broken before they started fixing it. They are the ones who diagnosed me with PTSD and have been doing truly effective and intensive therapy with me. After about a year of working with them, this started to change. Rather than being aroused by images of sexual violence, I started noticing a part of myself that was extremely distressed by them. I remember very specifically the first time I realized this was happening. I was in Spanish Literature class and we were watching a movie that had a rape scene in it. As this cinematic scene unfolded, I remember thinking to myself,"I can't watch this. I just can't. It's causing too much anxiety." I ended up walking out of the classroom for a few minutes and coming back later in the movie.

The next semester for another class I did a literature review on the subject of human sex trafficking in developing countries. Big mistake. As I read articles and especially when I watched a documentary on the subject, this emerging feeling of distress around sexual violence reared its ugly head more than once.

The worst part of it was there was this intense inner conflict. I think because I had sought out images like these for so long because I found them sexually stimulating that there was still a part of me that was aroused by them. But then there was also this new part of me that was extremely distressed and upset by them in addition to being completely disgusted with the other part of me that was excited by them.

Has anyone else had an experience similar to this or known someone who has?

 

[cakey]

Well I'm not exactly in the same boat but I do have some understanding that could maybe help aid to your understanding.

There are fantasies people have and really enjoy to entertain them, though once they become real or become more real they are something the person would never wish to engage in. Many straight men will fantasize about having sex with a man from time to time, but if a man even hugged them for too long they would become very uncomfortable.

I don't mean to scare you but sex/masturbation in itself is very much like a drug. It releases dopamine and once one thing won't do it for one person they often move on to another. If these fantasies become obsessions, its a good idea to get help. Sadism is a horrific thing and after researching a lot of serial killers its a very common trait amongst them. You can look around here and within seconds see a story of a person shattered by people acting on those fantasies... Not saying you will become a killer or something, but it's important to 'curb' fantasies before they grow too large. Just like the pain pills you get from a doctor, just because there's extra after surgery, doesn't mean you should be taking them or even looking at them.

I don't know your story, but if you were sexually abused in the past, maybe you are trying to justify/rationalize for your abuser, or have some how come to think this is okay because it is in your personal experience.(we learn from what we experience).

Being sexually assaulted for me personally changed my opinions on it all drastically. I was/am bisexual. Though after the trauma it's a lot harder for me to even consider acting on the homosexual tendancies I have(agresser was male). This in itself is frusterating, it's a big part of who I am/was.

There was a time afterwards though were I entertained the ideas of being wrongfully dominated and tried to find pleasure in it. Shortly after I realized the reason for my yucky fantasies were rooted in deep anger and resentment towards the act of sex itself, and for being mistreated by another person... I've grown past this now this was some time ago, and there have been lots of phases where I was completely asexual, which I'd assume is normal?

I haven't engaged in any form of intercourse for several years for this reason(and a couple others). I've been rebuilding myself to be prepared for a healthy relationship with someone in the future. It's a rough road, I don't know if sex itself gets better with time or if things stabilize, it seems to have though(even though I've been intentionally celibate).

Anyhow sorry for typing a huge post, about something a lot of people probably prefer to keep off this forum, and for totally good reasons... It's a really rough issue, but I can finally type about it all now, and have done a fair amount of research on sex trying to understand what drives people to do what...

 

[becvan]

Oh yes, I have been there. Sexual assualt, rape etc is about violence. When someone experiences that at a young or influtenial age it often rewires us. We then relate violence with sex or love. It's very, very, very common with survivors.

The fact that you are now experiencing distress when violence is correlated with sex or love is a good thing! This means you are healing the trauma it caused. You are basically rewiring yourself to a more healthy sexual alignment.

I'm mostly at that point now. I still have moments where it's all screwed up but more about me not being in control than in violent situations. Mostly though, it just all is very distressing. It can be disorienting, but have some patience and it will get better.

bec

P.S. I find correlating a sexual assualt survivors struggles with relating violence and sex to being a serial killer ridiculious! There is a ton of litature available the subject and it does not involve serial killers!

 

[ronin47]

There was a time afterwards though were I entertained the ideas of being wrongfully dominated and tried to find pleasure in it. Shortly after I realized the reason for my yucky fantasies were rooted in deep anger and resentment towards the act of sex itself, and for being mistreated by another person.

Hmm. I don't know if I would've thought of it that way, but now that you mention it it actually makes a lot of sense. I struggle with these fantasies, but I also would, and at times still do, feel highly averse to the idea of physical intimacy in real life.

 

[cakey]

Sorry I was referring to that the wrong way. I meant if you were having fantasies about doing those things to other people then you should seek help. Not if you were having fantasies about receiving it. I should have left that part out, but it was part of the research I did to figure out why attackers attack.

Becvan I totally agree with what you said. Just for further clarification.

Ronin47 I'm not saying that is the case for you, I was just sharing my personal experience. If you find value in what I said than I'm glad I said what I did, if it doesn't apply, don't get hung up on it. We're all different with different experiences and minds.

Much luck to you, we're all working on getting better here.

 

[ronin47]

Sorry I was referring to that the wrong way.

[/quote]

No worries. I actually did find you post very insightful and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing it, it can't possibly be easy to talk about something like that

 

[Sterre]

Oh yes, I have been there. Sexual assualt, rape etc is about violence. When someone experiences that at a young or influtenial age it often rewires us. We then relate violence with sex or love. It's very, very, very common with survivors.

Yeah, I can relate to this. To me sex is sometimes related to some sort of violence. Consentual violence non the less, but still violence.
It used to worry me a lot, but now I just view it as kinky taste and accept that it is a part of my sexuality.It does not define my entire sexuality.
I often wondered if my sexuality was formed by the way I was raised ( nurture) or if I would relate violence and sexuality also if I would have had a "normal"childhood. ( nature) I just dont know.

It's good to question yourself about why sertain things arouse you and why other things dont, the most important thing imo is that it doesn't harm or re-traumatize you any further.

 

[Don]

I thought working with a female therapist would help ....

To help put that remark in better perspective and there's certainly no need for you to respond if you'd rather not, but, which gender are you?

After about a year of working with them, this started to change.

Well, there's a culture of sado-machochists (dominants / submissives) out there who so far as I know, are content with their lot (there's also the concept of a 'safety word' since with them, forcefully overcoming 'no' rather than respecting it, is sometimes part of their activity with each other). And, to 'switch' from one side to the other, is not uncommon in that culture from what I've read.

Would childhood abuses predispose someone to lean in this direction, too? I suppose (since we greatly tend to stick with what we're familiar with) and that's part of the question here, along with whether or not it's healthy to maintain such fantasies [associating sex with violence, either or both as a receiver or giver]. You've already found as an adult interacting with a community of therapists dealing with fallout from sexual violence that that has influenced your perspective by arousing feelings of guilt. Are those feelings misplaced or not? Do they reflect your true nature, or is your nature malleable?

These are 'just' fantasies and looking down the road, the only concern I see is if you disrespected your partner by going beyond your partner's comfort level (as that would be both politically incorrect and truly abusive). Else I do think fantasies of whatever character can make for an interesting and stimulating sex life on one's own or with a partner.

But, given the context (your coping with earlier childhood abuses and of course a desire to get past that part of your life), I'm strongly leaning towards for your own peace of mind, encouraging you to work at redirecting your fantasies well away from unacceptably violent levels (you might find modifying the fantasies to include greater and greater components of 'playacting' instead of actually doing harm, a useful way of transitioning). While I'm confident many women dream of being 'ravished', I'm confident most think of it only in the nicest of ways and on their terms (always with the capability of stopping).

Don

 

[ronin47]

To help put that remark in better perspective and there's certainly no need for you to respond if you'd rather not, but, which gender are you?

Thank you for your reply. I am a girl. And I should clarify, in such fantasies, I am always the one being dominated, never the other way around. It is also not just a question of picturing myself in such scenarios but of seeing scenes and images of rape and sexual violence on TV or reading about them, there is now a very strong part of me that finds it extremely distressing.

 

[Heather]

My therapist and I tried working on it. Has anyone else had an experience similar to this or known someone who has?

I give you a lot of credit. The fact that you can even discuss this with your therapist take a lot of courage. I'd yet to broach the subject with mine. I think I'd die of embarassment but here among thousands of strangers (why the hell not?) I have had the exact same thoughts. Every time I watch t.v./movie and there's a rape scene I find myself getting turned on.

I was horrified at first. Until, I asked another member about it and she assured me that a person who's been sexually abused as a child......said, this is all perfectly NORMAL. So, I don't feel so much like a freak.

I think that's why even with some of my boyfriends I would let them tie me up and blindfold me.

So, You're not alone in how you feel.

Hugs. Heather

 

[allitherapy]

I also have rape fantasies and I was raped many times. I don't think it's so uncommon to have rape fantasies, even if you weren't abused. I have discussed this with many of my friends (who were never abused) and many of them have fantasized of being raped. Having a fantasy is very different than the real thing. These women who fantasize about being dominated by a man obviously don't want to actually be raped. I think it's important to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Just because you fantasize about something doesn't mean you'd actually want to do it, and just because you're turned on by rape, doesn't mean it's correlated to the fact that you have experienced abuse.
I should also say that if you actually have problems enjoy sexual activity if it's NOT violent, this might be more of an issue than just fantasizing and it probably is more related to past trauma. Personally, I don't enjoy sex unless it's "rough", not necessarily violent, but not all lovey dovey either. If it really bothers you, I think it's important to discuss in therapy, but don't feel like it's abnormal.

 

[Heather]

This is something that has been extremely challenging for me. My therapist and I tried working on it,

Hi ronin. I just wanted to let you know that because of this post and the courage you showed in telling your therapist. Well, I saw mine yesterday.....and I actually ended up talking to him about this. I never would've brought it up but I figured if you could do it with yours than I could do it with mine. So, thank you.

Hugs. Heather