@
jess_trustno1 !!
I'm a few months late, but I only joined recently. I just want to say that I can deeply relate to your OP. The specifics are a bit different, but the overall toxic environment rings utterly true in my own experience.
The thing that comforts and advises me most deeply when I'm trying to decide if I should make contact, if I should not make contact, who I should talk to, who I should visit or vice versa is this: I don't ever have to decide about anything in a "forever" way. I could if I wanted to, but really the only thing I -MUST- decide is this: what do I need right now? What do I want right now? What can I manage right now? What do I not want, cannot manage, can't handle right now? The "right now" is the key part in all of this.
Based on this frame, I've found myself making REALLY surprising decisions at some point. I cut off everyone completely for awhile, but it almost felt like that gave space for the swelling to go down enough for me to realize who is really toxic, who is just difficult to deal with but not totally toxic, and who is really supportive and important for me to keep in my life. It's become way less all or nothing, and I've managed to carve out this really interesting-looking and surprising middle ground that actually feels good and in line with what supports me and what I want my life to look like.
It's also freeing to realize I can make one decision one day, and the opposite decision the next day, if I want/need to. Of course, there are always things to deal with in those relationships - hurt feelings on the other side for the times I've been distant, etc. BUT I feel actually able to manage them BECAUSE of the fact that my needs have been prioritized and central to me the entire time. I'm cared for and supported by me, first of all, and I've phased in people who can support that, and so it has become this solid structure that I can stand on instead of a really wobbly thing full of holes and rot.
I had no idea, when I started the process, that the decision-by-decision route would give me a sustainable-feeling way to be in my world. It felt terrifying and like I had no idea what I was doing. It would have felt safer and more comfortable to decide "forever" to speak or not speak. And for a bit I definitely did that, because I needed that safety. But over time and in continued process, I much prefer the middle ground I've found, even if it has been utterly harrowing to navigate at times.
I wish you all the best of luck in your process, wherever it takes you. And I hope, above all, you are able to find a way to be in relationship to your family that supports you and your long term goals for your life.
