Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Ironlady]

Amanda Palmer... last music vid today for you (and me) k? In My MInd....
[URL='Link Removed...

Loved this... struck a chord. Tears of gratitude. Thank you!

 

[The Albatross]

Don't lose sight of the bigger picture in the nit noid day to day stuff... k? Life is messy yet it is what you make it/actualize... it is both a blessing and a curse. It depends on how or even whether you endeavor to defeat the hard wiring. Honest. For a lot of us it is a quest of who we are, what we value, what our character is/was/can be above/away/inspite of our base hardwiring. That was and is so true for me. Just food for thought.

Rather than get wrapped up in the constraints of complexities... I choose to present myself with a blank canvas when I had the availability to see a different perspective... just sayin' k?

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps difficult to consider, but there are much more difficult things in this world than leading a disciplined life with respect to our injury/illness... yes?

If ya need me holler, I think we connect to a fair degree (you get my music references, heh... sometimes to make a larger point I don't have the words... I default to music).

 

[Ironlady]

Don't lose sight of the bigger picture in the nit noid day to day stuff... k? Life is messy yet i...

strong.. very good points and dutifully noted... I admire and respect your way of viewing/seeing/doing.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. Ego/base nature/hedonistic tendencies would say that disciplined life of any kind is "unacceptable"... however with respect to longer term goals... I would assert that it is not. Especially and particularly for us who endeavor to live "while" damaged. Just my take. K?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness, and the pain of your loss. That was very brave of you, though, to communicate with your mom while she was still alive. She did get your loving email, also, for Mothers Day,:inlove: and no doubt that gave her something she was looking forward to before she passed, even if your in-person meeting was not meant to be.

Your own pain and grief must be immense, especially this month. I'm proud of you for journaling through it and sharing it so that those of us who care about you can reach out and offer our support.

I, myself, have very conflicted feelings about my mom. She was not abusive or neglectful, but was not very present emotionally when I really needed her.

Spoiler: TMI

This was especially hard when I was very little, like age 4-5. :(It meant that despite all her best efforts and intentions, I was preyed upon at that age, and then again when I was a little older (11-12, then 14-15.) Even though she had told me all the "right" things, that was not enough to protect me and not enough for me to trust her and tell her what was going on.

Now, my mom, stepdad (most definitely not an abuser) & my sisters know the gist of what happened to me, but I still don't like to talk about it. I mention all this here in your post because I'm usually pretty close with my mom, but she had a really invalidating response to something I said almost a year ago, and I've barely talked to her since. She knows I'm dealing with conflicted feelings toward her and she's been pretty understanding (she's a psychotherapist.) I struggle with the "what ifs" and think I should reach out sooner, but I don't feel ready. Anything could happen to any one of us at any time, but I can only take care of myself, and I can only do that in this present moment. If I reach out to her before I'm ready, idk, I'm feeling so vulnerable, if she has a really f*cked up response I'll be devastated. I feel like I can't risk that.:sorry:

What is it that you would have done or said differently, if at all, if you had known your mom had limited time left? Would you have sacrificed your own need for distance? If so, how would that have left you feeling?

We only have right here, right now. I'm so sorry you are missing your mom: the one that was, the one you wanted and deserved and didn't get, and the one that maybe coulda woulda been if only. Can you write her a letter? Have you done that before? What about writing one to yourself, offering yourself forgiveness?

Lady, I wish you peace and love and strength this holiday season. Hang in there.:hug::hug::hug: --Lola

Ps, @The Albatross, love the song! And I also love CPE, and will have to dig out my copy of WWRWTW, from decades ago. Now is a very good time for me to re-read that book!

 

[Ironlady]

Perhaps difficult to consider, but there are much more difficult things in this world than leading...

Thank you.. oh of course... gratitude for what I have, relief for what I do not and empathy for those who have it worse but also without minimizing...

I'm a musician.. so music and lyrics I connect to a lot. I use music to convey what I have a hard time articulating too.

Yes, I do feel the connect too.. thank you again. :)

 

[The Albatross]

It is hard, intensely sometimes, to come from a place of seemingly (yeah seemingly cuz a lot of the time we forfeit our interest to hard wired survival (old/outmoded) instincts) hapless/helplessness to self actualization. We are (a lot of us, playing "catch up")... we had deficits and it is our own job to bring ourselves up to maturity for whatever reason, eh?

Personally I'd rather have a noble endeavor than a permanent injury... just sayin. There have been degrees of success along the way... am I "all better now"? Eh nope... but it is light years far and away from where I started. Journal honestly and I'm here, k?

 

[Ironlady]

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness, and the pain of your loss. That was very

Thank you Lola, I do try to take comfort in the fact that I listened to my gut and communicated with her so she at least knew that I wanted to see her. I do take comfort in that at least. And thank you for your kindness and support too.. your words truly touched my heart.

In some ways, that's one reason why I decided to step away from my own mom.. I didn't speak up for a long time.. I tried ignoring it but in not communicating (my fault) it build up a lot of resentment... That must be so hard... thank you for sharing. I do hope that you both can work things out.. I do understand the fear too.. it is true what you said. if I learned one thing it would be all we have is right now... tomorrow isn't promised for anyone.

I would still have made the same decision as at that point I was so messed up, desperate that leaving them or suicide seemed like the only two options. So it was good that I did what I did. But if I had known she was going to die?.. i would have gone to see her instead of sending her an email..l actually intended to.. but I had a sick child and used that as an excuse not to..(where my regret lies) I could have gone.

I have written her a letter which did help at the time. Maybe time for another one. I think writing myself one would be a good idea too. Thank you for making those suggestions!..

Thank you so much for everything Lola, you are such a sweetheart. I truly value you and what you've said. It truly means a lot!

CPE-ROCKS ;) happy reading!

 

[Ironlady]

It is hard, intensely sometimes, to come from a place of seemingly (yeah seemingly cuz a lot of th...

That's it in a nutshell.. so many underdeveloped/immature parts that need tending, watering, growing.

I get that too.. it is sacred work.. even without injury.. we are all La Lobas, collecting the bones so we may sing over them to flesh them out and bring them to life once again. <3

 

[The Albatross]

I lied... last one I swear... Sia, Elastic Heart: Sia - Elastic Heart (The Voice UK 2015)

 

[The Albatross]

You see where I'm going here, yeah? It's about participating, it's about self efficacy and availability and rather than accepting stunted parts, bringing them into maturation... k? It takes a while, it has no immediate results, but it has life long benefits. We can give ourselves what was not in our hardwiring. It is a noble endeavor, the trick is to do it without complicating our present relationships... at least not consciously unless or until a deal breaker is reached.