Sexual success stories?

[somerandomguy]

I know that we're all here because we're working on stuff, and that all the people who have gotten significantly better have left, so I wouldn't be surprised if no one is able to answer this in a positive way. But I just want to know if anyone here of any gender has gotten any better at all with sexuality - maybe just by feeling more comfortable with having sex (or with not having sex, as the case may be) or maybe even just accepting that they need different things sexually now than they used to. Anything, really. I'm grasping at straws.

Or maybe sexuality is really not something that ever gets easier or better for people. That's fine, I just want to know. I think I can eventually be OK with not ever being OK. I just want to know what's going to happen - I just want to know if I can ever expect to get better or not. It seems like I've been working on this a long time and it's not getting any better for me.

 

[MrMoonlight]

It must be so difficult, I mean if I had to enter a burning house at three am every time I wanted to f*ck it would be near impossible for me right now. That said I've never been really comfortable with sex, between trauma, feeling dirty and the internal catholic inquisition set early in childhood it's been difficult. What I miss is the closeness, union, and connection that can come with sex, making the other person feel good feeling good myself.

 

[HealingMama]

I have. I used to dissociate almost every time. I had one weird episode of crying and it's like I was able to let go of a wall.

I still have attachment stuff that can cause some push-pull around sex, but the act itself? Much easier to be present. Clearing out shame was a key factor in my own journey. In my case, my husband's loving presence made it possible to do that. It also created the dissociation too, probably. ?

 

[piratelady]

I get down on myself a lot, but if I look back, I’ve gotten better. So...

1. I’m in a healthy relationship now.
2. Thanks in part to this place I’m learning to talk about sex and that the words associated with it aren’t bad words so, some day I can communicate what I want better.

3. I used to be completely numb, sexually -physically. Like I just tried to act like I enjoyed it because in reality... nothing. I’ve since learned that was because of my trauma. And, now, sometimes (not always, but as you know I’ve got some healing left to do) I have sensation and truly enjoy it.

I’ve still got quite a bit of work to do and there are a ton of bumps in the road left for me, but I’ve come a really long way. I’m calling it success, even though it’s not perfect complete success. I believe I’ll get there.

 

[Friday]

Love & adore sex, here. No problems with my sexuality.

Sex is something I played around with a whoooooooole lot, back in the day; and also something I also nipped back and forth from a couple different extremes. Shrug. But I found my happy place. Sex & relationships were my number 1 priority for a loooooooong time, though.

I’m not dating right now, but that’s due to other causes; also not f*cking around right now (which is my usual / more preferred go-to when I don’t want a relationship, but still want connection / to enjoy people). I have finite reserves ATM and I value my kid higher than my libido. It gets pretty synergistic when I’m doing well-er... an active sex life is something I find gives me a lot more energy to play with. Having a full and active life makes me a better mom. But with limited resources? My kids have first dibs. Stars would have to align for me to be sleeping with someone without it feeling like I’m being irresponsible in my current situation. Which is vexatious. Because, again, I’m a better mom when I’m working, have friends, have lovers, have a life. I spend the same amount of TIME -if not more- with my kiddo when my adult life is very full/balanced... but I’m a helluva lot happier and more fun to be around, and a far better role model. But once my life has gone sideways? It takes time to rebuild that full balanced life, without f*cking up what I have in the process. So being celibate :wtf: is a sacrifice I’m willing, if not enthusiastic, about making.

 

[Ronin]

Ye, I’d say I’d gotten better in that one.

I semi date just for fun, toss prick looking pricks from the get go instead of trying to figure how they’re useful to me & relate, am getting back to being able to normal communicate about sex instead of sweep by the whole area in one big hush, enjoy intimacy where not acts (and I miiiissed that atmosphere & touch so lot). That and I’m able to talk to (happy and well off) sex workers about their job, again, which helps me, creative & down to earth friends I didn’t talk to for million years, just because too many worlds in my head collided about something so multifaceted as their job.

Granted, a lot could be better about my sex life & body relation and what not, but I need people to click with emotionally/mentally and that one’s been always bit of a search.
So both close (physically) & close-and-far / stable partnerships have areas I could improve, but I dont feel as bad failing everyone & theres honesty on all sides so far, so good.

Far more to sexuality than just sex, imo. Standards? Soothing? Safety? Hella more progress.

 

[Wendell_R]

I've gotten better, but have a ways to go. The process was tough--things got worse before they got better, because as some of the repressed stuff came up, my fears went through the roof. I remember going out to dinner with Mrs. W and starting to cry because I felt so afraid of her. I remember doing some couples therapy where Big Wendell was doing fine asking for what he wanted but there were huge screams of anguish inside that hadn't come out yet. I remember avoiding sex for months because it was so frightening.

Nowadays, we can both suggest that we would like to have sex sometime in the following few days. I can fantasize about sex with Mrs. W and enjoy that fantasy. I can snuggle up to Mrs. W a couple of mornings a week and not feel too much like I'm going to get in trouble. We have nighttime back massages and talk. I can have sex with Mrs. W and then later in the day recall the event with pleasure. Given that we have two teens right now, I think we're actually doing pretty good.

 

[Ronin]

I mean if I had to enter a burning house at three am every time I wanted to f*ck

I know I shouldnt, but that mental image. :hilarious:

What I miss

Sooo many ways to be close, though.
You can get there with others, with time.
Or not, but find your ways to connect... the same right, the same meaningful, the same sharing universes.

 

[Deanna]

Nowadays, we can both suggest that we would like to have sex sometime in the following few days. I can fantasize about sex with Mrs. W and enjoy that fantasy. I can snuggle up to Mrs. W a couple of mornings a week and not feel too much like I'm going to get in trouble. We have nighttime back massages and talk. I can have sex with Mrs. W and then later in the day recall the event with pleasure. Given that we have two teens right now

That's what we do as well. Make a late evening for sex.

I still have attachment stuff that can cause some push-pull around sex, but the act itself? Much easier to be present

That's me too.. I can get pretty lost sometimes. Its good to be present. I really can't concentrate on sex after work.

 

[MrMoonlight]

lol @Ronin , chaos...that was a weird analogy. F'n in a fire.

Sooo many ways to be close, though.
You can get there with others, with time.

thanks bud, I know with the right person I could cross that bridge. Man, it's a vulnerable thing...I was sexually active from really young to maybe thirty...after my girlfriend P. The thought of that type of intimacy is overwhelming..scary but I know it's something I need in my life...not just the physical but the connection...the trust between two people...the fun. I'll have to baby step that one I think.

 

[HealingMama]

I have. I used to dissociate almost every time. I had one weird episode of crying and it's like I was able to let go of a wall.

I still have attachment stuff that can cause some push-pull around sex, but the act itself? Much easier to be present. Clearing out shame was a key factor in my own journey. In my case, my husband's loving presence made it possible to do that. It also created the dissociation too, probably. ?

I should clarify that last sentence since I am known here for complaining about my husband so much.

I mean his presence caused the dissociation because he works really hard to create an emotionally safe sexual environment. I don't know how to feel safe in an intimate space whether it is emotional or physical intimacy and so I have had a dissociative reaction to signs of safety. It takes many many times of safety being shown to start to even believe it a tiny little bit.

So that's what I meant, rather than saying his behavior outside the bedroom has made me dissociate sexually. It's actually his effort to be a safe and loving partner that my body was like.... What do I even do with this... About, because all it knew before was performative playacting (fawning) and pleasing others.

 

[Gs172003]

I should clarify that last sentence since I am known here for complaining about my husband so much.

I mean his presence caused the dissociation because he works really hard to create an emotionally safe sexual environment. I don't know how to feel safe in an intimate space whether it is emotional or physical intimacy and so I have had a dissociative reaction to signs of safety. It takes many many times of safety being shown to start to even believe it a tiny little bit.

So that's what I meant, rather than saying his behavior outside the bedroom has made me dissociate sexually. It's actually his effort to be a safe and loving partner that my body was like.... What do I even do with this... About, because all it knew before was performative playacting (fawning) and pleasing others.

I understand that. My husband wants me to want it and I don't know how that works. It's supposed to just be for him, not for me ( at least in my head) though logically I know that's not true so it's this mixed up mess that I don't know what to do with. Wanting it comes with guilt. I'm supposed to be a commodity.