Sexual Repression / Addiction

[Wuzup]

I am hating the fact I feel my sexuality controls me. Honestly I feel without release and I do my best to "take care of myself" - I am less grounded and functional. Got together with an old friend and the intent was not a serious make-out session but that's what it became. I kind of set up external factors to assist myself if I broke down to stop at hopping in the sack. But it seems like it is not right we are polar opposites generally but his touch felt so healing. I am disappointed in myself- I know, I should know better.

I have had sexual addiction issues since my last relationship that was so horridly abusive I felt validation of my person through it, no really sexual issues started at 30 (am 41 now) well even before at 30 was when I first had my first orgasm and ever since it has been - something I seek for emotional well being.

Prior to this I was just angry and dutiful. :( I am lonely and I know if I bend to this I will find myself in another situation where I will be controlled. But it feels so good to be touched and I get lonely also due to isolation having had stalkers I never leave the house. I do not know what I will do, and I am not even sure what is the best thing for me. I am skeptical he wants much of anything else, and the thought of having a special friend has issues because I doubt he would be as invested or respect boundries as much as myself, and it would seem so shallow- then part of me says I have needs and maybe its worth fulfilling them temporarily in such a way.

I feel like I am my greatest enemy here -

 

[Wuzup]

like I would go to a sexual addiction group- but I fear the results of being put in a room with other people like me. I kind of wish I could be a robot or kill this aspect of myself.

 

[Vazis]

I don't think it's your sexuality that controls you. It's not bad, but can be a very good thing to want human touch.

I think it's your unresolved trauma and distress and lack of adequate coping skills what controls you.

The isolation and possible sexual addiction is a symptom. The trauma reenactments - i.e. getting into relationships where you are controlled - is also symptom. They are symptoms of a deeper issue: avoidance of doing the work to address and resolve the trauma.

You are trying to cope the best you know how. Maybe it's time to reach out for therapy if you have not already done so.

 

[Taluf]

why do you fear the results of going to a sex addicts group?

 

[Wuzup]

Lol, to be with other sex addicts I fear there will be breakdowns outside the meeting lol.. Also then my face is / would be associated with it- and certain aspects of sexuality really scare me if they trigger certain rape features. I associate perverts with the rapists who could not control themselves thus raped me.. now I see myself as having a somewhat voracious sexual appetite and it frightens me.

 

[Wuzup]

I really sometimes do not even want to be human. I have tried therapy on and off 25 years it is laughable. This site and myself have been far more helpful.

 

[Wepode]

That's sort of like a drug addict fearing going to narc anon would lead to people in narc anon dealing drugs with each other after the meeting.

Clearly, many people still go and don't do that and gain a lot from it. Same for sex addict meetings.

To eliminate that excuse, check out online meetings here: http://www.saaonline.org/meetings/index.php

 

[Wuzup]

thanks Wepode, I will check it out.
good idea

 

[Wuzup]

So is it wrong to be in a committed relationship for the sake of sexual gratification with the understanding that most likely you will not have a "future" together.. I call my self an addict
but I am not chasing people have always been faithful in relationships, try to avoid high risk situations (but in the past found myself in some) just see myself functioning so much better when that aspect of my life is secure.

Does anyone really live with out it ? And or some form of mastrubation (sorry ) Like I said I understood this prior to 30 never having actually climaxed till then.. but found I was a very angry person in general. Generally I take care of me..but it is not the same. I mean we are still talking this guy, I guess its still just awkward and I am skeptical that at this time and desperately trying to slow things and doing so successfully. But if that's all it was .. maybe it would be worth it also having some trust and friendship in general. As a female with a Christian back ground this is somewhat shameful speech and wondering, but even if that's all it was part of me thinks it may be worth it for the sake of any enjoyment in life.

hmmm .. I feel like by this point in my life I should be more secure in that aspect of life.

 

[Afora]

Some people believe "friends with benefits" does no harm. In the end, whatever two consenting adults want to do is up to them. But it's not totally without risk of harm.

Studies show that a lot of bonding chemicals are released during sex. One of them is oxytocin. Women release 9 times more oxytocin than men during sex. Oxytocin is the same hormone that leads to moms bonding with babies -- it's pretty powerful stuff. It may start off as sex only, but don't be surprised if one or more parties becomes more attached over time.

Other studies have shown that people communicate a lot less and shut down emotionally in FWB relationships, and the vast majority lose the friendship after the benefits is over too. (Psychology Today did an article about this.)

I'm not sure what you mean by "commitment" without any prospect of a future. Why not explore an actual full dating relationship? You are going to huge lengths to do mental gymnastics to avoid balanced intimacy, and it really kinda sets up the other person to be a bit used too - which if thy consent to that, so be it. But it is using each other for personal gratification instead of two way full relationship. To ask for "commitment" while being honest there is no possibility of an on-going relationship is a mixed thing too. If you want an on-going one night stand kind of relationship, and this doesn't interfere with living your life to the full, it's up to you.

If having sex without any possibility relationship or commitment is your base for feeling "secure" in life, then that's a pretty shakey basis of security.

Going the friends with benefits route or not is one thing...

What about exploring help for the underlying trauma and extreme isolation from full emotionally and physically intimate relationships?

 

[Iwetuh]

I grew up in a Christian household as well, but recently I've taken a more Buddhist/naturalistic view on sexual gratification. Its natural, its normal, we're wired to need it, so as long as all parties consent to the FULL DISCLOSURE and boundaries, then more power to ya! Also, when it comes to natural urges, the more you try to repress, the more it becomes an urgent matter. Take care of business, be happy with the experience, and the need for it diminishes. But then, I'm so effed up I can't have a normal relationship, and I'm totally cool with the whole FWB thing. So far its been the GUYS who get too attached to ME!

I really feel for you. I was a sexual basketcase since I was 5 years old, but its only recently when I learned to ACCPET that part of being human, embrace my sexual needs, and find ways to fulfill them that sex became a passing glance, not an all-consuming urge.