Sexual Confusion

[Kintsugi]

I identify with these feelings a lot. Since I was a very young child, I have been obsessed with the idea of forceful/rough sex or rape/sexual domination. In my post-puberty life, I have found myself drawn towards this idea of sub/dom relationships, and it's gotten me into some unhealthy trouble. The visualization of rape or reading about it, like reading about Rwanda or watching A Clockwork Orange, has always horrified me, at least since I was raped as a teenager (I suffered more extensive abuse as a young child), but I am still drawn to these aggressive sexual relationships. I am currently engaged to someone with whom I have what I would call a healthy sex life, but part of a fulfilling sexual life for both of us is mild violence and force. He's been aware of my issues for a long time, before we were sexual, so he's always taken it one step at a time, and honestly we're still not at the point in our violence where I am fully satisfied, but I'm trying not to put us into any dangerous situations so I'm happy to move very slowly with him to find our limit of comfort. That limit, that boundary, is where I feel most sexually fulfilled.

I know two other women who are more intensely involved in BSDM and who were both abused as children and later in life. One of the women is my best friend, and we have always shared these feelings between each other because they feel so wrong. We've agreed that we're probably both trying to fill some kind of void. Something in us seems to need violence as assurance that we're cared for. I don't really understand this myself, but I know that it's somewhere around how I truly feel about violent sexual experiences. I know the difference between satisfyingly rough sex and rape, been in both courts, and have just gone with accepting that no matter what made me how I am, this is how I am, this is how I feel, and I need to keep in mind the difference between healthy/consensual and scary/pain/re-experiencing/etc.

Good luck on your path to understanding and acceptance. I hope you find the support you need. There are loads of resources online to inform a healthy BDSM relationship, if you are interested, and I am opened to being messaged on the issue.

 

[AzureMind]

MissAntiSunshine, I'm concerned about my interest in BSDM.....I don't feel comfortable unless I have some kind of control....especially in the bedroom....I'm obsessed with making sure that everything is under my control, and that the act goes my way.....I never can just "relax" while I'm doing the deed....don't really even know what that's like.....what IS the line as far as a healthy BDSM relationship is concerned?

 

[Sqweak]

@Op

Hi, I'm just wondering in to the conversation but i'm interested in commenting on your original post. I've been involved in BDSM for 5 and half years. In my short time i've realized that sexual domination w/ rather violent undertones is okay in context. If you are viewing images of sexual violence and it arouses you i don think there is anything wrong with that at all. If that is what your preference is then so be it. However, there is an obvious difference between consensual sexual domination and assault; IMHO I think it can be hard for people [ at the start] to tell the difference between the two. I think once you were treated you began seeing the difference - and images that are disturbing that don't involve two consenting partners came in to focus and that's a good thing.

After reading MissAntiSunshine original post #25 I just wanted to add that a lot of people do fine healthy sexual relationships in the realm of BDSM but it is not for everyone and it is most certainly not therapy. Especially if you have been victim to some kind trauma. you'll feel as if you are engaging in RACK ( Risk- Aware.Consensual.Kink) and it ends up hurting you more then fulfilling you. Take your time and continue to understand where these feelings stem from before jumping in head first. If you're still turned off by sexual violence that's okay. it's called change and people do that. ;)

Good luck to you !

 

[Sqweak]

Hmm. I don't know if I would've thought of it that way, but now that you mention it it actually makes a lot of sense. I struggle with these fantasies, but I also would, and at times still do, feel highly averse to the idea of physical intimacy in real life.

Ah! I currently feel the same as you do; I posted about it actually!:laugh: I think sexual indifference is a struggle that a lot of SA survivors tend to deal with, it's good to know that you're not alone in this for sure. I hope this doesn't cross any lines but have you spoken to any of the people treating you about your fantasies'? I also wanted to add that sometimes a fantasy is just that- if you add all of these unnecessary Freudian variables your fantasies grow lives of their own and that's giving them too much undeserved credit.

 

[Kintsugi]

For me, the line is wherever either partner says it is at any given time, really. I mean, I can want one thing one day, one hour, one minute, and then say no (whatever form that takes) the next, and that should be acceptable. I mean, this is sort of a bizarre example, but I get really, really upset when tickled to the point of feeling powerless. I imagine it's because this was the practice of a couple of my abusers and because I generally get upset when I am restrained for too long or too extremely, in certain ways, etc. Today there were several instances where my fiance tickled me until I was clearly hyperventilating and begging him to stop. We decided that tickle safe word is tornado! I won't always say tornado. That's no fun. But now he'll know when something is bad or good (hard to tell when I'm giggling uncontrollably), and that's something that is likely to change on a dime seeing my past experience with this. Am I making any sense? I'm really sleepy.

I think Sqweak is right on about seeing the difference between consensual and non-consensual violent images. I didn't know the difference for a while. It took me time for the latter to make me uncomfortable, and now they generally horrify me.

 

[Kintsugi]

(Duplicate. Deleted.)

 

[Sqweak]

MissAntiSunshine, I'm concerned about my interest in BSDM.....I don't feel comfortable unless I have some kind of control....especially in the bedroom....I'm obsessed with making sure that everything is under my control, and that the act goes my way.....I never can just "relax" while I'm doing the deed....don't really even know what that's like.....what IS the line as far as a healthy BDSM relationship is concerned?

I know that this question is meant for Miss anti sunshine but i really wanted to take a crack at so I hope that's okay:

Distinguishing the differences between a healthy consensual BDSM relationship and a non- gratifying BDSM relationship is fairly easy IMO. It's happiness. I identify as submissive and being on the bottom ain't easy, lol but I’ve learned that any point time i feel as if my relationship is no longer a partnership. That’s when it's time to step back and assess things. I don't want to veer too far off the path of the original discussion but I’m really interesting in your questions. If you wanted to ask anything you can PM me! :)

 

[Faye_Valentine]

I'm new here, but I think I'd like to chip in, if i may.
I am not ashamed to admit that I enjoy the whole BDSM and Dominant/Submissive role play. I am also a rape victim. Does one stem from the other? Probably, but everything we encounter, everything we see, say, hear, touch, feel, smell, and taste affects us and influences who we are. It's only natural that a significant event in your life would affect you more than other events. We are human and shouldn't feel ashamed of what we feel. So long as you're practicing safe sex, know your boundaries, and as stated above make sure you know what you're doing, a BDSM can be healthy and fulfilling. I feel as though the role play in my sex life has helped me to come to terms with some of the things that have happened and have actually helped me trust my partner more and be more comfortable with him, than I would be without.
In any case, it's up to you to find out if it's right for you or not. I wish the best of luck to you and I hope you find what you need. :)

 

[angel2write]

MissAntiSunshine, I'm concerned about my interest in BSDM.....I don't feel comfortable unless I have some kind of control....especially in the bedroom....I'm obsessed with making sure that everything is under my control, and that the act goes my way.....I never can just "relax" while I'm doing the deed....don't really even know what that's like.....what IS the line as far as a healthy BDSM relationship is concerned?

I'm 38 (sheesh), and have been sexually active for 20 years. (Child molestation doesn't count.) I'd say for the first ten years, S&M was the only way I was able to have sex. Like you say, I HAD to feel like there was control. For the act to be out of control was too much for me. So whether I was dominating or not (most often not), someone had to be in control. Like sex felt dangerous? And this was a way to keep it on a leash?

As the years have passed, though, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with this. Probably ten years ago, I stopped reading S&M books and magazines. I tried to stop using the fantasies, too, and it was at this point that I realized I couldn't. I can't. Even when I want to, I can't relax or enjoy sex without fantasies of being beaten and tortured and raped.

For me, that's my definition of "where the line is." If you want to do careful, consensual BDSM stuff with someone who will take care of you, ok. BUT, if you want to stop, or even just occasionally not do it, and you CAN'T, then you have a problem. You also have a problem if you're seeking out dangerous people or dangerous situations to get what you need.

So for ten years, I've been trying to wean myself off these destructive fantasies. My husband is loving and gentle. He actually thinks of sex as a loving act (the weirdo!). I still can't. Sex still seems violent and out of control to me- and the way I control it is with violent fantasies. Sometimes the illusion breaks and plunges me into a flashback.

I made a pact with my therapist today. Next week I am going to talk to her about this. About the sexual self-mutilation when I was a child. I don't know if she's going to have anything to say that will help me. But I would like to know what it would feel like to have loving, gentle sex. It's odd- I've never cared one way or another, but lately I've found myself craving touching. I just want to be in someone's lap, being rocked and held and touched like I'm precious. And I'm wondering if some of this mess I'm in is my way of coping with the fact that I was NOT touched like that as a child. I was touched painfully, hurtfully, invasively. And we all crave touch so much. Maybe I decided to try and like it? To accept it?

Anyhow, I'm blathering.

 

[AzureMind]

You deserve to have an husband like you have....I can't say that enough.....that's gotta feel great....:)

I think I know what you mean Angel....yea...I've gotta watch the "dangerous" people and situations.....ever since my childhood I've always been attracted to "danger"....I was always living in fear, anger, and emotional excitement, of my father, and when that was gone, I was left feeling like I was agitated by peace....I don't deal well with peace....I get very nervous (perhaps fearful of the next moment because my father was so spontaneously high and would surprise me out of the blue) and I feel like a child being "weened" off of crack/dope...I'm addicted to excitement, intensity and strong emotions because it's like I'm purging, or trying to purge this pain that's attached to me....although I'm a very calm person, (at least on the outside) I have this "hidden self" that I feel like I have to hide away; I'm just addicted to intensity, and all things crazy lol :D

You know, I'm going through kind of the same thing as far as wanting to be held, and being rocked and just needing to be valued....It's a normal developmental part of childhood to know that our fundamental essence is valued, and loved by those in our immediate vicinity...it's what builds our core self-esteem structure, and without it, self-esteem and the structure of our ego is delayed, and we are psychically damaged....I think this is (in part) a reason why traumatized children are so prone to developmental, and cognitive delays, and disorders. I was very much ignored throughout my childhood, and was very, VERY rarely touched.....I had to "ask" for affection from my mother, and even then, she gave it begrudgingly....no more than perhaps a hug that lasted perhaps 10 seconds.....it was like pulling teeth with that cow!! lol :devilish:

Anyhow, I think you owe yourself all the love you can POSSIBLY give and receive.....you've got a husband that loves you, body, and soul I'm sure, and that being said, I don't think there's ANYTHING he wouldn't do for you, to see to it that you were kept physically, mentally, and emotionally whole....:) You've got time, to work through it, but I say....get it ALL, all that love....get it for all the times the little girl in you was ignored, hurt, abused, and overlooked as a human being.....you DESERVE IT :)

 

[Liam]

Ummm, right in there with you, Ronin. I think at some point in my childhood I got wired backwards. Gentle touch and gentle words made my skin crawl, but rough treatment, images, etc. aroused me. In 7th grade, I actually fled a documentary about rescuing the survivors from the Nazi death camps not because they were horrific, but because I got painfully aroused and that horrified me. When the teacher tried to comfort me I felt like a monster. An abuser.

A lot of bad boyfriends later, I ended up with a guy who liked to use knives & stuff and ended up getting pretty abusive. I don't think it's just fantasies, like some of the responses above said. I think maybe it's a coping mechanism of some kind if it is, as Heather says, normal for us. Maybe something down deep in the child-self says, "If I have to endure this, perhaps I'd better learn to like it." Or maybe being sexually stimulated during the abuse trained us to associate the stimulation (which is pleasant) with the pain and violence (which isn't), and in classical behavioral conditioning, we start to like it.

At this point in my life the cross-wiring has started to come undone. Like you, instead of being aroused by this stuff, it's starting to alarm me. I am now in a situation where I'm so confused my sexual response is very unstable. Any kind of touch or image can set me off in unpredictable directions. Sometimes a soft touch still makes me sick and sweating- but on the other hand, I think I'm starting to crave loving words and touches. I just have trouble enduring them sometimes.

I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to settle down on the "good guy" side, give up masochism entirely, and enjoy a more normal, romantic-type experience.

Thanks so much for writing this. I don't think I've ever read something before that so clearly tells how I feel. I've never felt that way about Nazis... but I know I feel things with masochism that is just not at all what I really want but it's like, wired wrong in my head now.
Really brave and insightful post, so ty.

 

[scott_1971_h]

wasn't raped as a child, but I recall becoming aware of my sexuality in my teens and finding the idea of being dominated and raped to be very arousing. The fact that the submissive is the one demanding this means that it isn't really rape, just rough sex and pretending, or acting, to make things a bit more exciting. I think many women have this fantasy as young women...it doesn't mean they really want to be raped in real life...of course not!

I think lots of people toy with the idea. I know one woman who was a pretty eager beaver for rough trade. Which was OK, but when she started on the strangulation I was starting to freak out. She tried it on me once and... I DID freak out. Very triggering.
Scott