Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Ironlady]

Well, it sure didn't take long for the happy to run out.. seemed like one thing after another today.. fighting the inner critic right now who is unbending and unwavering in shaming me..

Critic?.. it's ok if I make a mistake.. does it feel good? No.. but that's how I am going to learn. I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to say things I shouldn't and eat me words.. I'm going to feel like shit when I inadvertently hurt someone because my mind is projecting and dissociating. Im going to hurt someone's feelings sometimes because I don't have the interpersonal experience yet to always know when to not speak or be more outspoken. Critic?.. I know you are there because you are trying to protect me and yet kill me before anyone else can. You don't want me to die yet you do.. you don't want me to feel the pain of punishment and chastisement.. yet you do.. but Critic?.. not everyone is my father. Corrections are not coming from him.. so it's ok ya know. It really is. I hear the words your telling me. They are hurtful stabbing ugly words. You are trying to make me disappear but I'm not going anywhere see?.. we can work together.. you need comfort? I'm here and it's ok.. I'll help. But please stop calling me names and shaming me for being underdeveloped and immature in some areas ok?.. I'm only doing the best I can. And we made it this far. It's safe ok?..


On the bright side I committed to the gym by hiring a personal trainer to hold me accountable and sold a painting tonight that will pay for it for at least a couple months of training. Hopefully once I'm in routine again consistently I won't need a trainer anymore and will be ok on my own. But I did recognize the need for help.. took initiative sold a painting therefore creating the means to give myself the gift of help in an area I really need and want it in right now.

For anyone in the universe that I may have annoyed, offended, hurt or rubbed the wrong way today know that I'm sorry for my shortcomings and lack of tact and knowhow.. I'm trying to figure all this interpersonal stuff all out still.. not making excuses I just was never in a place I could. This and all that it's new and scary for me trying to figure out who I am.l figuring out how to integrate all these broken splits and broken parts.. so I mess up... other parts show up and I have trouble inhibiting them. I'll keep striving to do better.. just know it wasn't my intention to mess up or hurt.. I'm so much a small frightened child in some ways. I'm truly sorry..

 

[Hope69]

Congrats on selling your painting and taking care of yourself. Wise words to the critic. We make mistakes, we apologize, learn and try again. You are growing :)

 

[Ironlady]

Congrats on selling your painting and taking care of yourself. Wise words to the critic. We make mistake...

Thank you, I was very relived one sold so I could take action and do something positive for myself.

Trying to be gentle yet firm with critic.. phew intense moments..though.. was brutal internal commentary going on.

And yes, I tend to over apologize but I screwed up today a few times so my apologies were genuine and needed. And maybe I will be less likely to make those mistakes next time. Even though I need to be gentle on myself and realize I'm going to make some here and there. ;)

Thank you Hope. Hugs! :hug:

 

[Ironlady]

I think the no sleep stuff is catching up with me...Feeling very very tired... but I am lounging on the sofa in the peaceful quiet with a warm cup of coffee before the house awakens with four babies getting ready for school and a slobbering tail wagging dog.. that's something. :)

 

[Ironlady]

Well, I think it's time for a happy dance!!!! HOT DAMN!!.. REALLY cool things happened this week even though I was having some shit days. ***yes ironlady you are an appreciated talented gifted artist..Quit DOUBTING YOURSELF!*****

oh it's so f*cking cool when people love your work and value what your passionate about and what you do and In turn I can bring light and delight to others LIVES!!! YES!!!

Three paintings sold. Win win win!.. and all work going to awesome clients. Made enough that now all my overhead for the year is taken care PLUS!.. I haven't reached a Plus before.

So sorry for the giddiness folks but I just can't help lil ironlady who is just overwhelmed with feelings of triumph, validation and self esteem. Yes good ole healthy self esteem.. boy.. so that's! What that feels like!

Wheeeee!!!!!!!!!

 

[Hope69]

Yeah :happy:

 

[Ironlady]

So part of my celebrating yesterday was three of my paintings sold.... then last night I sold two more... even though I'm am respected artist I was starting to doubt myself and my ability. Which then brings attention to Why do I do that?. Of course I know the answer.

But the impending doom and doubt always seems to creep in when when I'm too wrapped up in gaining my emotional needs from sources outside of myself. Sheesh.

But I'm happy that I had something good happen. Going to bask in that glow for a bit. Hope the residuals remind me later that I am capable!

 

[Ironlady]

Woke up in a haze this morning.. it's not lifting.. not a good way to start my day. See T in a bit so hopefully it's just something that needs coming out.. stay present... stay present.. dreams were not good maybe that's it.. coffee and water.. drink.. wake up from the nightmare... ugh.. no damnit. I don't think there's any waking up from this one. Ride with it Iron. Ride it out.

 

[Ironlady]

Raped in soul, raped in body... living it, dreaming it feeling, smelling it.. goddamnit.. why can't you mother f*ckers just leave me alone?.. wasn't it enough?.. why do you have to come back and haunt me?.. and I freeze.. I'm all tough exterior but when the chips are down I freeze. I know body. You kept me alive. But how I wish I could have fought. I wish I could have fought. I wish I could have defended myself. I know this thinking isn't helping. It's not helping cause it won't change anything..

Forgive yourself iron. You did the best you could.. nobody knows how they will respond until it happens. You probably saved your life even though you just wanted to fight. You just wanted to say no even. You couldn't even scream no!.. you just laid there. Frozen. And like everything else that happened to you. You took the f*ckING hits..

But forgiving myself.. having hard time. you kept it secret.. you kept it secret because it was too dangerous to tell.. and now there are people that may have gotten hurt too because you didn't speak up and fight.. what if others got it too?.. Yo, personalizations.. leave me alone not helping.. not helping at all. Stop it. Just stop it.

 

[Ironlady]

not sleeping again.. . mind please do me a favor and just relax a little bit. Just for a few hours ok?

Sincerely,
Me

 

[Ironlady]

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster.. mind has slowed down a little and now I'm just tired. Sent T an email because last session was so frustrating.. I couldn't speak to what I wanted to say.. my mind kept diverting and deflecting... racing.. so go on Wednesday and I guess I'll see how it goes..

 

[Ironlady]

Just feel completely f*cked up right now.